Is this stingy or am I being unreasonable?

[Warriorbadass]

I have been dating a man for about four months. We have come on a ski trip together with my teenage son. I have paid for all my expenses and my son's expenses, but something feels a bit off around the money thing. He has been coming here (it's a freebie for him) for many years and I had to pay his friend in cash (which I was fine about). On the first day I had a ski accident and ended up in hospital and now I am on crutches so sadly can't ski. Yesterday the BF took my son skiing which he offered to do and seemed really happy about, but whilst they were out all day, he made my son buy all his drinks for him using my bank card which I gave to my son for his expenses. He came back and made a joke saying that my son had bought him all his drinks on my card because he had mentioned that ski lessons are usually really expensive. I just felt that my son might have felt like he had to do it and I don't know any other adult (even if joking) who would have accepted a kid paying for them. It just feels so petty and transactional. It's not about the money (as it was a small amount) and I know my son would have offered to buy him a drink, it's just that it felt engineered. It's not the first time he seems to have this hyper-focus around money and what he is owed. I just am unsure how to handle it as it is my first time of experiencing someone who tells me how much everything costs and when I should pay for things. I keep coming back to the word transactional. I am more than happy to pay my way (which I do), but I never feel the need to keep stating what I have paid for, how much etc. I am just wondering if others have experienced this, or is it just I have a different value system around money.

It’s clearly not a group holiday and she hasn’t said it was

There’s a group skiing together. I’m not sure what the difference is 🤷‍♀️

I do think skiing holidays are very different to regular holidays. They’re very commonly an odd assortment of people thrown together because they really want to ski rather than an overarching desire to spend time with each other.

a 17 year old with mum and partner of 4mths on a city break to prague = weird.

a 17 year old with mum and partner of 4mths and a group of other skiers = not weird

Thanks, but with politeness I asked the op. And i am fully aware of the dynamics of skiing, the question stands

you might get the dynamics of skiing, but you seem to have missed how they apply to a chat board. Perhaps DM the OP if you want a private discussion eh?

Dump! Poste haste! What a wanker!

I’d say, drinks on you tomorrow then and laugh about him not wanting a reputation for making a 17 year old pay for drinks… just to lighten mood and set boundaries, making trip more bearable then dump when home.

Some people are careful with money and how things are split. But keep an eye on this one O P, he may indeed be on the tight side. Its early days at 4 months but is he usually fair with his money? Also sounds like he put your son in a bit of a difficult position and l wouldn't like that.

I'd be really angry that he effectively guilted my DS into paying for his drinks and would be telling him that tomorrow it's his turn to pay!

Oh FFS, the OP wasn’t asking about whether it was appropriate to take her DS away on this trip with her BF. The boy is 17. If she judges it to be appropriate, it’s appropriate. Stop derailing the thread.

OP, I would find this odd and unless your DS was playing the flash bugger and splashing the cash (card) then it is very strange and rather off putting unless he was strapped for cash. It wouldn’t cross my DP’s mind to make my kids (similar ages to yours) pay for anything when we’re out. If anything, they spend ages trying to work out what to get him for Christmas because he’s so generous to them. At 4 months I’d expect my BF to be on his best behavior and think nothing of buying my kid the odd hot chocolate or sandwich. Equally, if I’m with my DP’s kids I pay for the tea and buns, even though they’re v early 20s now. It’s just not really the done thing to make youngsters with less money pay unless you can’t.

He's tight and took advantage, good that you have seen this side of him early on in your relationship... You could turn the table on him and say he can pay at the next opportunity..
Not a keeper, he is what he is but i would definitely be waving goodbye when back home.

You’ve seen it early. Dump him as you get back.

He sounds tight. Also I have noticed that some non DPs especially male ones, view teen boys as grown ups and expect them to act like that, although here this bloke is the moocher.

Doesn't really change things but was it a case of them both skiing together at the same level or was he genuinely going on easier runs for your DS and perhaps giving him some coaching techniques and having to wait for him?

Personally I can’t stand tight, penny pinchers, but understand they exist and are usually far better off than everyone else due to their Scrooge-y ways, but the fact it bothers you shows you aren’t compatible. He can’t change it, it’s part of his world view, and you can’t overlook it as it’s not part of yours. Ultimately your attitudes around finances don’t align, and this is a determinant of relationship success, along with things like belief and values acceptance, the decision to have/not have children etc.
If you have no desire to ever move in with him or share any kind of financial ties then it could work, as long as you set clear boundaries about what and how much you are willing to pay for the activities you do (this is a cheap trip for him, you shouldn’t feel like you must go just because he wants to if you can’t afford it or just don’t want to spend money on it) but if you want a relationship where you might move in and pool your finances to any extent in the future then he’s not for you.

Blech. He jumped on the opportunity to take advantage of a young kid. 🤮 I would run as fast soon as you can.

It depends.

With some members of my family I am very transactional now as they just take the piss all the time.

Has your holiday worked out cheaper?

How old is your son? Did he have a nice time with the guy? Did he learn how to ski?

Ski and snowboard lessons are £50 an hour. In the UK I believe we paid £80 an hour for snowboarding lessons for our son (he wanted to change from skiing to snowboarding).

If it’s a trait you don’t find attractive in him then the relationship is doomed. I would take a more broad view and assess any costs against the benefits.

Yep. Tighter than a duck’s arse.

He sounds hyper-focused on money and is out for what he can squeeze from you/your son. Deeply unattractive and I’d be off.

You said that he said the lessons were expensive (they are!) I'm assuming he paid then? The drinks would be a fraction of the cost!

There's nothing wrong with keeping track of spending and evening things out. Otherwise somebody always feels like they are being shafted. Great if you're the one getting a free meal (or ski lessons) but not so great if you are the one who's often paying.

I guess I am a bit confused.

What is it you're confused about @Warriorbadass ?

I don’t think that’s what the OP is saying.

Her stingy partner was making a crap and stingy joke about how him taking her son skiing had saved her paying for an expensive lesson.

You are right. It is stingey and it is transactional.

IMO, it’s a highly unattractive trait whether it’s a male or female doing it.

He definitely wouldn’t be for me.

I wonder when posters think it would have been appropriate to introduce your DS17 to him?? Hilarious 🤣

Did he have to take your son skiing as son could not ski alone and therefore man had to forgo his normal skiing day to babysit the 17 year old as mum now can't ski.

Therefore buying a few drinks is compensating chap for the baby sitting (I know he is 17)

I'd say he's worse than tight. What do you know of his financial background? He seems to be getting what he can out of you and it wouldn't surprise me if some of the money you paid his friend for the hol was covering him.
It is a risk going on holiday with someone who you've only known months, I had an awful one with someone after 7 months (never again.)I'd say give it a year for a holiday with someone, you think you know someone but they can surprise you when you see what they are like day to day.

Yes absolutely this. Entirely my thoughts. The money thing isn't the only issue here.

I'm afraid there isn't much to be confused about. He paid for his drinks with your money, and used your son to do it. Despite getting his own holiday free he hasn't offered to treat you to anything.
He's stingy and deceitful. That's his "values".

the son is 17, not 7. op, dump him, he's stingy and that's not attractive

Ya, I can't get past this either, even if the son is 17. The BFs transactional approach to money is off, but the fact OP and her son are on holidays with him is way more off.

It sounds almost like he was bragging about the fact he got your son to pay for his drinks and hasn't offered to reciprocate.

You're right, it's not about the cost. It's the principle.

I think the word you're looking for OP is "freeloader".

The first reply nailed it - "be careful with this one".