Husband 5 hour commute

[northchesterforest]

My husband commutes 5 hours per day (2.5 hours each way) 3 days per week.
When he gets back at 9pm, we eat, watch tv and sleep. He doesn't have much capacity for anything else, such as discussing life admin or general things happening in our life. I do really feel for him. He has a mentally demanding job (I also work, work from home) which means that even on his work from home days, work is 100% his focus all day.
I support and understand him, but I also work and feel that because I have the benefits of not commuting our home responsibilities and the general mental load of life fall to me. I don't have massive concerns right now but we want to start a family soon - does anyone have experience of a similar set up? I love my husband but feel like work is taking over and I'm worried about how I'll cope once we have kids. He doesn't want to find another job as he is established and well paid. He switches between feeling good about work and feeling overwhelmed.

I would be trying share out the mental load now before any kids see how willing he is to share it. You are both home and not working the weekends right? Plus 2 days a week I presume he finishes a normal time let’s say 6pm. Thats 2 evenings he cooks, you do the 3 and weekends you take turns.

4 evenings is plenty for him to be doing own laundry and weekends any extra cleaning can both be split. If he manages this well then it’s a good sign that children will mean you do more but he will be pulling his weight. If he acts incapable of having clean laundry or claims he’s to tired to cook or pay a bill then you know where the future will lay.

Why don’t you live closer to his work?

I have a similar commute once a month and it wipes me out. I couldn’t cope with doing anything else in the evening. I can’t see it being a viable long term option.

This is not abnormal where we live, south coast commuting to London. Plenty do it, but it requires an organised household and not much family life. My oh does this, but he starts at 8am and finishes at three as agreed with his bosses he is out 5.30 to 5.30 but still gets an evening, can he change his hours?

My husband worked away from home all week for several years so I managed everything at home. It worked well for us as we are both pretty pragmatic.

Need some major context here - why is he commenting 5 hours???

I would move closer to his work if you are working from home.

As PP said, if he's travelling into London and it involves several modes of transport, it's not really uncommon. But if he's got an hour or more on the train, he gets a bit of downtime (assuming he's not working on the train). So he should be able to pick up housework when he's around.

Having worked in central London for many years it’s not that unusual for people to have long commutes as the salaries are much higher.

Ive worked with people who have commuted from Norwich, Coventry, Eastbourne, Bristol and the Isle Of White to make a few.

Unless he’s on £250k+ that’s an insane amount of commuting time.

Even then I wouldn’t want to do it for long. Is there no option to WFH for at least part of the week?

Well the obvious question, yes, is why aren't you living closer to his work? If you work from home presumably home can be anywhere. Move closer to his job and you'll be able to share life more easily.

I couldn’t live like that. If there are good reasons for him not changing job, then you need to look at moving.

If 3 days in a row can he

Tue go to work

Tue and wed night start near work

Thur come home after work

It's a lot of travelling

2.5 is a lot both ways

Similar situation for the past 15 or so years, but without much wfh plus DH doing lots of international travel pre-covid. Only 2hrs each way, and he does some work on train but out of house c5.15am to 7 or 8pm. He also stays over some nights. It’s the south east and not unusual. Once I picked him up from the station and scooped up 3 parents with kids in the same class as DC as well.

By the time we realised it was a long term thing kids were settled in lovely school, and we had a lot of friends locally so decided to stay here. We split things but I did a lot in the week. We discussed it and chose it. We had ltried both working part time but then we were both taken advantage of. I really appreciate all his hard work, have mostly worked part time and he supported me when I was mostly retraining. I think we make an equal but different contribution. it was hard at times but we just got on with it.

@Tuesdaysname yes but also how attached is he to the role? Why doesn't he have digs nearer? Any other options? If op can work from home why don't they move? Especially considering a family.

How long does he plan to do this? Is it financially worth it?

Does he work from home the other two days? If so, does he pull his weight around the house on those days?

If you can wfh full time, then relocate to nearer his work?

How did this come to be? Did he change jobs, did you move, has it always been this way?

Either:

He stays over for the 3 days at work
He gets another job
You all move nearer

But staying as you are is not working.

I did a 2 hr commute for a short while and honestly it was not worth it as I was basically comatose at home.
I now do 3 days 2hrs away but stay in an AirBnB. Have way more energy for home stuff at home.

Assuming you can be based anywhere the obvious answer is to move closer to his work if he’s adamant that he wants to continue

in the meantime would it be an idea for him to stay over once or twice a week? That would at least leave him less exhausted and more able to “engage” when he is at home. I couldn’t do 15 hours of commuting every week.

The luxury of thinking its as simple of just move or just get another job

My OH has a similar commute, it costs an arm and a leg and he isnt even on a good wage but unfortunately he is old, no qualifications, probably dyslexic so not great on adminy things so sticks to what he is good at, he likes what he does and is riding out until retirement some years hence.

We moved to afford somewhere to live and he applied for over 100 jobs, couldnt get anything at all.

This is all week as well, not just part of the week. It is what it is.

When I lived in London I didnt have much of a shorter commute before I had a car and had to travel of buses and trains anyway, its the way it is.

My husband works in Scotland and we are England. It's a 7 hour trip one way. He just sleeps at work.

Poor guy. Have you considered moving? Or him doing his three days on one block and staying in a hotel for two nights a week. Not ideal if you're planning a family but all the more reason to work out a plan now. I don't think kind of commute would be sustainable with small children and sleepless nights in the mix too.

That kind of commute is brutal. I did it for a couple of years and what suffered was my home life. I left the house at 5.30am and got home around 9pm (driving, no option for train etc). I was constantly knackered and irritable. I don’t have children but there is literally no way I could have managed it if I did. Two years was enough, even with the option to stay over near work. That still meant I wasn’t at home and my personal life was being ignored, plus, the company was utterly awful.
I left and set up my own business. I now have a cast iron rule that I won’t work anywhere more than 40 miles from home and my life has improved immeasurably. And it hasn’t affected my business.
I absolutely would not have children with a man with this kind of schedule, because it literally leaves room for nothing else.

My husband was often out of the house for 12 hours 5 days per week.

At times it was quite lonely as he would be really tired at the weekends too.
An au pair for after school until about 7 would have been very useful when the children were primary age.

That amount of commuting will mean he is fit for nothing tbh, even on the days he wfh he will still be in recovery mode.
i would not expect to share the household chores during the week if I was working from home and he was doing all this commuting. Long term though I’d be looking at him either changing jobs or moving much nearer his current job once I wanted to start a family.