Father having an affair

[innerdesign]

My mum caught him. He says it's over, but he's still in touch with her (wtf). My mum's not really sure what's next. They're in their 60s, we're (me and my brother) in our 30s. Has anyone been through this? I'm supporting my mum but haven't spoken to my dad yet. I can't see how this hasn't damaged our relationship irreparably, regardless of what happens between him and my mum. I don't know what to do. He's not a lorathio, he's a normal older man who's never done anything like this before. She's spent the best years of her life raising his kids and helping care for his elderly parents. I'm so angry. And so upset.

What should I know about this 'script' everyone talks about?

Just be there to support your mum in her decision, it might not be the obvious one.

oh that's so sad/ reassure that she still has her adult children (grandchildren??) can you commit to helping her with finding a new place, make sure your father knows that screwing her financially will be what damages his relationship with you.

This is a horrible situation and one my family are also trying to navigate at the moment. It’s very hard, so I empathise. My brother and I said we’d support my mum with whatever she wanted to do and we were careful not to issue any ultimatums. She has decided to go for divorce, she’s needed a lot of support and it’s been time consuming sorting out finances and selling their house but we’re getting there now.

Just support your mum as best you can but don't try to force her into any decisions. She might want to stay with him regardless.
Sorry to say but you will never see your dad in quite the same way again ☹️

I went through this when I was 19/20. It sounds weird but it was the best thing that happened in terms of my relationship with both my parents separately. We connect as equals and have really strong relationships now. They are actually back together now (13 years on) and as a unit we are incredibly close. Whilst it was quite traumatic at the time for obvious reasons, I learned to put my anger for my dad aside and be open to understand his side too (although it took me a while to come round to this). Unfortunately things like this happen and we realise our parents are just humans like the rest of us. At the end of the day, they are still your parents, and I'd say try not to forget that amidst the anger and hurt you feel.

Financially they'll both be in pretty shitty situations if they separate, which is just adding another layer of worry. One, that she may feel pressured to stay when that's not what she wants, or two that they'll both be really struggling for money if they split. And it'll fall at my door, my brother's not much use.

@Angelof29th I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. How is your relationship with your dad?

No grandchildren. Adding some guilt for me, I know my dad would like them and I'm just sitting thinking maybe if they'd had grandchildren he wouldn't have done this.

It wouldn't have made a difference whether he was a grandfather or not.

@innerdesign my relationship with my dad is complicated, even without the affairs, he is a very difficult and controlling individual. I’m not keen on him being round my kids and I’m always with my kids so I don’t see him much. I think I’d rather it just faded away rather than having a big showdown which would likely hurt me a lot more than it would hurt him.

Is the OW a lot younger? Does your DM know her?

Older than both parents, but not by much. They met at a photography class a couple of years ago and got friendly, so my mum has known of her (as a person), but I don't know if she's ever met her. Jokes have even been made over the years about him meeting her for lunch etc but nobody ever expected this to be true.

Maybe OW has her own house ? As usually men don’t move on unless somewhere to go

I wouldn’t be saying to your mum things like
throw him out etc
because as you say financially she would really struggle

does your mum still work?
would a 1 bed apartment not be affordable

Yes, she seems to have, or have access to, a flat as well as her marital home.

Where did I say I'd said to throw him out? I've not given opinions either way, they need to work this out between the two of them.

No. Both (fairly recently) retired, which is even more shite. Early retirement so their pensions took a hit, but they worked out they could afford it. Hollow laugh. A 1 bed flat in a shitty area of my hometown would probably be affordable, but she'll struggle with the bills on her pension alone, and no fun money.

Respectfully your mother probably has been dealing with his infidelities for a very long time..maybe some, or the entire duration of the relationship.

If so, she's been accepting of it and has chosen to stay. If not (highly doubt it) more than likely she isn't going anywhere.

Respectfully, you should just stay out of it. Remain neutral if possible.

You have to seperate his relationship with your mother, and the type of parent he has been to and for you always and decide if you want to sever the relationship. . Well it's ideal to do the same for your mother as well.

If her tolerance and remaining in the relationship, alters the type of mother she has been for you. .

If this situation effects you deeply, it's time to distance yourself temporarily or permanently from your parents..for the sake of your own mental health and well being.

Honestly, I think that they should have kept (or tried to) much of this away from you both and sorted this out themselves...especially if they decided to remain together.

@Burntouted err 'respectfully' I'm not sure what thread you've been reading. No previous infidelity (you speak like you know my family better than I do!). It's not necessarily her choice if she goes anywhere, if he ends it they'll need to sell the house...

I've read the entire post.

Your parents have been together for a considerable amount of time, both before and after having children. However, you're not fully aware of the complexities of their relationship dynamics, including what happens when they're together or apart. They aren't constantly in each other's presence, and you aren't either. It's possible that both have been unfaithful on multiple occasions.

It's concerning that your parents have involved you in their relationship issues, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. If it's negatively impacting your mental health, it might be beneficial to distance yourself from their situation. It's important to communicate to both of them that you prefer not to be involved in their conflicts and that it's best for them to resolve their issues independently.

This is such a tricky situation for you OP. Affairs are so much worse when children are adults and can see everything first hand. I think you are doing the right thing - making sure your mother feels supported but able to make her own decisions. I think it will undoubtedly affect how you feel about your father, long-term. How can it not. But you sound very level headed and I am sure will find a way to navigate this. If you are different with him going forward, well he will just have to accept that given what he has done. He cannot expect there to be no consequences.

That's absolute nonsense. Of course it's perfectly plausible that they've been happily married for decades with no previous infidelity. People aren't either completely monogamous their whole lives or serial cheats you know. It's quite possible that there was no prior infidelity in their relationship. It's sad, but reality is that there must've been issues in their relationship (even if just grown apart) - people in happy marriages don't get their heads turned.

She's spent the best years of her life raising his kids

They aren't 'his kids', they are 'their kids' - hers just as much as his. And raising them is a privilege. If she did the most of it then it's him who's missed out. The best thing you can do is try to support them without taking sides, as hard as that might be. Not saying it isn't his fault, he's clearly done something really shitty, give him a dressing down if it makes you feel better.

If the worse comes to the worse and they do split
have a look at over 55’s homes, you can still get a council home if you’ve separated
Also go on turn2us and she what help mum would get if she was on her own
how many years is she off her government pension ? (Or is that the pension your talking about)

Your poor mums head must be all over the place

just be there for her when she ready to talk about things

I unfortunately have been in a similar situation except I knew about the affair and my Mum didn't. Difficult relationship with my Dad to start with and this didn't help.
To some extent you have to take a step back and let your parents work this out. If you feel you should support your Mum more, frankly that's fair enough (and I would too).
Marriages can survive affairs, depending on the circumstances and the behaviour of the parties. But if they do decide to split, the advice fromWindmill above is good - your Mum might be eligible for Council housing and I think the wait for age restricted property is not as long. My Mum (also an older divorcée) carried on working for a while after getting her pension and was later able to claim pension credit. She didn't have a wealthy retirement as my Dad was pretty shitty financially towards her during the divorce but she was ok (and much happier).

Thanks @Windmill34 and @Beamur . Almost 7 years off state pension age. They have some savings and would sell their home so I don't know if she'd qualify for council housing, but it's good to know that facility is there, something to look into if we need to. It could be the difference between a horrible flat in a shit area and a decent flat in her current area, which mentally would make a huge difference.

It's unfortunate this has happened so early into retirement (although possibly part of the reason? Suddenly a lot more time on their hands) as she'd be more than capable of continuing to work for a few more years, if she hadn't left her job.

@Beamur I'm sorry to hear you've been through this, how awful to know about it before your mum. I'd say we had a difficult relationship growing up, but it had improved lots over the past few years. I'd made an effort to put a lot of stuff behind us. Makes me wonder why I bothered

@altmember They aren't 'his kids', they are 'their kids' - hers just as much as his.

Yes obviously, but my point was that he's had his usefulness out of her, and now he has no more need for a skivvy it can all be about him and what he wants. It's pathetic

Can your Mum go back to working? If she's fit and well enough, the financial benefits and possibly self esteem would be good.

You can’t know for sure that he hasn’t done this before. Most affairs go undiscovered.

Whilst its a shock, it’s something that goes on in every street in every town. Affairs are pretty common as the stats show.

Other than be supportive to your mum, what else can you do? It’s up to you if you continue to have a relationship with your dad. To be honest I would and did. My mum was the one who had the affair. Shit happens and life goes on.

I don't know, she wouldn't be able to go back to her old job (AFAIK). She was desperate to retire. It's something to think about, bit soon at the moment but it could be an option. Would buy her some breathing space, even a low wage with no pension deductions plus her current pension would be a pretty nice monthly income.

@Shortyp cool but am I allowed a few days of hurt before life goes on?! No I can't be sure, but I'm as close to sure as it's possible to be. He's never had much of a social life, barely left the house apart from to go to work.

The alternative is that people stay with a partner they no longer love, out of obligation or because you 'owe' them. That sounds even worse - keeping their partner trapped in a hollow relationship when they don't even realise it (maybe he's been doing that for years already). Life is short, time is precious. As much as I think it's far too easy to get divorced these days, and just walk away without trying to save it, that's where society has put it.

Obviously, having an affair is the wrong way to end a long marriage, but the marriage is (or was, if they can fix it) probably broken too. People fall out of love and it can't be helped. I don't think maintaining contact with the ow is a good sign that he wants to fix the marriage though unfortunately.