First Date - what to make of this

[Robinkitty]

I went on a first date, he’d been very keen texting me beforehand.

both turned up and it was really awkward like he wasn’t expecting to see me/didn’t like the way I looked maybe/ a bit shocked.

thought we were going for a quick drink but I ended up having 4, purely because he was taking so long to drink his and then he offered me the last one and I checked are you sure, you don’t need to get back? We were at the pub for 3 hours and I did have to say “right I need to head back now” I’d say a pleasant evening for two strangers - a bit awkward but not in a horrid way, surely that’s to be expected?

anyway I got back and he texted saying he had a nice evening.. and I text back saying yes it was lovely. He’s left my message on read and I’m guessing that’s the last I’ll hear from him::

it’s so disheartening, I don’t know how people can do this multiple times I really struggling to understand what I did wrong, what else I could have done.

Why do you think you’ve done something wrong?
Man that you felt zero spark for, felt zero spark for you.
That’s all it is.

Be stricter with yourself - if you plan to go for a quick drink, then do just that. At least then you haven’t wasted the evening.

Mentally re-set the “relationship” when you actually meet up. The texting before really doesn’t mean anything - how keen someone is texting doesn’t indicate much. I had such good text chat with one guy that I nearly cried with nerves getting ready as I so wanted it to go well! Got there, and was totally underwhelmed by him (and him me, I think).

You have to remember that it would be really odd to find that every date was successful! So expect the majority to fizzle out immediately or quickly.

Not sure it's a great idea to be drinking 4 drinks to his one, when he's a complete stranger. At best, you won't come across well, at worst you make yourself vulnerable. On 4 drinks you might not be drunk, depending on your tolerance, but you may be more likely to throw caution to the wind, and say or do things that you might later regret, and reveal far too much about yourself.

He texted you after a night out, you responded, and you are worrying because you haven't heard from him again. But it's not even 9am yet. Maybe he'll contact you again, maybe not. But you are sounding quite needy, and don't even mention whether you actually like this guy.
I'd say take a step back, and stay careful. Don't trust randoms and don't over-invest in texts.

The first meet up is about finding if are attracted to the person. Why are you bothered if you didn’t like him that much. A pleasant evening is a good way to spend Friday night, not a waste. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

As an aside, and without wishing to be judgemental, drinking 4 drinks to his one on a first date is a bit much. If I’m honest, I would be put off. You need to be careful about your safety, you didn’t know this guy, and he could have been trying to get you drunk for horrible reasons.

You seem concerned that he doesn’t like you but do you actually like him??

honestly when men aren’t super into me (not in a creepy way) and aren’t consistent or make an effort I just find it a turn off. Bring the power back to yourself and focus on what you want. He doesn’t sound like your dream guy OP. It was an average date. You will find someone better suited, and yes, be careful how much you drink! For safety if nothing else.

Thank you for the replies, I think I just needed to hear some common sense..
I really appreciate the words.

4 drinks is fine for me over the 3 hours, that’s not drunk for me and I like to have some alcohol when I’m child free so don’t regret the drinking, I do know my tolerance well.

Tbh him nursing one drink all night would be an ick for me. Even if he’s not a drinker, he could have a soft drink or a coffee. One drink would scream tightwad to me.

It’s normal to feel a bit awkward on a first date so ask yourself do you see yourself wanting to see him again? If not then just delete and forget. You’ve managed him so not ghosting.
If you like him there’s no harm dropping a ‘be nice to meet again’ message and leave it there.

Tbh him nursing one drink all night would be an ick for me

Yea, me too. Not that I prefer he downs one every half hour!

3 hours?! I'd have made my excuse to extricate myself after one.

Life's too short.

He was been polite but not keen. If he was interested you would know.

But there is sense is just having a quick one hour date to do a quick acid test to see if there is anything there. Your boy just seemed to be thinking be polite and don't upset her and dragged it out.

I don't think anything went wrong - you met to find out whether there was any spark. There wasn't. Everyone was civil, and now you move on, having practiced your first date skills a bit.

I agree with the person above who said it is a turn off if a guy just doesn't fancy you, and I'm sure the same applies from his point of view, so probably you both feel an element of both rejection and repulsion, but that doesn't mean it wasn't worth the effort to find out.

It was only a first date. He's not for you. Don't feel guilty about anything. There will be loads of first dates. For most men, they're like getting petrol.

That’s what I thought, he wasn’t initially attracted to me and was just making the most of being out in the evening. There was no chemistry just two pleasant people having a conversation.

im proud of myself for putting myself out there and not giving up trying to find the one and I proud of my conduct I did good and it’s absolutely fine that we were not matched.. I didn’t mind staying longer than an hour as I wasn’t in a rush to go anywhere else and I guess he just thought the same.

You’ve answered your own question - there just wasn’t the chemistry, that ‘spark’ needed to take things to a second date.
He was polite, and you had a pleasant but unremarkable evening. On to the next one, OP.

Think we’ve all had those dates where we’ve got on so well on message/phone that we were expecting a spark and there just wasn’t.

Thats why it’s best to meet up quickly rather than waste time messaging for weeks. If there’s no attraction, you just move on

Video dating is your friend here. I refuse to leave my sofa to put up with this shit.

80% of people say yup you look like your pics - I’m very honest, all pics taken within last year. Yet I still have that 20% who look like I’ve shat on the floor when I arrive & sulk through the meet up.

1st date - video date
2nd date - cafe, 1hr
3rd date - drink

yep I am single 😂 yep I’m jaded but also yep I don’t regret any ‘missed opportunities’

It's nice you had a good evening. Move on to the next. You're in control. Don't feel bad, ever. Sleep with them if you like. This is a bit dodgy as I say, not as I do, but we've had centuries of the hegemony shit. Just do what you're happy to do.

Ok, I'm confused here.

Were you attracted to him? Would YOU like to meet again?

I'm confused on who was paying for the drinks?

Was he just drinking slowly, but offering to buy you another drink every time you finished your glass?

Maybe he doesn't like his behaviour after he's had one, or really liked you and wanted to give a good impression by staying sober? I'm a heavier drinker than many men.

(I've been on dates with guys who do seem to like me but say due to work or whatever they are happy to get me what I want but want to stay sober rather than eat or drink loads to match me).

If he was getting the drinks and sort of "prolonging" the date this way, and you would be up for a 2nd, I'd message again for sure and say to let you know if he fancies meeting again as you'd definitely be up for it.

(Of course you might get a non-reply, or a dick photograph, or some other horror. But that's the joy of dating in 2024....)

I think you're going to need to strengthen those boundaries before you take the plunge again. As a veteran internet dater, I would have ended it far earlier; I would have sent a clear text that it wasn't going further (without any apology). In fact I may have left immediately given the difference between how he sounded in his texts and how he responded in person.

It's not that, it's that you weren't matching in the way you were drinking and I would be worried that he was holding back and letting you drink and drink and then something disastrous might happen.

He was driving so couldn’t drink, I came in a taxi.. I really didn’t get the impression that he was trying to get me drunk at all I think it was politeness, on both sides..
if I ever go on a date again though I will definitely hold back on the drinks and make it clear it will be a quick drink

So if you sense that someone doesn't fancy you from the off, politely stay for one, then on you go and text thanks for meeting but you don't think you'd gel.
Don't then send a gushy text saying it was lovely. You'll feel less rejected that way, as it then appears more mutual and you have taken control rather than desperately trying to convince him to give you a chance.

Did you meet him on OLD op? If so my first thought was that maybe you use too many filters on your pictures or use old pictures that are years old? Hence why he may have looked shocked/ not expecting to see you? The reason I say this is because so many men I have chatted to on OLD have complained about their previous dates not looking anything like their pictures ie, they used very old pictures on their profile and when they met in person were either a few years older/ few stone heavier than their pictures or they used filters in their pictures to the point they look nothing like that in real life?

Pictures were all recent, few pounds over Christmas but same dress size.. no filters although admittedly they were nice pictures not broad light of day

This honestly reminds me of a recent date, especially the nursing one drink for ages. His name didn't start with a G by any chance did it? 🤣

no not a G 😅 I did go on a date once with a guy who asked for a j20 which gave me the ick…

I take it you’ve heard nothing, OP?