Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I made a mistake

46 replies

Helpme1992 · 16/02/2024 11:18

Me (f) and my partner (m) have been together for 5.5 years and lived together for 2.5 years. We are in our early 30s and no children.
The relationship has not been easy at many times due to his temper. The majority of people would have walked away much earlier on with what has happened. I’ve forgiven him for awful things.

Anyway we stuck it out. When we are good we are amazing.

Last year we had one of our big bust ups over him using my credit card which is in my name. He then kept leaving me on my own for weeks/weekends at a time to go on benders. I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. But he always came home eventually. This went on for months.

I was lonely and upset and wrongly I formed a friendship with another man. I dared to dream someone could be nice to me. With this other man we were friends, he was going through a tough time and I was helping him and vice versa. I went round to his house once and Anyway we ended up kissing as I was leaving. He wanted more and I said no. After that I didn’t see him again and I said to him we had to stop talking etc. however I greatly missed him as a friend and someone to talk too when I did stop talking to him. I was also confused if I did like him more.

All of this happened and went on whilst my partner was off leaving me alone. I lied to him about where I was or what I was doing and lied about speaking to another man.

After me and my partner spoke about our issues (I didn’t come clean) we agreed to give things a go which we had been doing.

For me to get my head straight I wrote down my feelings in my notes on my phone. My partner found these and has now left me. He has said I was having an affair and thinks I slept with this man and other men too. He knows I lent this other man money, bought him and his son a little present (£20) max. He knows from the notes I missed him after we stopped speaking and from notes my partner can see I was considering if I liked the other man and was going to end things with my partner.

My partner has moved out of our home.

I am utterly devastated and punishing myself for this. To the point I’ve had thoughts of harming myself.
I ended it with the other man and wanted to make our relationship work. But I know what I’ve done is wrong and it’s all my fault. I’m struggling living with myself over this

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/02/2024 11:28

The majority of people would have walked away much earlier on with what has happened. I’ve forgiven him for awful things

I think it would help to ask yourself why. Why have you forgiven him for things others wouldn't?

The relationship doesn't sound at all healthy, and it looks like your need for fulfilment has expressed itself unhealthily, because you won't allow it to be expressed healthily. The truth will always come out.

I was lonely and upset You are saying that you want this back, and you're sad that you lost it. Why?

GreyCarpet · 16/02/2024 11:28

Honestly, it sounds like he's done you a favour.

He left you alone to go on benders, stole money from you, has a temper.

You've forgiven him for awful things including things you admit other people wouldn't have forgiven.

You had an emotional (physical?) affair and considered leaving him for it.

This wasn't a relationship. It was a farce that went on for far too long.

Get some therapy to understand why you put up with it for so long and move on.

Seriously.

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 11:33

what a circus of shit this relationship is

SamW98 · 16/02/2024 11:34

So your partner lies and steals from you and treats you like shit and you forgive him? Then the first chance he gets to find a chink in your armour, he’s off like a shot?

I agree with PP I think you need therapy to understand why you were ok with being treated so badly and you want this appalling man back.

It also stood out that you say you lent this other man money - why?

Honestly you really need help to work on your self esteem and understand why you settle for such treatment from men.

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 11:36

and no children.

hallelujah

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 11:36

and even the new man sounds dodgy. You had to loan him money?

bloody hell Op.

olderbutwiser · 16/02/2024 11:38

him using my credit card which is in my name. He then kept leaving me on my own for weeks/weekends at a time to go on benders. I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing.

Thank goodness he has left.

Get some solo counselling (or therapy) to help you understand what a healthy relationship looks like, and why you think someone who steals from you, deserts you and his child, drinks to excess and probably sleeps around is all you deserve.

IggOrEgg · 16/02/2024 11:38

Sounds like he was glad of a reason to split up with you to be honest, as harsh as that sounds. I guess he didn’t want to be the bad guy but this just gave him the perfect reason. Of course, it should’ve been the other way around, you should’ve valued yourself enough to leave him but for whatever reason, that was obviously not the case.

bottomsup12 · 16/02/2024 11:39

You realise he was probably cheating on your during these mysterious benders?
Are you serious about this ? Be glad this idiot is out of your life have some love for yourself.

Imagine a friend had told you this about her partner wouldn't you be saying good riddance?

Mazuslongtoenail · 16/02/2024 11:39

Don’t be devastated. It’s an opportunity to move onto better things.

hellsBells246 · 16/02/2024 11:41

GreyCarpet · 16/02/2024 11:28

Honestly, it sounds like he's done you a favour.

He left you alone to go on benders, stole money from you, has a temper.

You've forgiven him for awful things including things you admit other people wouldn't have forgiven.

You had an emotional (physical?) affair and considered leaving him for it.

This wasn't a relationship. It was a farce that went on for far too long.

Get some therapy to understand why you put up with it for so long and move on.

Seriously.

Edited

This.

Why on EARTH do you want him back??

He sounds awful.

Seaoftroubles · 16/02/2024 11:50

As a pp said he has done you a favour. He sounded dreadful and treated you very badly.
The new man doesn't sound great either, especially if he was asking you for money. Little amounts can easily become larger amounts so do l'd be very wary there. Do not reconnect with him as you risk being taken advantage of, especially whilst you are low.
Please get counselling asap to help you work out why you have tolerated such poor behaviour and to help you work on your boundaries and self esteem.

Sausagesinthesky · 16/02/2024 11:56

You dodged a bullet. The notes saved you. Feel no guilt.

Epidote · 16/02/2024 12:07

He wasn't a good partner before you did what you did. You did what you did and it is very wrong. What are you feeling bad about? It is because you feel guilty of him leaving you? If that is the case the good news is you have dodge a bullet.

In my opinion that relationship was broken before you did what you did. No excuses and move on. At the end of the day he is doing you a favour.

Rania78 · 16/02/2024 12:43

Sounds like he has made you a favor. Get some counseling and move on. Seems to me you have trauma bond and some co-dependency issues.

EMUKE · 16/02/2024 12:50

Please remember you are exactly where you need to be. Do not punish yourself if you had carried on and then committed by marriage or kids that’s one thing… this has happened for a reason. You don’t know it now but it has. Sort of the property and finances and start again. You are young enough to have your ENTIRE future at your feet. You’re not rational at the moment but please walk away from the ex completely he had a golden ticket with you and still treated you poorly. Imagine if you got married and had kids you need him there and even when you didn’t have that he WASNT there!!! Write a journal and set a 5 year plan. Sending Love. PS he will try and come back. He will… don’t let him.

Summerhillsquare · 16/02/2024 12:51

You've had some awful luck with men here op. Wouldn't it be nice to be single? Pleasing only yourself, working on YOU, making new friends maybe.

Tangelablue · 16/02/2024 12:54

How often would he go through your phone? Change your locks if he still has a key. Make sure he can't worm his way back in. I agree with other posters, get some counselling to work out why you allow yourself to be treated so badly.
Don't be hard on yourself, this is the best possible outcome.

GreyCarpet · 16/02/2024 13:02

You realise he was probably cheating on your during these mysterious benders?

I suspect that is included in the stuff she forgave him for that no one else would

AdoraBell · 16/02/2024 13:09

I’m so glad you haven’t got children with him OP

As others have said he’s lied to you, treated you like crap and stolen from you. You are well rid of him, block him on all social media and phone.

Please get some therapy, Womens Aid have Freedom Programme.

You have done nothing wrong.

Ariela · 16/02/2024 14:38

I wrote down my feelings in my notes on my phone. My partner found these and has now left me.

So he searched through your phone...so he can now blame YOU for 'having an affair', when we all think HE was having his own actual full blown affair that conveniently he now has deflected from.

Lucky escape IMO

ohdamnitjanet · 16/02/2024 14:47

Thank God he’s saved you the bother of chucking him out. Now go and see the nice bloke. You did fuck all wrong.

TheNuttyNatterer · 16/02/2024 14:54

ohdamnitjanet · 16/02/2024 14:47

Thank God he’s saved you the bother of chucking him out. Now go and see the nice bloke. You did fuck all wrong.

I have to agree with this ^
The relationship with your partner was not good, he isn’t a good man. Stop punishing yourself.

Firstnews24 · 16/02/2024 15:04

the “nice bloke” who is already borrowing money from the OP 🤔

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/02/2024 15:04

That was the best day's work your ex-boyfriend ever did, getting away without you having to pack his bags. He was absolutely horrible and I am really glad he has gone and left you now to make your own decisions about what to do with your life.

I would be on the phone to the other guy ASAP.