What’s it like being a single mum?

[Mothersmith89]

I’m currently married with one 6 year old. I haven’t been overly happy for years now but I’m also not unhappy. My marriage is fine, we are friends. We don’t argue. But is there
more to life? How hard is it being a single mum? What sort of costs would I be facing?

Is it better to stay married, comfortable and ‘not happy but not unhappy’ or leave and see what else is out there?

I feel so confused, I’d love some opinions

Different for everyone; im a full time single mum as in my ex isnt involved and i have my children 24/7 i have no social life and have been single for years as no time to date again when you have them 24/7 i never get a break and have no family help. Thats different from someone whose ex sees the kids regularly and gets regular time off

This is true. I havent had sex in 7 almost 8 years as im never child free!

You'll have loads of people along soon asking you if you've tried new underwear. I'd really analyse why the sex has stopped. Does he give you the ick? Are you like a brother and sister now? Do you miss the thrill of someone else touching you? Because lingerie will never match that feeling of the butterflies, a new willy, different techniques, experiences etc. If you want that then the only way is to either break up and do that on your childfree days or have an open relationship.
Do you want casual sex or a new relationship?
I personally would never live with someone again. I would never be someone's wife again.

Sex is probably one of the only things I miss about my marriage that ended a year ago!

My own marriage was one of those where it was 'alright' but could have been better. It was hard to see it when I was in it, but actually the bad points were a lot worse than I realised. It's only now that I am out of it and on the other side that I see it for what it was. It is hard to know what to do for the best and sometimes you need to take a leap of faith to decide.

I know there are people on MN who say about working on a failing marriage, but I think what they don't often realise is that it takes two people working together to fix something. I tried for years to fix my marriage. With a DH who didn't even want to try. When he did eventually start trying at the very end, it felt like he was only doing it because I had given up. He expected congratulating for it. Knowing what I know now, a cynical part of me thinks he had his head turned and was making a list ditch attempt to clear his conscious before he jumped ship with another woman.

We have tried basically everything you say. Open, new toys, underwear and even sex therapy. I feel we are properly friend zoned.
at least in my part!

Being a single mum to a toddler is the hardest things I've done especially when ill.

I think you're past the hardest years with your child. You'd be fine - would you have kids 50/50? My friend loves this set up as she can go out and go on dates and exercise on her nights off but gets no maintenance so has to work full time to afford her home. Some families do one week on one off but that's too long a stretch.

I think you should go to counselling to work out if you're just bored or you could improve your current relationship or what

So I think what you want/need is passionate romance and more frequent sex?

So your options are

• trying to reignite this (sounds like you're running out of ideas though)
• asking to open up the relationship and have a lover on the side
• an affair (not moral)
• leave and start dating

So you have tried an open relationship but it didn’t work?

It seems like you're having a ' is the grass greener ?' moment.

To ask your question, I found life was better as a single mum than with my ex , as my ex didn't add anything to the relationship (in a nutshell) and I was happier.

Co- parenting might not be as you envisage if your dh doesn't see any issues in your relationship, he may be rather resentful .

I'm single and the kids' dad does nothing with them (his choice). It's tough in the sense that there was never that down time you'd have if there was a co-parent, and I always worked so I can't pretend it was always easy. But I can't say it was terrible either and lots of it was very good. My kids are now grown and we have a fantastic relationship, like a little team. I had/have good friends around me and I also enjoy my own company so I don't get lonely.
Money has sometimes being tight but the kids worked from secondary school age which meant they had their own money, and it's meant they've grown into responsible adults.
The break up was tough initially and obviously their dad dropping them for pastures new was a heck of a slap, but I don't think they'd choose another life now. We're all happy.

I was single with 3 young kids and it had it's hard moments but I just got on with it. It was fine. I like my own space but I felt isolated at times. I'm now married and have more kids and I'm the happiest I've ever been. I'd hate to go back to being on my own, but if it ever happened I'd find a way to cope and it was preferable being single to being with my ex, who was never around anyway.

I separated from my child’s father when I was 8 months pregnant so have never known any different. I have to say I loved it just being me and my child then getting my ‘days off’, I got to work and socialise on those days- It was great!

However, my ex has become quite difficult in last 18 months. I’ve had to quit my full time job in part because I couldn’t depend on him to take our child for his 2 days which caused me so much stress. I’ve got nothing in terms of informal childcare outside of him and it’s been a massive struggle to find a nursery place even for part of the week. I’ve recently had to arrange CMS collection too and whilst every little helps, it’s very little in my case.

BUT I was truly very unhappy when we were living together, ex did treat me like crap (still does but not to the same extent) and whilst I had it good initially after we separated, I’m still doing better (definitely emotionally) now even after the difficulties than when I was with him. My child is thriving and a very happy little cherub and that’s what it’s all about really.

In short: I can really only speak to my experience but, basically just to echo others, if you’ve got a good family support to help with childcare and give you a break and a supportive co-parenting relationship things can certainly be better, but if things breakdown between you and ex then it’s challenging.

I love being a single mum - two teenagers aged 14 and 15 ended thing with their dad in 2018. Been in a 3 year relationships since, which ended 2.5 years ago he was hands on with my children I was very upset when that ended. Been single ever since.

Love it to be honest, I work 4 days a week, i've had one week off with them this summer holiday and been away a few weekends with them. They know the rest of the holiday they can see their friends or keep themselves busy which they have done. They know when their going out curvew is, and they know I give them money when they go out, yet if they spend the budget I give them. They need to either call their dad for more, or go without until i give them the money the following week. My son is quite a spender my daughter always manages what she is given well. I support their love of football, they both play in teams and they both are a season holder for a local team.

They know they need to get their own breakfast and get organised themselves for school, I am not fussy with bed times during school holidays yet school times, they have to be up and out the door. Both are great with homework they have a good routine and do it without prompting.

They know I am there for them, they both find it easy to talk to me, about anything they want, and they also know I have rules, yet I am not a screamer or a shouter, as my mum was and I wanted to be the opposite as me and my sister grew up with anxiety as my own mum is very controlling, and I give my children a lot more free choice about their own life and choices. They chose their GCSE choices with what they felt they wanted and I just encouraged them to do what made them happy.

I am not perfect yet in my house we have a routine that works for us, and my daughter knows my sister is very bossy like my own mum was and she says all the time, I am glad you let us make our own choices. I obviously do the washing, a lot of the cooking. Yet I do things to make them learn life skills, like I never put their washing away, It goes all clean and tidy on a pile on their beds, and they need to organise it and put it in the right places. My son moves his right away, my daughter is more lazy yet I couldn't even fry and egg when i left my parents as my mum did everything. Where as I am trying to give my children a lot more life skills, if I am working later, my daughter will often start dinner and I finish it off and serve it, yet i buy gusto boxes so she only needs to follow the recipe instructions.

Love the fact my children aren't lazy, as I was the mum that took them to and from school for years, and I did do too much, yet as I took on more work hours, they have adapted and not resented me working more, as they know it means we have more money for travel or live gigs, I work 4 days a week and have weekends and one weekday off which is a thursday off, just so I can catch up with washing and chores and weekends we spend together as a family

Just to add you can get uc as a single mum which in my case covers the rent, I did own a house with my ex husband, yet it had to be sold as he was in lots of debt, and I also get a council tax deduction, its not much of a deduction in my case, as the level of help with it changes dependent on your income, yet everything helps. The goverment now have started free school meals from september for every child on uc regardless of their parents earnings, they just need to claim uc.

I work 28 hours a week, and I brought a newer car recently and can still afford trips, and I can't say I penny pinch, We went to France in May for a week, and were off to Spain next July, Think I feel better off financially then I did in my marriage and that was two of us working full time.

Yet I became a single mum as my ex wasn't reliable or very trustworthy now I only have to think of the children and myself and for me, its been ok. Yet if I do have trouble with the children, I do now call their dad and we discuss how to deal with it, yet we communicator better since we divorced, As we both just want them to be happy, he sees them twice a week, yet they live with me full time, as their dad is a workoholic trying to get himself out of huge debt, so financially he doesn't provide much in fact child maintenance he pays is just £89 a monthh for two children which barely covers a cost of nike trainers as our son is adult size 12 feet!