Struggling to see how I’ll get over this?

[Lookingforluck]

Yesterday evening, I ended up at A&E with my 22 month old daughter. We were at a friend’s house when she fell down their stairs. A flight of about 12 steps. I keep seeing it in my head and it makes me feel so sick. DH had taken her upstairs to change her nappy but then left her unattended at the top as he decided to put something away in bags. I was in the kitchen downstairs when I suddenly heard her fall. I saw the whole thing. Thankfully she didn’t hit her head and she was running around A&E last night before we saw a doctor to confirm she was ok. We will obviously keep a close eye on her. I slept in her room last night, although there was very little sleeping had by me. I just feel so sick thinking about how different the outcome of that fall could have been. More to the point, I feel so angry at my DH. Pure rage. He was so negligent and I just don’t see how I can ever forgive him. Accidents happen but right now, I cannot see that this way. He was totally negligent and put our daughter at risk. Is this rage unjustified? How do I deal with it?

She is fine. That is the main thing. I think.your husband must be feeling terrible without adding to things. She is his child too. He was not negligent, it was a slip or error of judgment. It could have easily happened to you. The fact that you were not at home and possibly in a non child free house has probably made this more likely. Glad she is well.

It was an accident not deliberately done, i would put my energies into caring for my child

Same as I would not accept my husband raging at me if I let an accident happen

None of us is perfect

It was an accident. Why did she fall? Did she topple over or was she trying to walk down stairs without know how to safely? She should have been taught how to walk down stairs by now as it’s advised to remove baby gates at 2 yrs due to the risk of them climbing over and caused a bigger injury.

These things do take a while to fade, but they do eventually. My DD is twenty and I can still reduce myself to tears about the time she reached up and pulled a mug of (what turned out to be luke warm ) coffee over her head.

It was an accident and you are upset, don’t let it drive a wedge between you.

Is he contrite? I think his reaction (remorse vs dismissive) would influence my feelings tbh.

Thank you for the replies.

I am focusing on what could have been which is not helpful, I know. It has been traumatic for all of us. DH is remorseful and is also upset by the whole thing.

I appreciate an almost 2 year old should have better grasp of the stairs. She knows how to come down safely backwards but was trying to step forwards this time and toppled. We live in a flat so have no stairs to practice with on a daily basis - only when out and about or visiting others. She practices with her childminder and should know to hold the rail when coming down.

I think you’re being really unfair on your DH . He wasn’t negligent or careless the way you imply. Accidents happen, it’s life. I hope you apologise to him.

My then 2 yr old fell down a whole wooden flight of stairs, I heard his head bang on every step going down. It was my fault, just a moment of not being inattentive. He was fine, luckily, but of course I felt terrible. I wouldn’t expect to be made to feel even worse with no understanding that it was an accident, lessons were definitely learnt that day.

Accidents happen, what parent hasn't had that heart lurching feel at some point. Usually we get away with it. Im sure that he feels bad enough as it is. Just be thankful that everything is ok.

My DS is 3 last spring he almost fell out of our bedroom window. My DP had pulled the window not realising he hadn't shut it fully, my son climbed up on a chair I have at my dressing table put his weight on the window and when I turned around he was hanging his head out the window.

I felt sick for weeks thinking about it, but I got over it, it just took time. Needless to say we now have safety locks on all the windows!

He didn't do it on purpose. He's already upset and remorseful. Would you like it if he behaved this way when you make a parenting mistake? You almost certainly will, by the way. I am sure we've all had at least one moment when our child accidentally got hurt and we feel awful about it.

Accidents happen unfortunately. It wasn't deliberate on his part, just a lapse in focus and happens to us all at some stage of parenting especially in the toddler years. My 10-month old fell down the stairs after I accidentally left the stair gate open. He was up those stairs so fast and I only realised as I heard him come down. I froze and couldn't move until I heard him scream. I'll never forget it. He broke his leg 😢. I felt awful, absolutely ridden with guilt but it wasn't deliberate, I literally just forgot to close the gate.

He probably feels like utter shite. I'd give him a hug.

Absolutely this. He must feel awful.

You've had a shock, felt intense fear, contended with the stress of A&E and had little sleep. Your feelings at this moment are extremely heightened and skewed - give yourself some time and you will calm down.

I understand your rage at your husband right now, but try not to crucify him - keep your distance for the moment if you can. We all have lapses of judgement at times, most of the time there are no consequences but sometimes we're not so lucky. Try and stay humane about it (and if you can't, avoid your husband as much as you can), next time it might be you that the laspe of judgement bites you on the arse.

Give yourself some space and time and rest if that's at all possible. Your feelings will subside.

100% this. You owe him an apology.

One day you will do exactly the same thing, you’ll take a second too long to turn round, or you’ll forget to clip the safety gate, or you’ll turn your back for a second to pick up an apple in the supermarket, or turn your back at the park to pick up a dropped dummy, the possibilities are endless, it can take literally just that one second for something to happen. You are not perfect, no parent is, we all make mistakes without meaning to, and when it’s your turn to make that mistake you will feel awful, so guilty it eats you up, and the absolute last thing you need in that situation is your partner blaming you and making you feel even worse.

I think you’re being really unfair in your husband. Even the most careful parent can have a lapse in judgement and 99% of the time the child is ok.
I get that you’re in shock and focussing on the worst case scenario but blaming him is not going to help.

Thank you for the replies. I completely understand that I’m being called out on my feelings. I know nobody is perfect and I far from claim to be. Life with a toddler is unpredictable and they move quickly. None of the rage I’m feeling has been verbalised. These are all internal thoughts that have caught me off guard but I’m being very honest with the emotions I’m going through. The stress of the situation has got to me. It’s just a very quiet household this morning with thoughts running through my head. I don’t think I have anything to apologise for other than being quiet this morning but I’ll acknowledge to DH that I understand he’s upset and in shock at the situation too.

My eldest fell down the whole flight of stairs in our house while I was home alone with the dc. I was carrying (baby) ds2 when it happened. He was absolutely fine. I didn’t take him to get checked out by anyone but kept an eye on him. These things do happen when they’re little.

When my son was 17 months old he fell down the stairs in my house.
He was a sleep down stairs i went to the loo as you do and in that 1-2 minute span he had woken and got to the top of the stairs.
i came out the loo door he puts his arms up for me and bang he went back flipping all the way down to the bottom.
Ive never jumped stairs like it scared the bloody life out me.
I had a baby gate but he opened it i never put the latch down when i went up.
Hes 21 this year hes fine.
These things happen and their fast little thing when they're small.

@Lookingforluck You're not being called out for your feelings so much as your thoughts. It's fine to feel angry, but that's when you need to mentally put yourself in his shoes and internally reassure yourself - that's how you deal with it / move past it. People do pick up on how you're feeling so I'd probably openly say I'm sorry I didn't comfort you, I was really scared and emotional, etc. He'll have felt the tension I'm sure.

@Lookingforluck
Dont be too hard on yourself its hard work with a toddler when they like spiders things are going to happen bumps bangs falls etc.
No parent is perfect.
I was kicking my self for weeks.
Then there was the time he fell on his drum kit age 2 and half and grazed his back badly i have that on video.
My youngest has a scar on his eye brow he was toddling along in the front room and lost his balance bang head right on the corner of the side table.
Thats after i had thought i child proofed everything i got rid of that table straight outside.
Plus loads more when they got older.
from colds & flus to broken bones in their teens.
Their both adults thank god.
They didnt half scare me when they were little no wonder i have gray hair.

This is a natural (but irrational) reaction. You’ve not given it enough time to get over it, so it will be going round in your head but it also seems like one of these experiences that you can chalk up to experience. If you continue to feel pure rage at your husband that will have a bigger impact on the relationship and family life than the original incident.

Big hug for your husband, ask him if he’s ok. Bet he feels absolutely terrible. Treat him how you would like to be treated yourself. Get out on stairs again with your little one as soon as possible, shops are good. Make a game of it Holding on to the rail, counting the steps, lots of fun to be had. These things happen.