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Original poster

Am I over reacting or is this manipulative

57 replies

Allthegoodnamestakken · 18/02/2024 10:41

DP and I have been together 9 years, we were young when we got together so it was only the last couple of years I’ve really started thinking about marriage and kids. Over the last 12 months I’ve made my feelings on this very clear and he has always made the right noises.

Things have been a bit patchy lately an a few months ago during an argument about something stupid he told me that he has planned to ask me to marry him very soon but how could he propose if I was going to trap him in a marriage of arguments. This really upset me it was a stupid argument and prior to this we were perfectly happy.

Since then theirs been a few occasions where during minor disagreements he has made comments along similar lines. I now feel as though he is basically using marriage and kids as a threat to get me to never question anything, never argue back always be on my best behaviour. It’s making me feel very manipulated and actually ruining how happy I felt in the relationship.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2024 15:31
Flowers

Can you move out?

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2024 15:36

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2024 13:13

He thinks he's found your Achilles heel, and he is happy to exploit it. What better way to behave badly yet keep you off his back by threatening not to marry you and making you believe it's your fault because you're a nag. Clever boy, eh? 🙄

Of course he's manipulating you, and I think the only reason you think this relationship has been "happy" for so many years is because you've never laid down your expectations before.

This. What you've also missed OP is that using the word 'nag' is also manipulative. That word is a deeply misogynistic word meant to shame and silence you. Whenever a man says 'nag' I hear 'I don't like women to voice their needs'.

I suspect he's been in this very long relationship, is a little bored, thinks the grass might be greener or that he missed out on playing the field and is manufacturing ways to get a break, whether that's short term or permanent, to shag about.

If you want to assert yourself, next time he says it, say "I am allowed to say when I'm unhappy or annoyed. If me being able to speak my mind affects your desire to marry me, YOU'RE the problem and I don't want to marry you." See what he says.

Mainats · 18/02/2024 15:52

Prelapsarianhag · 18/02/2024 14:02

He is a future faking manipulative arsehole and is shaping up for a bit of coercive control. Move on, he is not as nice as you think.

This. Every word. He's nasty, OP, and wants you entirely under his thumb. He probably does want to marry you, when he's got you completely grovelling and doing exactly what he says, but there is no way in the world you should marry him.

Tell him he's manipulative, and that you don't want to marry someone like that. See how he likes a taste of his own medicine.

Then dump his sorry arse and go live your life on your own terms.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2024 16:05

Came on to say the same thing about 'nagging'. He's already devaluing you. Your opinions make you a 'nag'. He's telling you 'every time you don't agree with me you're just a stupid nagging woman who needs to shut up and put up'.

Contempt has entered the relationship.

He also doesn't want to get married and is making it your fault rather than being honest.

Relationship has ran its course unfortunately.

ollypollymolly · 18/02/2024 16:11

I am not showing off but when I said to my bf that I wanted kids, and I wanted to be married before I had kids, and that I would want to do it with him but only if we were married, then he proposed to me that night and we got married that year.

He is being a controlling dick. What is your situation like, have you got a job which could let you move away for a bit ? Or go live with friends / family? He is saying blah blah but his actions are of a total selfish arse

Zanatdy · 18/02/2024 16:11

Don’t marry and have kids with this guy. Previous poster said what I was thinking too, there will be always something he holds over you like this. I’d take the power back and tell him you don’t want to marry him now he’s starting to emotionally blackmail you, and leave.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/02/2024 16:12

He's trying to get you to toe the line, to behave how he sees acceptable.
He's using himself as the prize for good behaviour, but I don't think he's the prize you deserve.

barkymcbark · 18/02/2024 16:18

Sounds like he's using the marriage proposal to control you to act in a certain way.

Tbh I'd make plans to leave, if he threatens you with not proposing again tell him die to him threatening you with this all the time, if he did propose you'd say no! I bet you my bottom dollar he'd then back track.

cordeliachaseatemyhandbag · 18/02/2024 16:37

He's not a keeper.

He doesn't want to marry you because he's already getting the milk for free.

Men will tell you what you want to hear to get them what they want (shagging & laundry).

Once you get to your mid/late 30s and you have limited time to have DCs he'll still have you dangling then you'll be so desperate you'll have DCs before marriage.

Then he won't marry you because you're trapped.

Then once he has all the power/income/home ownership he'll leave and leave you in poverty.

Watchkeys · 18/02/2024 16:44

I now feel as though he is basically using marriage and kids as a threat to get me to never question anything

Whatever his intentions, do you want to commit to someone who's made you feel this way? You don't actually trust him to be honest with you.

CoalTit · 18/02/2024 16:49

No, you are not overreacting.
And he is not being very original. Other women have told me about this line "I was going to propose to you but now you've spoiled it" being used on them.

gotthearse · 18/02/2024 17:19

You can do better than this chump.

"I was thinking of asking you soon" would tell me everything I needed to know.

Find a fella that thinks it would be a privilege to be your DH, not one that thinks he's doing you a favour. You are worth more than a man child. Your instincts are correct.

perfectcolourfound · 18/02/2024 18:00

His appalling behaviour is for one of two reasons (or possibly both):

  1. He doesn't want to marry you, and is regularly finding excuses so he can blame you for the not getting married.
  2. (Whether or not he wants to marry you) he is using marriage as something to keep you in line / make you behave / make you stop arguing or ever questionning him.

Whichever it is (and I suspect it's both) he isn't a good partner. This isn't a respectful relationship. It won't get better, it will only get worse. You'll get more resentful, and you'll wish you'd left him now, after 9 years. Rather than after 10 years, 15 years, 35 years.....

Better to leave now and start to build a happier life (happily single and, if you choose, available to meet a decent man in the future) rather than waste another month on this man.

Catoo · 18/02/2024 18:20

I’m sorry OP.
Don’t waste any more time on this one. 9 years is long enough. Don’t give him 9 more minutes.

Call time and go and find someone who cherishes you.

You never know, it might shock him into realising what he’s losing. But my guess he’s already looking around or has met someone else and is being an arsehole to get you to break it off so he can leave guilt free.

💐

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 18/02/2024 18:22

How long are you prepared to wait ?

BirthdayRainbow · 18/02/2024 18:27

Allthegoodnamestakken · 18/02/2024 11:13

For the posters concerned I have no intention of getting pregnant without first getting married that has also been very clear.
i am just at a loss we had a great relationship theirs never been any real issues before this and even still we get on great 99% of the time but this sudden use of marriage as a reason for me to be completely placid and never express any negative emotion has set off alarm bells. But are they enough for me to give up 9 years of happiness

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Better to walk away after nine years of happiness than sign up for decades of misery. No one who loves their partner treats them like this. No one.

TheGreatGherkin · 18/02/2024 18:27

I think you ned to realise that this is the beginning of the end of your relationship.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 18/02/2024 18:36

I think your partner sees your desire to be married and have children as something he can ‘bestow’ upon you, but in return he wants your silence. Marriage isn’t a contract of employment and consenting to marry should be a mutual decision carrying equal rights and responsibilities. Silence is not something he can demand of you, and I would worry that he sees your silence has his right, and it will be a breeding ground of resentment. He isn’t doing you a favour by marrying. If he thinks he is….he isn’t ready to marry you and he is not going to be a good husband.

Starseeking · 18/02/2024 18:42

This is how my EXDP used to dangle the carrot of marriage to keep me from disagreeing with him on anything.

In the end I left him after 5 years of being engaged, 7 years in the relationship altogether and 2 DC together.

Don't think of it as a wasted 9 years, those years are gone, however if you get out now, you'll have had a lucky escape as it is unlikely to be a lasting union if he has to be pushed into it.

Find someone who wants to marry you with all his heart and soul, and is happy to sing it from the rooftops.

bottomsup12 · 18/02/2024 18:46

Are you so desperate for marriage that you'll stick with this absolute loser.
It's totally manipulative and you should not even want marriage so much that you lose yourself in the process

ButtCheeks · 18/02/2024 18:53

SuperGreens · 18/02/2024 14:59

The only man you should ever marry and give children to is one who immensely grateful for such a gift. Marriage and children take a lot out of you as a woman, there is no way to avoid it... the pregnancy, the birth, the child's reliance on you as a tiny baby, which then carries as they get older, the relentless guilt of working or not working whilst trying to be a good mother. Men simply do not experience it in the same way. So the only man who should ever receive this gift is one who fully appreciates it.

So this cock womble you are with who cannot even be courteous to your friends who are cooking you dinner, let alone you, is an appalling father candidate. LTB.

These are very very wise words!

Newnamehiwhodis · 19/02/2024 04:11

He’s a complete troglodyte. I hope you can get free.

Codlingmoths · 19/02/2024 04:15

Next time, you say ‘you know I don’t actually want marriage and kids with someone who is incapable of handling me disagreeing with them or criticising them ever. That would be making a terrible mistake. So let’s put that on ice and I need to to take some days to think.’ Then go away for a few days. I too think he wants out but can’t articulate it. He doesn’t want to move forward, that much is clear.

Calicobritches · 19/02/2024 04:48

Trust your instincts about this op. He doesn’t sound mature enough for marriage or children tbh.

What is his parents relationship like? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, if he came from a home where his parents always argued, he may be ultra sensitive about it.

Or have an immature unrealistically perfect view of what marriage entails.

On the other hand he may have a misogynistic father who frames the husband-wife relationship as the husband gets away with as much as possible while the wife nags and tries to curtails the man’s freedom. Urrgh.

Or he is spending a lot of time on dodgy mens’s groups on-line and eating up all the nasty rhetoric about why women need to be controlled in multiple ways as they are trying to take away your freedom, your peace of mind, your free will and your money.

But in the argument you gave as an example, it sounds worse than just not being able to disagree respectfully, it sounds like he can’t take responsibility for his own actions. And that’s a relationship killer.

Agree with pp about changing the dynamic. Go away for a few days without consulting him. Leave him to stew in his own juice. Have a good think.

asdunno · 19/02/2024 05:00

Yes I agree with you. He's holding the marriage card as a way to silence you when you are saying things he doesn't want to hear.

With the meeting friends scenario all that was required was an apology on his part (ideally in advance but if not then when you called) Why wouldn't he want to apologise for messing you around?

I'd be concerned about this tbh , when you have kids there's a lot more scope for rows - who's getting up in the night, who's doing the pots when you're both knackered, who's getting a lie in or time to themselves etc. It can be a balancing act
of compromise and if one of you only communicates by shutting the other down things will not get sufficiently resolved.

It's always easier to advise on a forum but I think you need a serious conversation about how your future is going to look. And that you need to be clear what you are looking for in a potential husband. make it clear his previous behaviour is unacceptable and see what he brings to the table.

it may be only occasionally now but as life gets more complicated it will likely be more of am issue . And unfortunately mens tolerance levels often drop after marriage /kids.