What’s it like being a single mum?

[Mothersmith89]

I’m currently married with one 6 year old. I haven’t been overly happy for years now but I’m also not unhappy. My marriage is fine, we are friends. We don’t argue. But is there
more to life? How hard is it being a single mum? What sort of costs would I be facing?

Is it better to stay married, comfortable and ‘not happy but not unhappy’ or leave and see what else is out there?

I feel so confused, I’d love some opinions

If you split up will you be a single parent or a co-patent? There’s a big difference between having your child completely on your own 24/7 and having them every other week or 4 nights a week etc
If you split would your husband have the child some of the time?

Agree with OP. I have my children 24/7 and it means unless you have excellent support, you're tied to your kids and it's difficult to move your own life on. If you have a good co parent that's having them overnight regularly I'd say your quality of your own personal life could improve dramatically. Also depends on your income how you'd be, and if you get CMS etc. It's no financial picnic doing it alone but I'm a lot happier for it!

I've been a single mum for around a year, it's been ok. My ex never particularly joined in with family life, so it might be a bigger change if your husband does.
I don't regret my decision for a minute. But it is tough. I work full time. I am responsible for my mortgage, all bills, food etc. I don't get any benefits apart from child benefit. I think the knowledge that my ex would get paid and I would have that money should I need it was helpful when we were together, obviously he pays some money but it's a fraction of having someone to split all bills, ask for extra, have him pay for something if I was skint.
I don't really get lonely in the week as I work until 5, then I pick my kids up. On weekends I have them one day, my ex has them the other. I really struggled with my child free day at first. I had forgotten who I was before them. But then I found my own routine. I stopped just staying in cleaning each Sunday.
The hard bits are having to take your kids everywhere, if you don't have milk, you all have to leave the house to go get it. Also it's all on you, all homework, every school pick up, school drop off (in my case), all the housework, all the DIY, every room you paint, every financial decision.
Being sick sucks.
It can be exhausting. I'm not good at routine, I find my own chaos frustrating.But you might be better at that.
However, I don't let anything stop me. We go abroad just the three of us, I drive everywhere, I can hold my own in conflict. I love pushing the limits of what I can do as a single mum. I think my friends who struggle more with single mum life tend to not drive and have less money coming in, which is a shame and I'm very aware of my privilege in that respect. My mortgage is only £450 and that's the only way I can afford to live.

My life is so much happier now but of course it depends on you and your partner. I still have all of the mental load and kid admin as exH doesn't step up to any of that, but I don't have another adult acting like a child, creating mess and never seeing it, weaponised incompetence over every little house task and his unpredictable moods draining me. It was horrible but mostly bearable as I'd become used to it, and although I'd wanted to split for years, I waited til the dc were old enough to advocate for themselves. I knew exH wouldn't be able to cope with them as toddlers and also knew he'd want regular contact and couldn't trust him with their care on his own with them as he really didn't know them very well at all as he'd constantly opted out of family life since they were born.

My kids do see their dad regularly, so I get a night to myself most weeks or at least every fortnight. So I see myself as being a single parent but also have a co-parent to give me a break, which I know is a lot more than most lone parents get. He'll physically have them however, but usually just gets them after tea time, they spend the night, then are dropped off before tea time the following day. So he won't for example plan their meals or wash their clothes, doesn't give them a bath, help with appointments or parents evenings etc. literally just lets them game for an hour, then puts them to bed then brings them back, but at least I get a bit of time to just be 'me' instead of 'mum'.

One of my DC is disabled so I get a top up of that element on UC plus his DLA, and I manage to work a min wage pt job around all his appointments and limited school hours, plus their dad is decent with maintenance as he'd rather pay than do much actual parenting. Financially I'm better off single than when exH controlled everything and I had to ask for 'spending money' to get my hair cut or whatever. Check entitledto to see how you'd manage as a single mum. I always thought I'd have to stay with him because I couldn't manage on my own, I wasn't really aware of benefits I might be entitled to. Once I saw what I could claim it gave me the confidence and final push to leave. I was basically doing everything as a single parent for years and had emotionally and physically separated from exH anyway, so it was just finances holding me back. If your partner is more of an equal, present dad then it may be harder to walk away from that.

I do agree as well that my quality of life is better due to having a day to myself. I used to take the kids out every Sunday on my own and come back to my ex who'd sat on the sofa all day. So then I'd finish my weekend resentful and exhausted.
Now I spend my Sunday with family or friends, I can find time for my creative pursuits, I can stay in bed all day if I need to!

It sounds a bit sad. Is there nothing you can do to improve your relationship? Friends is a good start. If you do split, and you can stay friends and coparent well, it'll be ok but it is hard on your own.

It's not a straightforward comparison as lots of single parents have big differences which impacts quality of life. E.g. family support nearby, how much you earn etc. I don't know anyone who is a lone parent who had an ok relationship but not a great one. All the women were going through some sort of abuse. So compared to sticking with that then it's infinitely better.

But being unhappy is a fair enough reason to want out if you can't fix it.

That's like asking "what's it like being a mum?" It's different for everyone.

It depends how much money you have, how supportive your friends/family/ex would be, how easy your child is, what other commitments you have.

I have been single since before ds was born. No contact from his father and very little family support. DS is 19 now and away at uni. The past 19 years have been mostly good. We've muddled through the occasional difficult times. I'm generally pretty happy with the way things have turned out.

Money has been my biggest issue, and, when ds was small, managing to get time for myself.

It's going to be different for everyone I agree. For me I'm lucky as money is ok.
I am much closer with my kids now and I absolutely love the autonomy that I have. Nobody petty criticism or accusations of having PMT. No belittling and no patronizing.
Downsides are missing my kids on his weekends and being single now for the duration. Dating in your late 40s is a complete non starter if you're looking for men.

I find being a single Mum absolutely fine - I have no family left to help support, only friends are hundreds of miles away and ex is very minimal contact with children but we are a close and loving family of our own and what’s most important - we are content, our home is peaceful and always our safe haven.
Life is so damn short you know.

All pps seem spot on. I’m a lone mum of 2 and it is hard, but better than before. I’ve got no support and only an average salary, and I’m still trying to balance the books. Ex just went. But I have risen to the challenge and we’ve had so many adventures and lots of fun and also real peace at home, which we didn’t have before.

What I would try to do is subtly rebalance things now to plan for your departure. Think about how you’d live and see if you could move money about in order to make this possible. Is there a trip you need to do for work? Do it now while he’s there to pick up the slack. And so on. Plan for it and manifest it, because if you are truly unhappy there will come a tipping point and then you will leave in chaos, like I did.

Being a single mum feels like living honestly but simply. Love is real and clear and you are yourself. Albeit a pushed and challenged version.

I can only comment from a widows point of view so obviously their father is no longer around at all. It is very hard at times as everything is on me, particularly when big parenting decisions have to be made. That being said we have a very tight family unit which I love. I would say to not let fear of being a single parent put you off what you feel is right for you.

I wouldn’t rush to leave in your circumstances. Can you give examples of what’s bothering you? Have you had talking therapy to get to the bottom of things?
I’ve been a single parent for two years. DD is 10 now. She’s with me 80% of the time. It’s what works in our circumstances (he moved to the other side of the city, she goes to school round the corner from my house, he starts work early so overnights in the week would be impractical). That’s my preference anyway. I left because XH was emotionally abusive and I concluded I was better off alone.
The divorce was tough. Financially I took a bit hit - we had a decent joint income and an inheritance from my relative so we were comfortable. Now I have no buffer, no savings. I survive but it’s tight. That’s been a HUGE adjustment. Also it’s hard when DD goes away with XH, I do miss her.
Pros are that DD is much happier and her behaviour/relationship with me reflects that. It’s just easier. She helps round the house. We are very close. I do like my alternate weekends to myself but she dislikes going to her Dad’s so I have the guilt of that. I met someone else last year, we have a lovely, relaxed relationship meeting EOW. Sometimes we see each other the other weekends with the kids.
On balance, it was worth it not to be trapped with my abuser any more and to minimise his contact with DD. But it was a big price to pay and I wouldn’t encourage you rush into it unless you’re absolutely certain it’s what you want.

I'm a coparent 50 50. Have two DC around the age of yours. Honestly, the weeks with them can be tough but for me parenting them in a happy home is much easier than parenting in a toxic home. And then I have a whole week to socialise, exercise and be happy focusing on myself (but the grief of missing them does hang like a shadow over these weeks sometimes).

But in your circumstances, where things are OK but the relationship isn't what you'd choose if you didn't have a child? I wouldn't leave personally. Money will be a big factor too.

Have you tried to re-ignite your relationship? I know a lot of people on MN think that once a relationship gets to this point it can't recover, but I disagree. I went through a "maybe I'd be better off single" period when my DC were little and DH and I were both tired and snappy and not spending enough quality time together. Now the DC are older we have a really strong relationship. I look back and can't believe I felt that way! Did you have a good relationship pre-DC?

I'm a single parent with no support. So it's tiring and expensive and demanding and on the days I have absolutely nothing to give, I still have to find it.
It's also amazing and beautiful and we are so close.
Just like anything there's good bits and hard bits.

For me being a single mum is better than be in the relationship I was. I still do it all but I only have to do it for my DD and myself.

Plus I don't have to deal with his bullshit any longer and the days are peaceful and nicer now.

When I became a single mum it was great. Being solely responsible for finances was easier than living with someone who couldn't manage money. I had a break from being mum whilst the Dc went to my ex which I didn't get when we were together. Less housework, less washing, no negatives at all.

However, it doesn't sound like your current situation is similar. If you are genuinely still friends, with mutual affection and respect I would seriously consider if it could be saved. There really isn't a huge pool of great men who will make you happier than you have ever been. Most single men are single because they really aren't worth bothering with.

If your relationship is causing you to believe you would be happier alone then absolutely finish it but don't do it thinking something or someone exciting and perfect is just around the corner as that is unlikely to be the case.

I would be co-parenting and that is a very good point!

We have/had a good relationship in terms of we get in but we don’t have sex (maybe once every 6 weeks)

I raised my son alone from day one and went through pregnancy alone.
No help whatsoever no CM i didnt want it no break until he went to school.
I loved it i stayed single he`s 19 now.

I completely understand not wanting a celibate marriage, if you need permission to feel that this is enough reason to leave, then I'm giving you that permission.
However, will you get regular, good sex as a single parent? It's the unknown. It's not easy out there. OLD does not appeal to me, it's like a meat market and so many people don't even want to meet, they just want to chat which I find tiresome. Plus the time see anyone. For me it would be like every third Thursday that I could see them, which just won't happen.

Yep. I didn't want sex with exh because he was horrible. But I've not had much since and it's been ten years. One lovely brief relationship, that's all. Reckon it equates to about once a year since I've been single but was all in one lovely spell in 2019 😭🙈

I wonder if I will ever have sex again actually. I'm fifty. Online dating is just awful. I'm ok with it but also bit sad. Wish I could have had a good marriage and long relationship. I would have liked a true life partner.

It would very much depend on how you split custody. I have a 50/50 informal arrangement with my ExH, so that's very different to a single mum who has her kids 24/7. I hated it at first when dd went to her dad's. Really missed her and felt quite lonely when she wasn't here. Now I embrace it a bit more. The pros are that I don't get burnt out because I get time to myself and time to do things I want to do. I also feel like the time we do spend together is better quality. For example, I only do the minimal basic housework on the days that I have her, then have a big blitz when she's not here. Cons are that finances are more of a struggle. I get by day-to-day, but since my savings were used up on the divorce, I don't have any emergency funds, which is stressful.

Why do you think the sex has dwindled? It was a contributory factor in my marriage. He rejected me so much I stopped trying..