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Original poster

So called relationship, was I right to snap or out of order?

35 replies

MsNoodle · 23/03/2008 20:51

I am involved in a long distance relationship. When we first met he said he'd come and visit every weekend. This soon changed to every fortnight. Our main form of communication is msn which is crap. He does phone now and again but this is normally when he's at work so 2 minutes in he has to "rush off" as he has a customer.

I'm sick of the whole thing, we never see each other, we're never together at important times (bank holidays, easter, christmas, valantines day etc etc) and he doesnt seem to understand that the whole point of being in a relationship is to have someone there for you.

I spend all week on my own, every other weekend on my own, public holidays on my own...its just stupid.

The other day I was upset, he kept nagging me on msn asking what was matter so I told him I was feeling depressed so he send a "sad" face and wrote hugs and then added a smilie I couldn't help myself and snapped and wrote back "wow great, now I feel a million times better". He replied "What else do you want me to do?" as if I expect too much of him.

Everytime I've tried to break it off he's talked me around but what's the point? I want to be with someone I can see on a weekend, spend a few hours with when the kids have gone to bed during the week...someone to go for a drive with on a bank holiday...am I really expecting too much of a relationship?

OP posts:
Maidamess · 23/03/2008 20:54

No you are not expecting too much. being in the same room at least some of the time is fundamental to a successful relationship, especially in the early days!

It doesn't sound to me like you even have a relationship with this guy, more like a penpal.

Kick him into touch. Even if you like him, the relationship isn't working.

RosaIsRed · 23/03/2008 20:58

I hate to ask, but do you have his home landline number? He seems to have so little time to spare for you that I would immediately be wondering what was going on in the rest of his life.
I agree with Maidamess, dump him. You say you want someone who will spend time with you and that is NOT expecting too much, but you won't get it from this loser, by the sounds of it.

Carmenere · 23/03/2008 21:05

Is he married?

hecate · 23/03/2008 21:13

Got to say I think married/living with someone. Do you have his address? What if you phoned him and said "I wanted to see you, I'm outside your house, let me in"

Shaniece · 23/03/2008 21:27

Not saying this is your situation but my BIL works away and he found out a guy he works with has been leading a double life, i.e. a wife with 2 kids here in Wales and a live in girlfriend with a baby on the way in Newcastle neither women have a clue.

Original poster
MsNoodle · 23/03/2008 21:29

It's funny you should mention Newcastle...that's where I am.

OP posts:
chocolatespiders · 23/03/2008 21:31

i amsorry butu i think he lives a double life..

long bank hol weekend he should be with you- unless he is working?

not on if it is not what you want

chocolatespiders · 23/03/2008 21:32

my ex used to tell me he was working away in newcastle- when he was with other women

Shaniece · 23/03/2008 21:33

MsNoodle is your bloke from Wales?

wannaBe · 23/03/2008 21:33

would put money on him being married.

But even if not I would still get rid.

Flibbertyjibbet · 23/03/2008 21:34

As one who was conned a couple of times by toe-rags who were in other relationships, I'd say DUMP HIM as he has other things going on elsewhere.
A good friend once said to me that relationships are about people. If the people are not 'there' then it ain't a relationship.
If he tries to talk you round again, give him conditions for things to continue, ie

  • you want to see him every weekend- if he says he works every other weekend then tell him you will come to see him on the alternates.
  • You need a landline and mobile number for him to contact him when you want as, after all, he is in a relationship with you. Accept no excuses, everyone is contactable all the time if they want to be.
  • you require his presence at all the important days/weekends.

The minute he backs out of any of these, trust us mumnsetters, its because he has someone else that he is with on these dates.
Please turn up at his on one of the alternate weekends unannounced and let us know what happens

wannaBe · 23/03/2008 21:36

do you know where he lives?
do you have his address?
do you ever talk to him on thephone when he's at home?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/03/2008 21:37

He is a dead horse, and you are flogging him.

Do yourself, and your self esteem a favour and jack him in, and leave yourself available for a proper man to come along and have a relationship with.

To be honest, I think all you are to him is an easy lay for when he's in the area.

catsmother · 23/03/2008 22:34

Of course you're not expecting too much from a relationship. The things you're missing sound perfectly normal and reasonable to me and there are plenty of single men out there who, I'm sure, would like to share the same things too.

Get rid of the one you've got and then you'll be available to take up any opportunities which come your way.

I don't know why you're sticking around TBH .... you haven't written one good thing about him in your post, and even if he isn't living some sort of double life, you clearly want different things.

WinkyWinkola · 23/03/2008 22:50

My instant reaction to your post was he's in another relationship.

He's not investing very much time in your relationship, is he? He sounds a bit feeble to me.

When you're in love, both parties make a huge effort to be with each other because they have an urge to be together.

Bin him and you know what? You won't miss him that much because you hardly ever see him.

Original poster
MsNoodle · 23/03/2008 23:47

I think you're all right.

We're on msn now and I thought I'd "surpise" him by asking for his address and saying I'll pop in on Sunday whilst I'm in the area. He went very quiet, said he'd need to check, then said he'd meet me somewhere as it would be easier and then when I still persisted for his address he started an argument with me about something completely unrelated so that it no longer seemed "right" to talk about me visiting. Def something wrong somewhere.

OP posts:
Dior · 23/03/2008 23:49

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 23/03/2008 23:52

How long have you been involved with him? How can this not have occurred to you before now?

madamez · 23/03/2008 23:56

Erm, does this guy know you consider yourself to be in a relationship with him? Has he ever said anything to you about your relationship being serious? Has he ever asked you if you are monogamous? He seems to be treating you as a friend-with-benefits, but have you explained to him that you want more than that, and asked him whether or not he does?

ladymariner · 24/03/2008 00:01

sorry but really think you need to break off all contact as of now, this isn't going anywhere. The guy is really bad news.

WallOfSilence · 24/03/2008 00:01

Have you ever actually met this guy?

jenniejennie · 24/03/2008 00:05

Look up his address on 192.com

Defo married or living with someone though. Even if by some miracle he isnt - this chap isnt worth havin a relationship with. You deserve better. Its just not normal.

WallOfSilence · 24/03/2008 00:07

jj, he didn't give her his address!!

Dior · 24/03/2008 00:08

Message withdrawn

jenniejennie · 24/03/2008 00:10

On 192.com you can look people up with just their name. You dont need their address or phone number. worth a try if she wants to find out the truth once and for all.