I think my husband raped me. What shall I do next?

[Hiyaitsme]

Okay. First post. Nervous as hell.

My husband, wonderful father to my children, 10 year marriage, is hard work.
He has lots of childhood trauma and has recently started to speak to a counsellor and seek help. But the last 10 years have been strained. So much anger, triggered very easily, easy to point the finger, obsessed with sex. I’ve lost my way. I’ve become defensive, avoidant, withdrawn. Until I rage at him when I can’t take anymore.

There is no emotional safety anymore despite us both working towards the same ideal. That’s what’s got us through - we want the same things, we are both trying (when not in survival mode).

Last week, I was extremely intoxicated and asleep. I woke up to him having sex with me. He did things to me which I would never consent to if I could. I lay still, I couldn’t believe it. He even got out his phone to take a look with his torch or maybe it was to take photos I’m not sure. He pulled my pjs back on and that was that.

I don’t know how to have this conversation with him. I don’t even know if he remembers as he was also very drunk. Please help me. Does anyone have any advice?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Go to the police. I’d bet money he took photos so is there any way you could get to his phone and send them to yourself as proof?

Oh that's really awful. I'm so sorry. Of course it's rape and I don't think you're safe living with him.

Could you contact Women's Aid and ask for help?

A wonderful father doesn't rape his children's mother.

You can't say someone's wonderful just because in a small part of their life they behave themselves.

You need to go to the police. This may not be the first time this has happened to you and he may be hiding a lot worse. They can take his phone and gather evidence.

you say he’s a wonderful father however your children will know and be feeling the effects of the toxic household they are living in. It is not too late for you to minimise that damage to try and save them not being messed up adults like your husband.

Contact a women’s charity after you have been to the police and get the wheels in motion to start your new life away from this man.

you do not want your children in 10/20 years time telling you how they wish you’d left sooner as they are now adults incapable of healthy relationships due to what they went through.

Op, please go to the police and get as far away from him as possible.

Also do not tell him you’re going to the police as this will give him time to destroy evidence. Keep your cards close to your chest and protect yourself and your children.

Please be careful OP x

I am so sorry this happened to you, it's not your fault. Contact Rape Crisis because you need and deserve good support with this, and they can help you.

He wasn't too drunk to undress you, rape you, take photos of and to put your clothes back on you afterwards to cover his tracks.

I'm so sorry.

He will do this again.

Please call women's aid you need to leave this man.

I am sorry this has happened to you. It is very serious.

@SKG231
Totally agree with your post,

Do not let your husband know that you will take this further to the police authorities as he will💯 per cent will destroy any evidence to save his own skin,

its envitable He will do this again if you stay with him..

THERE is absolutely NO backstory- whether hes wonderful or had a helluva life -drunk or sober.THAT EVER JUSTIFIES THIS. Yes,he raped you. Can you contact womans aid. Please. THIS is not a "conversation" you have with him.

The first chance you get, pick his phone up and walk out the house, calmly and normally. Head straight to the police station. He will have taken photos, he'll probably have porn history of fake rapes or sex with sleeping people. His phone will have evidence. Take it and walk out.

He is a monster. Im so sorry this happened to you. Take his phone and go to the police. And get yourself and your kids away from him as soon as you can.

@Hiyaitsme

He is not a good man or much of father just cause he is OK with his children and doing what he should be doing with his children.

You can do a lot better whithout him too..

Get as much help and support out there as possible practically and emotionally,

You are worth it 💯 per cent...

How exactly is he a wonderful father to his children if the mother of those children has to walk on eggshells around him 24/7 to stop him kicking off?

Don't inflict his childhood trauma on your own kids.

My exh raped me. Wish to God I had reported him.. It became the norm. Please op ring the police.

Police, police, police. Take his phone. There's evidence, they can help you. Your H is pond scum of the lowest order.

It doesn’t matter about his past

If he was physically able to rape you then he wasn't that drunk, he knew what he was doing. I would report it to the police.

There was a thread a couple of months ago by a woman who had been analy raped by her abusive husband. She reported him to police and he was made to leave the marital home and she filed for divorce via a Legal Aid solicitor

I think she got help from Women’s Aid and her legal costs were paid because of the abuse.

does anyone remember the thread? It was very long and detailed and I think it would be of real help to @Hiyaitsme

OP this is horrendous! I'm so sorry. You must be in shock. I discovered my exH was doing something awful I didn't know about either (involving me). PM me if you want to talk. I would try and get into his phone and check for evidence, take pictures if you can. Beware of sending yourself messages from his phone unless you can delete all trace of them.

Definitely speak to rape crisis too.

This. Do not alert him or he might hurt you further and get rid of evidence. Don't let him get away with rape. He is disgusting.

I think that's vile. What a perv. I couldn't stay with somebody who did that.