Husband 5 hour commute

[northchesterforest]

My husband commutes 5 hours per day (2.5 hours each way) 3 days per week.
When he gets back at 9pm, we eat, watch tv and sleep. He doesn't have much capacity for anything else, such as discussing life admin or general things happening in our life. I do really feel for him. He has a mentally demanding job (I also work, work from home) which means that even on his work from home days, work is 100% his focus all day.
I support and understand him, but I also work and feel that because I have the benefits of not commuting our home responsibilities and the general mental load of life fall to me. I don't have massive concerns right now but we want to start a family soon - does anyone have experience of a similar set up? I love my husband but feel like work is taking over and I'm worried about how I'll cope once we have kids. He doesn't want to find another job as he is established and well paid. He switches between feeling good about work and feeling overwhelmed.

Surely he can chip in from the train? Do an online shop, get house insurance quotes, submit meter readings, research life stuff, contact tradespeople etc. If he's not pulling his weight now "because work" then that's not going to improve when you have kids and you'll feel increasingly resentful.

I'm sure the guy must be pooped, that is a lot of travelling.

You have to discuss this and make decisions for going forward. Yes, it makes sense for you to be picking up the load those days, you can't expect him to be putting in the same home admin as you on those days when he's not there for majority of it.

And he can't really make up for it the other days. He can do what needs doing on those days though

You need an open discussion. If you don't like how it's going, the obvious answer is to move closer to his work. Or he gets a job closer to home.

Thank you all for the advice. My fear is that a small issue now would blow up once kids are the scene and so I would prefer to think ahead! We used to live 45 mins from his work but moved 'back home' to be closer to family and upgrade our 1bed flat to a 4 bed family home. Husband prefers living here and says often he doesn't mind the commute. It's more that it bothers me but I feel like that's irrelevant as he is the one who has to do it

I know a few people in my workplace who do a commute like that and we are not in London. Sometimes we work in the evening and they drive home and back in the next day. Some people don’t seem to mind although I never could. I suppose it depends on how he copes with it.

How much housework and general admin stuff does he do on the other 4 days a week? How much did he do when he worked 45mins away?

Have you asked him how he would feel not seeing his child at all for 3 days in a row?

Whose family are you now closer to?

If you convert your DH’s hours spent driving into days, your DH is working an extra 2 days per week/8 days extra per month.

I think you need to consider this carefully and fairly, because it will have an impact, and you need to be realistic about your expectations.

Your DH is a higher earner and that frequently comes with a high degree of commitment and sacrifice.

a daily 5 hour commute is a killer. You need to find a way

I did a 5 hour daily commute for 14 months. It nearly broke me. I was fit for nothing in the evenings, had to nap at the weekends, was tearful, stressed and anxious. If my DH hadn't stepped up with 90% of domestic tasks, I would have crumbled. It's not sustainable. You need to move or he needs to relocate.

Accidental double post. Deleted.

Might be better if he stayed over near work for 1 or 2 nights. Then he can get away early to travel home.

Do you live in the countryside? How come his work is so far away?

For a job with regular attendance in the office, an hour is the most I would ever do, and I would prefer sub 30 minutes. Its not sustainable, seems like you need to move closer to his work.

Gg

Sorry odd typo.

Get him to use his commute effectively - so if he's on a train he can meal plan, online food shop, banking, bills, insurance etc - all the dull stuff

If he drives - then use the time to relax so that when he's home he's left work there

You'll have to find a way to manage and split it as evenly as possible -

Some decision has to be made. That commute just isn’t possible long term.

Share home admin... you will become default support person otherwise and it will leave you going backwards in your career when children arrive... look around.. most women didn't plan to end up part time with a stunted career.

I woukd suggest he stay.over too

It may seem irrelevant now but what is the plan when you have children? You will be the constant default for pick ups, sorting childcare, sickness, all the household on those days and doing your actual job. Have yous spoken about this? It's all well and good him saying he's going to continue but what if it doesn't work for you

I did it for six months 2.5h across London on the tube and honestly it was hell. Wiped me out for the whole of the evening. Barely saw the kids and definitely was not up to doing housework those days.

If he's on a train sat down for over an hour surely he can do a lot of home admin from there? Eg the online shop, meal planning, researching utility providers, writing thank you cards to people etc etc

Or does he just watch his iPad or email?

Once a week I commute 200 miles and leave at 4am and get home at 10pm. The rest of the week balances it out for us as a family.

if I were him, I would do one hotel stay over a week to give more time for work on those days. Or every third week do two night stays.

That is not a viable commute. It will be easier on you both if he stays over, you will have a DH who works away for three days a week. This will also be easier when you have a family. Might not seem it now but it will honestly be easier. So when he is home he really is home.