I think my husband raped me. What shall I do next?

[Hiyaitsme]

Okay. First post. Nervous as hell.

My husband, wonderful father to my children, 10 year marriage, is hard work.
He has lots of childhood trauma and has recently started to speak to a counsellor and seek help. But the last 10 years have been strained. So much anger, triggered very easily, easy to point the finger, obsessed with sex. I’ve lost my way. I’ve become defensive, avoidant, withdrawn. Until I rage at him when I can’t take anymore.

There is no emotional safety anymore despite us both working towards the same ideal. That’s what’s got us through - we want the same things, we are both trying (when not in survival mode).

Last week, I was extremely intoxicated and asleep. I woke up to him having sex with me. He did things to me which I would never consent to if I could. I lay still, I couldn’t believe it. He even got out his phone to take a look with his torch or maybe it was to take photos I’m not sure. He pulled my pjs back on and that was that.

I don’t know how to have this conversation with him. I don’t even know if he remembers as he was also very drunk. Please help me. Does anyone have any advice?

Ring the rape crisis or women's aid line first.
They will help you if you decide to go to the police.
None of this is your fault.

Are u ok I would be going to the police and leaving there Asap

I hope you're still reading @Hiyaitsme because there's a lot of good advice here. I know it's hard to see people talk about him this way but if you can step back and take a hard look at him it will serve you well. Yes, he's damaged by his childhood but he's damaged you, not just now, but throughout your marriage, he's affected your MH and you have no peace, worse still it must be bad for your DC to live in this atmosphere. He raped you and thought he'd get away with it because you were drunk - how can you go on sharing a bed with a man whose capable of that? Please get some help- the Police, womans aid, your family- but don't excuse his behaviour. For the record, lots of women in abusive relationships say he's a good DF because it's the only nice thing they can say about him

Firmly agree that you need to take his phone to the Police and report him. Take the kids to family, if you can.

Call Women's Aid for advice on getting him out of the house.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. He absolutely did rape you and you need to get away from him.

He’s not wonderful. He’s a rapist.

You can phone the police and report it. You can leave or ask him to leave. You can speak to Women’s Aid for help.

I am so sorry to read this. It was very hard to read actually because I could have written it.

I'm also married with children. Also with a husband with a shit childhood. Also quick to anger. Some excuse for It, always. I have also lost my way. For a long time I drank too much to cope with my feelings. Quite a few times, he raped me, too. Sometimes when I was intoxicated, sometimes when I was sleeping. I didn't even fully admit it to myself for a long time.

I then found out he did the same to his ex 10 years ago, and another.

I'm going to tell you something which helped me. It isn't his childhood or his emotions which are the problem. It's his male entitlement. The fact he feels he can act those feelings out at you to keep you down. I think that's why you've lost your way, because he's an abuser and that really messes with your head.

Another thing that helped me understand was Lundy Bancroft's 'why does he do that?' a huge eye opener for me.

You deserve so much better and you deserve to feel safe where you sleep. We both do.

I was on jury duty last summer for a man who used coercive control to anally rape his partner once in a 14 year relationship. He also abused there joint daughter and was jailed for 14 years probably will serve 7. It's not ok and you can prosecute.

You were raped. You did not consent. Unless of course you have had separate conversations about this being a fantasy you’d like to try but based on your post this doesn’t seem like something you have ever expressed an interest in.

get the evidence, go to the police. If you even bother to try to ask he will either deny it or shirk any accountability/ responsibility. He knows he did wrong and by you not raising it he will think it’s acceptable to continue. Please do the right thing and leave.

take the advice you’d give to your daughter in this situation

The problem is you can’t trust anything you eat or drink from him if he has got a taste for this vile behavior you can’t trust him not to drug you in the future.

This. He raped you. He knows he raped you and he doesn't care. Go to the police I beg you. How many times has he done things to you and you've not woken up I wonder

Go to the police. Now.