He thinks work is harder than being at home with the kids

[kittykat2000]

Hi just wanted people’s opinions on something for peace of mind please because I feel like I’m in the right and my partner feels like he is in the right and it’s driving me crazy 😄.
so my partner had a night shift at work on Friday night, he went up to bed that afternoon around 1:30pm went on his phone for an hour then went to sleep, got up at 6pm showered came down for his dinner before leaving at 7:20pm for work. After his night shift he’s come home and gone to bed to sleep around 8:30am and slept until 3/3:30pm sometimes he sleeps until around 5pm. Anyways of a weekend when he’s not working we normally take turns at having a lie in because we have 4 kids so obviously one has to be up with them. I had a lie in until 10:15am on the Sunday as he’d slept prior to his night shift and after his night shift so he’d slept in total about 11ish hours whereas I’d had 7. So this morning (Monday) he’s been really funny with me saying how tired he is and that it should have been him that had the sleep in on Sunday and not me because he had done a night shift? Which has really annoyed me and then he’s proceeded to say that I’ve been off all week at home and he’s been in work. Now I’m a student nurse and have actually been on placement this past week and the kids have been on half term and 2 year old off nursery as he’s been unwell. So I was in on Monday and had to take the rest of the week off to take care of our kids while he’s gone to work. So he’s complaining that basically I’ve been at home with 3 of our 4 kids one of which has autism so can be really hard to deal with, so I’ve been able to rest which is completely absurd as anyone who has kids will know. But also the fact that it’s me that’s had to call in sick to take care of them etc and he’s not done that and gone to work. Just want to add in as well, on days that he’s at home with the kids while I’m on placement he messages me saying how awful they have been how he’s fed up and can’t cope etc, and I’ll come home to a messy house no dishes done no washing done no one’s had dinner, so I have to then do all that and his excuse is “well I’ve had the kids to look after haven’t had time to do any of those things”………So just want peoples opinions really because I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall defending myself against his accusations that I basically don’t deserve a sleep in and staying at home with sick kids it’s easier than going to work

I think this is it 💯. Both parents trying to work shifts is making it more difficult for everyone.

4 kids and 2 night shifts is going to take a toll on both of you and your relationship. Both are equally hard in this case especially since you're also working so it's not that you're just home with the kids.

BUT you can't change people and everyone has a different capacity for tolerating lack of sleep, chaos, shift work etc. And it sounds like your DP is struggling more than you. Arguing and fighting him over it won't change how he feels or what his ability is. You would know this about him before you had the kids - everyone thinks their partner will step up to the plate once the kids arrive. And it's not true as you are finding out.

Think of a work situation. 2 people can have the same job but one can comfortably manage the overtime, and another can't and quits. Not saying your DP will quit but you'll need to have a conversation with him and work out a compromise or your relationship won't survive. Having 4 kids was never going to be easy and would require a lot of effort from both you - he obviously wasn't and isn't prepared for it and not coping. But that also means he's more likely to leave to be a part time dad (though seems you are doing it all anyway!). Whatever happens, don't quite your job or drop your hours and make sure you're covered for housing. You life will not be easy, but at least you will have some control over it by being financially independent.

Looking after the kids cannot simultaneously be too hard for him, but so easy for you that you are expected to manage the household, work, and sleepless nights around it.

This is all very muddled. I don't think it is possible to say who deserved the lie-in more.

The OP did get a lie-in on Sunday morning until 10.15am. Seems a pretty good long lie-in to me as well. Presumably the DP was up and looking after the kids at this point.
So, he doesn't get a lie-in. He moans the next day. This is apparently appalling behavior.
She does get a lie-in. She's annoyed that he moaned so moans to Mumsnet. She's apparently a poor hard-done-by woman.

The OP was supposed to have been on a placement this week and yet was looking after 3 of her 4 children, despite only one of them being too poorly to go to childcare. What was originally supposed to happen with the 7 year old and 5 year old? Why weren't they at the childcare provision they'd presumably arranged when the OP found out she was on a placement over half-term.

Why didn't they share the time off to look after the poorly child? How did that conversation go, given she has a lot of pent-up anger about it now? Or did they even have a conversation?

DH thought I was having an easy life at home with the kids, until I had a hen weekend away and there was no choice but for him to solo parent.

He's never even suggested that again. He says peed on average once per day (I suspect slight exaggeration but not by much), are not a single full meal, dealt with way more stress and body fluids etc than expected... I had a funeral last year which reinforced the lesson.

I strongly recommend an occasion away that you can't get out of.

So you do night shifts more regularly than him so have to get on with it, and he's also incompetent at parenting so it's much harder for him all the time? Why? Is he just an idiot? Why can you do it all but it's too hard for him. Is his job actually worthwhile?

I would point out if being at home looking after the kids was easier men would have sorted it that it was assumed they did that rather than go to work by now.

Two parents on nights and four dcs sounds incredibly tough. I honestly can't say which one has it worse (the person at work or the person at home with the kids). But it sounds as though you do both while he is doing less childcare which doesn't seem fair (unless I've misread). I suppose being off work in the week he's assuming you've had sociable hours (which you haven't as you have small dcs)

There is a lot going on here TBH! Both doing nights and 4 DC is a lot! No real suggestions as such except to say maybe cut one another a bit of slack?