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Is this stingy or am I being unreasonable?

75 replies

Warriorbadass · 17/02/2024 12:30

I have been dating a man for about four months. We have come on a ski trip together with my teenage son. I have paid for all my expenses and my son's expenses, but something feels a bit off around the money thing. He has been coming here (it's a freebie for him) for many years and I had to pay his friend in cash (which I was fine about). On the first day I had a ski accident and ended up in hospital and now I am on crutches so sadly can't ski. Yesterday the BF took my son skiing which he offered to do and seemed really happy about, but whilst they were out all day, he made my son buy all his drinks for him using my bank card which I gave to my son for his expenses. He came back and made a joke saying that my son had bought him all his drinks on my card because he had mentioned that ski lessons are usually really expensive. I just felt that my son might have felt like he had to do it and I don't know any other adult (even if joking) who would have accepted a kid paying for them. It just feels so petty and transactional. It's not about the money (as it was a small amount) and I know my son would have offered to buy him a drink, it's just that it felt engineered. It's not the first time he seems to have this hyper-focus around money and what he is owed. I just am unsure how to handle it as it is my first time of experiencing someone who tells me how much everything costs and when I should pay for things. I keep coming back to the word transactional. I am more than happy to pay my way (which I do), but I never feel the need to keep stating what I have paid for, how much etc. I am just wondering if others have experienced this, or is it just I have a different value system around money.

OP posts:
HippyCritical · 17/02/2024 12:33

Be careful with this one @Warriorbadass . Has he ever paid for anything?

Watchkeys · 17/02/2024 12:33

Your different. He is how is, and there's no point naming that 'stingy' or 'normal' or anything else. Your name for it makes no difference to anything. What matters is whether you are comfortable.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/02/2024 12:34

He sounds absolutely awful. I would get home and dump him.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 12:35

When I first met dh we went on holiday. Just a cheap camping one. I paid half for the site. Was a field. I paid for all food and extras for us all if i recall. Dh is shit with money. Mean. And we have separate finances. It isn't healthy I know.
Beware op.
Resentment is a killer in a relationship..

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2024 12:35

Struggling to get past taking him on holiday with your son after dating for 4 months. You barely know him. Turns out he’s a bit of a dick, so a shame you’ve unnecessarily involved your son. How long are you there?

Usernamewassavedsuccessfully · 17/02/2024 12:36

You've been with him for FOUR MONTHS and he's playing happy families with your child??? I think there's more to explore here than the money situation.

ShakeNvacStevens · 17/02/2024 12:37

I take it you've know this man for years before starting to date him; surely you must have picked up on his attitude towards money before this?

SausageAndEggSandwich · 17/02/2024 12:37

He sounds really tight. I would find that deeply unattractive.

SamW98 · 17/02/2024 12:41

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2024 12:35

Struggling to get past taking him on holiday with your son after dating for 4 months. You barely know him. Turns out he’s a bit of a dick, so a shame you’ve unnecessarily involved your son. How long are you there?

Absolutely this. How old is your son OP? You say teenage but there’s a big difference between 13/14 and 18/19.

And yes he’s awful letting anyone buy all of his drinks let alone your son who has your card purely for your own personal expenses. He sounds like a freeloader

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/02/2024 12:42

ShakeNvacStevens · 17/02/2024 12:37

I take it you've know this man for years before starting to date him; surely you must have picked up on his attitude towards money before this?

That’s usually the drip feed. Known him yeeeaarrs and the kid loves him. Or variations thereof.

Channellingsophistication · 17/02/2024 12:45

I would be very careful here. You hardly know this man yet hes going off with your son..?

Definitely check your bank balance

SpringSparrow · 17/02/2024 12:46

That’s very off putting and tight. I’d be throwing this one back.

icelollycraving · 17/02/2024 12:49

Why on earth would you take your child away with a boyfriend of a few months? Clearly you don’t know him well enough.
The money situation would put me off. This one is not a keeper, just a shame you’ve let a stranger into your son’s life. What on earth were you thinking?

Warriorbadass · 17/02/2024 12:50

My son is 17 and there is a larger group that he can ski with, so it was only because I was injured that yesterday's situation was different and it's certainly not a case of playing happy families. I think I am trying to see the money thing from different perspectives or values. I guess I am a bit confused.

OP posts:
Lampslights · 17/02/2024 12:51

You took your son on holiday with a bloke you’ve literally known a few weeks? Then sent him off skiing with him?

Usernamewassavedsuccessfully · 17/02/2024 12:54

And that is literally all that's bothering you?

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2024 12:56

He’s tight and I’d be totally put off by that.

If you take a teen out with you, as the adult you pay.

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2024 12:57

Taking a 17 year old away on a group skiing holiday with a bloke you’ve been seeing is hardly the horror posters are implying it is.

Lampslights · 17/02/2024 12:59

Warriorbadass · 17/02/2024 12:50

My son is 17 and there is a larger group that he can ski with, so it was only because I was injured that yesterday's situation was different and it's certainly not a case of playing happy families. I think I am trying to see the money thing from different perspectives or values. I guess I am a bit confused.

Then why wasn’t he off with the other kids, instead of spending all day with this random?

im sorry but where’s your boundaries.

Lampslights · 17/02/2024 13:00

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2024 12:57

Taking a 17 year old away on a group skiing holiday with a bloke you’ve been seeing is hardly the horror posters are implying it is.

It’s clearly not a group holiday and she hasn’t said it was. She said there was a group he could ski with, but clearly something off there as he spent the day with this bloke

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2024 13:02

Then why wasn’t he off with the other kids, instead of spending all day with this random?
IME skiing is more about the route than the company. Especially for 17 year old boys. My DS would far rather ski a challenging run with a “random” or alone, than ski a dull route with people he knew.

PutMyFootIn · 17/02/2024 13:02

Yes he's tight.

This is what dating is for, to see whether you are compatible. You're not. Next!

Lampslights · 17/02/2024 13:05

PegasusReturns · 17/02/2024 13:02

Then why wasn’t he off with the other kids, instead of spending all day with this random?
IME skiing is more about the route than the company. Especially for 17 year old boys. My DS would far rather ski a challenging run with a “random” or alone, than ski a dull route with people he knew.

Thanks, but with politeness I asked the op. And i am fully aware of the dynamics of skiing, the question stands.

SamW98 · 17/02/2024 13:06

Taking drinks from a child and talking about money constantly would be an absolute at deal breaker for me. I couldn’t care less how much money someone spent but going on about it would give me the ick big time

WmFnKdSg1234 · 17/02/2024 13:07

Your bloke took advantage of the situation - it's as simple as that. There's no way a grown man should have a teenager buying him drinks especially using your card.

The question is: what are you going to do about it?

I would be dumping - he's a CF and I wouldn't be able to get pass his unscrupulous behaviour

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