I made a mistake

[Helpme1992]

Me (f) and my partner (m) have been together for 5.5 years and lived together for 2.5 years. We are in our early 30s and no children.
The relationship has not been easy at many times due to his temper. The majority of people would have walked away much earlier on with what has happened. I’ve forgiven him for awful things.

Anyway we stuck it out. When we are good we are amazing.

Last year we had one of our big bust ups over him using my credit card which is in my name. He then kept leaving me on my own for weeks/weekends at a time to go on benders. I didn’t know where he was or what he was doing. But he always came home eventually. This went on for months.

I was lonely and upset and wrongly I formed a friendship with another man. I dared to dream someone could be nice to me. With this other man we were friends, he was going through a tough time and I was helping him and vice versa. I went round to his house once and Anyway we ended up kissing as I was leaving. He wanted more and I said no. After that I didn’t see him again and I said to him we had to stop talking etc. however I greatly missed him as a friend and someone to talk too when I did stop talking to him. I was also confused if I did like him more.

All of this happened and went on whilst my partner was off leaving me alone. I lied to him about where I was or what I was doing and lied about speaking to another man.

After me and my partner spoke about our issues (I didn’t come clean) we agreed to give things a go which we had been doing.

For me to get my head straight I wrote down my feelings in my notes on my phone. My partner found these and has now left me. He has said I was having an affair and thinks I slept with this man and other men too. He knows I lent this other man money, bought him and his son a little present (£20) max. He knows from the notes I missed him after we stopped speaking and from notes my partner can see I was considering if I liked the other man and was going to end things with my partner.

My partner has moved out of our home.

I am utterly devastated and punishing myself for this. To the point I’ve had thoughts of harming myself.
I ended it with the other man and wanted to make our relationship work. But I know what I’ve done is wrong and it’s all my fault. I’m struggling living with myself over this

Sounds like you are well rid. These are not the only two men in the world. Maybe you could take some time to be single and work out what a healthy relationship looks like.

Be glad he has left. Honestly wtf is going on.

I would be on the phone to the other guy ASAP.

Presumably to ask for the money she lent him back

Count yourself lucky.

Like everyone, I think you should be very grateful that he has left you. However, there is a strong chance that he will be back. Do not under any circumstances take him back!!

To ensure that you won't, and to sort out your lacking self esteem, I really feel you need to invest in some solid counselling for yourself, so that you'll never, ever accept such abusive and demeaning behaviour again.

Plus acouple of good reads:

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
• Attachments

When one person is abusive and the other has cheated it's TIME TO BREAK UP
sorry for shouting but really. Come on.

There are billions of men on the planet. You do not need one who goes on benders or has an anger problem. He has done you a favour.

You really need to stay single for a while and get to know yourself.
Find out what you want in life.
Be your own best friend enjoy your own company.
When you're truely happy on your own you can move on better because you wont fall for the same shit all the time.

Do you really think your ex hasn't been doing worse on his benders? He will have been doing what he's accusing you of, because he has an expectation that everyone does as he does - makes him feel like hes less if a bad guy.
But the main problem in this situation is that you are clearly vulnerable and ripe for being taken advantage of which has been happening. Big alarm bell that you kept forgiving him, and I fear you are probably feeling desperate for him to forgive you now. I hope he doesn't as he's done you a favour. There's nothing good about standing by an abuser.
You should seek therapy while avoiding relationships until you learn what boundaries are and how to defend them. Neither man were good people- especially if the other guy didn't pay you back the money you 'leant him' - he was wrong to ask you for money.
If lonely, look to your female friends, take up healthy hobbies, fill your life with other things unrelated to men, because you are unsafe to be in a relationship at present, as proved by your inability to end one that is unhealthy.

You deserve better OP. Using ur credit card, disappearing and going on benders? Let him go. He is not a prize.

You have made a mistake, but not the one you're implying. You should have left a long time ago, just because he's the one who has done it now do not mistake this for the good thing that it is.

I don’t want to be rude. But neither man sounds good, why were you lending money to the other one?

for me this sounds like you have low self esteem and boundary issues, why do you put up with bad treatment and go back for more. This isn’t about him having boundaries and ending it. It’s about you having no boundaries.

Completely agree with @Lampslights - this:

“I don’t want to be rude. But neither man sounds good, why were you lending money to the other one?

for me this sounds like you have low self esteem and boundary issues, why do you put up with bad treatment and go back for more. This isn’t about him having boundaries and ending it. It’s about you having no boundaries.”

You sound very vulnerable. One of the reasons your hideous first relationship felt so good when things were going well was because it was so appallingly shitty when it was going badly. It was the contrast that made it amazing. The fact that for a brief window of time he was behaving properly and not treating you like shit. In a healthy relationship, the bumpy patches feel a bit “meh”; they’re not wretched and devastating. And the good times massively outweigh the bumpy patches and you feel contented and secure.

What did you learn about relationships growing up? Because you need to unlearn it fast otherwise you’re going to lurch from bastard to bastard. And abusers will be drawn to you because they can smell blood. For a start, lending money to a BF is not the norm.

As PP have suggested, read Women Who Love Too Much and try to get some therapy.

From what you have written, I think that this is your opportunity to get rid of this guy. He has a temper, he goes awol on massive benders.

Sweetheart, he has done you the best favour of your life by leaving. He is toxic and abusive and you have wasted long enough on him. Thank your lucky stars that you won't be wasting any more.

Unfortunately, you probably can't see this yet and I worry he will reel you back in after he has humiliated you for long enough. Please for your own sake get yourself some counselling to sort out your head and work out why you put up with this sorry specimen for so long. The often recommended Freedom Programme from Women's Aid would be a great start. Do this before you even think of getting into another relationship. That includes this new friend of yours. He isn't your saviour and could be even worse than your ex. On the other hand it might be worth giving it a go, but not until you have developed some more healthy boundaries through counselling.

Good luck

i suspect that this is a very vulnerable Op who will be taken advantage of again by men in the future

Thank goodness you kissed the other man. Now do some work on yourself and work out why you accept scraps.

Oh love, this is no way to live but this is a real opportunity for freedom and to eventually find real love.

Real love is not rough or rocky. You don’t have these soaring highs and scary lows. It’s consistency, it’s respect & knowing someone always have your back (&vice versa).

It’s out there for you but it’s not with your current partner.

THIS

Count yourself lucky. That is amazing news.

Your subconscious did you a favour writing it down OP. This bloke you've split up with wasn't the person for you. You've probably cried many tears over him. That isn't a healthy relationship.

Stop beating yourself up, it's done now.

Maybe stay single for a bit while you work on your self worth.

You've done nothing wrong. If you had shagged every guy you could get your hands on while he was off on these punishment benders, you would indeed have done nothing wrong.

The trouble is he will know this too in his nasty abusive little mind, so I suspect he is not really that angry, more his pride is hurt, and he will see this as another way to make you feel guilty and get you even more into his power. He will use it to justify untold forms of extreme abuse and control - also badmouth you to mutual friends etc .... I bet he will start replying to your messages within the next few days, and slowly he will start dangling the possibility of "forgiveness". But that forgiveness will have more strings than a string factory, of course.....

Darling, DON'T LET HIM. Take back the power. Tell him it's over, and to never come near you again. I know you love him. But the pain of that will pass. You will eventually meet someone who is a decent humans and forget all about this scummy piece of shit ....