First Date - what to make of this

[Robinkitty]

I went on a first date, he’d been very keen texting me beforehand.

both turned up and it was really awkward like he wasn’t expecting to see me/didn’t like the way I looked maybe/ a bit shocked.

thought we were going for a quick drink but I ended up having 4, purely because he was taking so long to drink his and then he offered me the last one and I checked are you sure, you don’t need to get back? We were at the pub for 3 hours and I did have to say “right I need to head back now” I’d say a pleasant evening for two strangers - a bit awkward but not in a horrid way, surely that’s to be expected?

anyway I got back and he texted saying he had a nice evening.. and I text back saying yes it was lovely. He’s left my message on read and I’m guessing that’s the last I’ll hear from him::

it’s so disheartening, I don’t know how people can do this multiple times I really struggling to understand what I did wrong, what else I could have done.

I don't think you've done anything wrong by the sounds of it OP, you didn't have a connection and that's fine. How long were you chatting before agreeing to a date?

4 drinks in 3 hours isn't excessive either, and if he was driving then that's fair enough on his part. For your next date, why not organise something shorter, 1 hour max like a coffee date? 3 hours is a long time to drag out if you both aren't feeling it!

If your photos are a true likeness then it shouldn't be a shock factor when you meet each other. I always think it's good to include a body shot and not just head shots

We were only chatting for a week before hand but he was very consistent in his messaging so the lack of contact after was very telling. I’ve blocked and deleted him, looking back he was quite condescending - asked me why I hadn’t done any travelling ( he was private school, wealthy family) I guess the fact I’m a single mum with a low income didn’t occur to him and he’d been all over the place with his kids.. couldn’t fathom that is not possible for most people. I like a man with intelligence but not when they make me feel inferior.
It’s so hard to meet someone who is the right fit isn’t it, I’m loosing hope.

If every date went swimmingly and people ended up with a match first time round it wouldn’t make love and finding “the one” the magical special thing it is.

it can be disheartening going on dates and not getting the outcome you want but it’s just the process you have to go through to learn what you want, what you like, what are things you aren’t willing to put up with and learning important lessons about how you should and shouldn’t be treated etc.

there will be dates that you go on and you’ll have a good time and think they’re perfectly nice however you might not want to see them again. That doesn’t mean you thought they were ugly, horrible or anything negative. They just weren’t the one and that’s ok and these are the thoughts people also may have about you on dates and that’s ok too. It’s nothing personal.

the way someone acts before/during/after a date can be a reflection of many things. Childhood trauma, past relationships, mental health, shyness etc it doesn’t have to be a reflection on you.

even if you leave a date feeling deflated try and pick something that you can learn from that date.

Thank you I do appreciate words of wisdom. The dating pool just seems to be pretty dire for me and it does make me miss my ex, everything was so easy with him

How many dates have you been on? Is there a pattern emerging or was this your very first date from online dating? If so don't let that put you off. Online dating can be successful , and yes there are a lot of strange characters on there but there are also some great people too.

My friends were all either married or in long term relationships, I'd been in a long term relationship and split up with my ex, and so I gave online dating I try as opportunties to meet people were few and far between.

My personal tips - don't rush into a date. Get a feel for someone by talking to them for a couple of weeks before going on the date (opposite advice to what someone else said above but it worked for me) I did this and ruled out the vast majority of people as after talking to them I just felt it wasn't quite right and didn't want to waste my time on a date.

I met my partner online, we spoke online for about a month before we committed to a date, maybe 3 times a week..I had a good feeling about him , he made me laugh so I agreed to a date. Still together 10 years later

Sounds like a routine OLD 1st date no chemistry thing.

After he texted you about having a nice evening, you could have replied, "Yes it was lovely and I enjoyed chatting with you, but I didn't feel any chemistry. Good luck on your search for the perfect one..." something like that.

You can clearly shut it down first. You don't need to wait and see what he does if you aren't interested in him.

I been on dates before my fair share really but I’ve always been met with “wow that was amazing, your so beautiful, let’s meet again” I guess this guy was my first blow off but maybe it’s because I’m getting stronger and more confident or I looked like shite, he thought I was stupid I don’t care honestly it’s all a lessons learnt..

I did meet the man of my dreams over Christmas, the physical connection was palpable he was literally everything I was looking for but he had his eyes over my shoulder and put me on the bench so I called it off with him::

I love this. You've nailed the dating game.

The key is to enjoy it regardless of the outcome. Have fun, meet new people, know what you don't like more than what you do, and own your boundaries.

Sounds like you want him to want to see you again so you can be the one saying no…

I actually don’t think it was as negative as you did. He may have been really nervous and naturally awkward around ppl he likes or just strangers. The fact he stayed for 3 hours is telling - he could have easily left if he didn’t like being with you. Also that he text you later that evening to say he enjoyed it. If he didn’t like not he wouldn’t have. Him not messaging back your message seems a bit immature to get upset about, he probably felt he didn’t need to, and why should he? Because he’s the man?

From what you’ve said in your later posts about previous men saying ‘wow’ etc it sounds like you were disappointed at his initial reaction and you’ve admitted he made you feel a bit inadequate, physically and intellectually. This has affected how you are attracted to him. I don’t know why you were concerned about what you did wrong as it doesn’t sound like he disliked you, more the other way around.

Guys will often flatter women to try and get them into bed.
Now the fashion seems the opposite, men are advised online to act disinterested towards women they want to shag and then apparently we will chase them.

Only think about how they make you feel, words are very cheap at this stage.

I think if a man turns up to a date and has one drink you should match that energy, I get if you do t get out much you might have wanted to make a night of it, but he obviously didn't if he drove there?

I'm not sure what the point of your post is @Robinkitty ?? You don't sound like you even like him? Yet you're bothered about whether he likes you?

I think you feel a bit put out that he wasn't wowed by you OP, especially if you've previously had men declaring that you're beautiful and are keen to see you again. Also you knew he was driving so could only have one drink so a coffee date would've been better.
This sounds like a typical lack of chemistry on both sides so don't take it personally, you wouldn't have wanted to see him again anyway.

First dates are excruciating sometimes especially when you've been texting a lot beforehand. It's like a kind of interview or inspection and it's not always easy.

Texts are really deceptive. They're not an indication that conversation will flow and that you will click.

I have had one date where we texted a lot beforehand - schedules meant we could not meet for a ten days - and it got very flirty.

When we finally met it was awful. Stilted and awkward. I can chat shit to anyone but with this bloke, I was just unable to. I still cringe when I think about it.

Then I really really missed our texting relationship! But I didn't text him again.

I think the answer is not to text very much at all beforehand. Also to not put any expectations on the first few dates. Tricky but that's the only way you'll survive healthily.

And yes, well done for putting yourself out there!!!

@Robinkitty can I ask how long it's been since he read the message? From a man's point of view everything until then seems like he's very keen. Nothing you've said or done says otherwise. He may be told by a mate to wait to see if you reply again asking if he'd like to meet you again. Please don't be disheartened, you haven't done anything at all.

@Robinkitty I've just seen your comment on being a single Mum with a low income. If he judges you on that then don't waste another minute thinking about him. Some of the strongest people I know are single Mum's on lower incomes so he'll be the one missing out, not you.

@BlastedPimples

I had one once where we chatted for hours on the phone every night and couldn’t wait to meet. The minute he walked in the bar my heart sank. The conversation was like pulling teeth and the final straw was when the barman bought the bill over he sat with his hands in his pickers and waited for me to pay without saying a word

It's all about feeling whether you are compatible on a first date. If you like to have 4 drinks fine but if he likes one drink and drives to a venue he might feel your personalities are a bit mismatched. Personally I always have something to go to after a date and I let the person know in advance or I arrange it during the working day.

You don’t do 3 hour first dates. 2 hours tops if you’re eating as well. For a drink it’s an hour and get out of there. You’ll both know within half an hour if you’d like a second date possibly sooner. Before I met DH I used to stack dates to save all the getting ready. So I’d have a first date night on say a Friday and would meet one at 6 and one at 8. It’s a numbers game, don’t get too invested, don’t drink much and leave them wanting more. No long messaging conversations, prioritise ones asking to meet rather than the ones who just want to chat and keep setting dates up. You’re less likely to overthink if you know you’ve got more dates lined up.

I never do evening dates or food as a first date. Always an afternoon meet at a cafe/bar type place and I always drive. I never set a time limit though. If it goes well or badly sets the tone for the length of the date.

Shortest was about 40 minutes and it was painful, longest was 6 hours and we could have gone on longer if we didn’t both need to get home as we both had work in the morning.

That may be how you do things but not necessarily so for other people. My first date was 5 hours long as we went for a walk and food. Didn’t do any harm as we are still together 2 years later. I’m not the sort of person to play numbers games and emotionally and mentally I am unable to deal with chatting to multiple men at the same time let alone meet up with one man and then another man 2 hours later. That is too much for my brain to handle in one evening. If it didnt work out for me on the first date then I give my reasons and then look for someone else.

I am aware that a lot of men do play numbers games and will do exactly how you have just described, however I’m just unable to function in that way. Different people prefer different methods of dating. There is no right or wrong.