Is it bad DH and I aren't that sociable?

[abblesandbears]

I don't mean we don't have friends, because we have a few good friends that we see a 3/4 times a year, but that's about it.
And we aren't that sociable in terms of our families either. We tend to enjoy the weekends spent just us and the kids.
We don't really enjoy family get togethers. And we usually try to limit seeing our siblings/nieces/nephews to birthdays/christmas.

Reading that back it sounds awful, but I guess we just don't really enjoy socialising with people that much! And then we end up feeling pressure from people to meet up when we're saying to each other "didn't we see them only 3 weeks ago!?"

Anyone else a bit like this?

Same. The only people I trust are my family so I’m lucky but I’m not interested in others x

You can always make new friends as you get older.

When my kids were younger and I was working I had very little spare time. We did socialise but not much because we were busy!

Now my kids are at uni, I have much more time and have rejoined a band, taken up wild swimming, joined a gym and made new friends.

My parents- well more my mum - were like this. We saw relatives a few times a year, but it was extremely rare for anyone else to visit although she had a friend she’d see maybe once a year. My mum called neighbours her friends, but I don’t think they were really. Chats by the front door was about it. And when my parents moved, that all ended.
looking back it was a bit isolating. My brother and I have actively chosen to be more sociable.

DH and I are exactly the same. We have some good friends and socialise a little but the rest of the time we lead a small, contented life doing as we please. Home, nature, peace, the garden - these things make us happy. We both find people 'disruptive'.

At least you're both on the same page and compatible! The only thing I'd worry about is kids missing out socialising with other families as they grow up.

For sure not, but you will have to accept the fact that you or your husband will inevitably be alone one day. And lonely. In all likelihood your kids will not be visiting as they will be like you and just want to spend time with their own families then.

i see it with my in-laws and it is sad.

All that said, I don’t spend time with many people but I am aware that this has long-term repercussions so I want to change it.

The missing out on socialising but also just experiencing people other than family, visiting. That was my experience.

Be aware that not all kids have instinctive social skills, especially outside of their peer group. My parents rarely socialised while I was growing up and so didn't realise how much I was struggling in this area until I was late teens.

I suspect me and DH could be quite happy this way but I don't want to repeat this same mistake with my own children.

I'd be a bit worried that you might be unconsciously restricting your children by not modelling friendships and social behaviour. "My little family" is a bit of a red flag, IMHO.

Honestly as someone who is facing this with my own parents, yes, I think you should. It's a high burden on your kids otherwise. As you work to save for retirement so you should invest in friendships.

Mmm I find I can be a bit the same but when I exert myself to make and effort and meet other people I always enjoy it. Also we saw our cousins very often as kids and they are more like siblings even today which I really value.
Finally I think that isolating yourselves can often mean 'isolating' your kids as well which can hurt them down the track particularly when it comes to things like play dates or meet ups at the park etc.
each to their own ultimately .

This is true. My parents are both withdrawn, timid people who have no real friends, seldom see anyone other than one another, and gave me some deeply odd scripts about friendships as a child. I had to figure out how to get and maintain healthy, enjoyable friendships myself in young adulthood, as did all my siblings. It was a very unhealthy way to grow up.

We are the same, OP and are neurodiverse.
for those saying that it is harming children, how? By living your life authentically and by being your true self and by being happy is going to hardly damage your child.
Sure we might have more socially wired children, but they get opportunities and can further develop that as they get older.

This.
OP, what you've posted is my natural inclination, but I don't think it's healthy. So I make the effort to have a life outside of my marriage/family.
It's difficult, partly because, as you said, so many people have agendas/insecurity etc. But it doesn't HAVE TO be a massive get together, wild party all the time.
meet a friend for coffee, take your kids for a playdate.
You seem to be talking about massive social gatherings. And hanging out with family (I wouldn't like that either, DH siblings and their kids are not the most pleasant people).

But nothing stopping you from making your own way of socialising. I enjoy it now, done my way with people who suit. Well we suit each other.

Also, I don't want to sound morbid, and I suppose if you don't see it. You don't. But a lot of things can happen that make you grateful to have other people to lean on and help. It's not just about being elderly and lonely. If everyone around you is a deceptive schemer fine but to lock yourselves away and not even try is just denying yourself the chance.

We are social animals after all and I mean. SO are you. That's why you're posting on MN!

Also I'm sure someone will be along to talk about neurodiversity in a minute both DH and I are ND.

I agree with PP about restricting children's friendships. I'm middle aged now and still don't really understand how adult friendships work. When I left education and entered the real world the only thing I had to go on was TV and I'm sure you can all imagine how useful that was.

The other thing was that my parents seemed to expect me to grow up unselfish, caring and community minded but again without modelling these things.

Yes I think it's because you're both introverted, and I think people turn more introverted as they get older.

You are emotionally satisfied as you are. There's nothing wrong with that, but it does make you vulnerable. If one day your marriage ended, you would probably benefits from a close friend or two to help you through that.

You both sound happy with the current arrangements. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I'm another one who groans with dismay at the prospect of big get-togethers. I'm just not a party animal, and I find socialising a complete drag.

Bingo!
OP has stated that she spends weekends 'with the family unit' so that means her kids are just sat at home too.
Of course, whether this is a problem depends on their ages, I don't expect a baby and two year old to be out and about but surely they have playdates and things when older? Also it depends on what they do rest of the week,

I'm ND too, It doesn't automatically mean 'hate socialising'. But building relationships outside your comfort zone is a useful skill and can be a source of comfort again, provided it's with the right people. OP's issue sounds that she doesn't even like her supposed friends/family. But feels forced.

As I stated, I found the way that works for me. and there are degrees, and maybe you hate with a flaming passion all other people outside your OH and kids and that's OK.

But you never know what you need until the time comes. And life changes in the blink of an eye. What you thought would last for a long long time is then gone. Especially as people are living longer and longer job losses, serious illness, etc etc if you have not experienced those you are lucky but in tough times you realise that a sounding board outside our marriage fills your cup so you can support each other. I don't deny that many people are twats and take, but don't give. However IMO the effort when you find the gems is worth it.

It's not bad at all, and most of us are pretty similar. But I think you do need a few good friends, and also activities that you each do on your own. One day, your kids will have left home and it's not healthy to rely entirely on a spouse for company. The sole surviving spouse is then left high and dry in later life.

Just wanted to add -

I think it's fine for you as a couple and individuals, but as parents, there might be a cost to your children if you aren't more involved, present or sociable with other people in their community.

I was ostracised and bullied at school, and one of the reasons I believe is because my mum had no friends, and still has no interest in making any. It wasn't like the other mums were exactly lovely, but it set her apart, made them think their kids didn't have to make any effort with me. This, with other factors eventually led to me being deliberately frozen out by other kids and being bullied.

Another struggle is that although I was never made to feel like I was a best friend to my mum, I believe that her her emotional expectations of me have been higher than if she had friends. Even though we do share some interests, she has sulked in the past because I haven't shown an interest in the exact thing she's interested in. She takes is a personal insult and this is usually followed by a nasty, snide remark at me as punishment.

It's part of a wider set of traits that has strained our relationship, but one of the reasons behind that behaviour, is that she doesn't have any friends. She has no one else to talks about or share certain things with....but she doesn't want to make any friends either - she wants me alone to fulfil that role for her.

My mum has suffered from mild paranoia all her life and avoided making friends as a result. Like the above poster, I think that had something of an effect on me as a child. But then again, if she'd forced herself to make more friends, that would have made her even more stressed than usual, which would not have been nice for us children either. Now that my stepdad has gone, she's started going out once a week to a social club. Shame she didn't do so before, or she'd already have had at least something of a support network.

I'm more sociable but tend to prefer organised events with groups rather than close individual friendships. I did a lot when the kids were smaller, and as those tailed off, my exh and I broke up. I had to put a lot of effort into going out and doing new activities or it would have been even grimmer than it was.
I think it was then that I started to realise what kind of people I properly like, and understand that I could actively seek that kind of person out by selecting the right hobbies, activities and jobs, and then asking the people I actually like if they want to meet up. Until then I was more passive. I'd absolutely count myself as introverted - I recover from social events by spending time alone - but I'd be lonely without any social life.

Wouldn’t be for me, and I consider myself to be an introvert.

I always roll my eyes when people on MN talk about their ‘little family unit’. Sounds so insular and stifling. You were once part of another family unit. Will your children distance themselves from you when they develop their own ‘little family units’?

Hope your children are given the opportunity to socialize outside the home if that’s their preference. It isn’t all about you and your husband and you should be mindful of not limiting your kids' lives.

Most of us realise our ‘authentic self’ is not always serving us. Most of us realise that to develop as people, or to achieve in life, we have to push ourselves out of our comfort zones.

What feels comfortable isn’t always what’s in our best interests. What seems to serve in the short term does not always in the long term.

It wouldn't be for me, but plenty of people are not sociable. What you say about your nieces and nephews feels sad though. My children are very close with their cousins and that's extremely valuable for them now; I know it will be when they are older too.

Just a warning op. We were like you @abblesandbears we just liked to be doing our thing together, happier staying in once DC got to teens and they sorted all the meetings with their own friends.
DH & I were happy not being very sociable, Covid & restrictions saw people bothering even less, so even those we saw infrequently previously drifted.

DH recently died. Now it’s just me, whilst DC are off out living their lives. Do make sure you keep up the effort to socialise.