How do you stop people treating you badly?

[BlastedPimples]

I hate being the victim. But I know everyone has experienced being treated badly.

My stbxh was a royal shit and most of the time, I didn't know. Adultery (lots), financially controlling, verbal abuse and eventually physical abuse.

Friends too have dropped me and ghosted me. I should have walked away long before. From all of the. But I didn't seem to register until it was too late.

Is there a formula I can apply in my fifties to stop if happening again? I don't want the distress or drama ever again but not do I want to live in a cave avoiding people.

I'm worried for my dd too in this respect.

I just think I am clueless at understanding why people think they can treat me like dirt.

Write a list of behaviour towards yourself that you don't want and vow to have zero tolerance. Refer back to the list as some people lose their objectivity in relationships, this might be what's happening. If you see it in black and white, on a list you made yourself before you knew the person and could be objective, it might help you to see things quicker and get out. Just a thought.

You don't have to understand why they do it, just that they do is enough.

A lot of toxic people are very good at hiding who they are, for a very short time. They rely on this honeymoon period (whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship doesn't matter) to form an attachment and then, once they know you feel a sense of loyalty, love or dependancy for them, they can let their guard down and show their true colours.

The trick is to love yourself more than you love the attachment you feel towards them. And to realise that they are showing you who they are.
When someone is kind to you 1 out of 10 interactions, it's foolish to think that you can convince them to be kind to you all the time if you just try hard enough, work hard enough, do all the things they want you to do, be perfect, ect.
They are unkind 9 out of 10 times, so odds are that they are an unkind person, and the kindness you get a glimpse of now and then is just a way for them to keep you hooked (because if they weren't kind at all, it would make it easier for you to leave them).

So believe people when they show you who they are.

I once had an ex-bf tell me that he was a deeply selfish person after a few months of dating. I laughed and pretended he was joking. We broke up years later because of what a selfish assh*le he was. I should have believed him.

What an excellent reply.

I just think I am clueless at understanding why people think they can treat me like dirt

Why do you want to understand anything about people who treat you like dirt? Do you think that if you understood them, you'd be able to change them? You are applying your efforts to the wrong target.

Nobody is going to change for you. If someone treats people like shit, and you stand in their path, you're the one who will get the shit.

It's you who needs to change. Shitty people can be as shitty as they want; they always have, they always will. This is about where you choose to put yourself. Having boundaries isn't about understanding people, it's about dismissing anybody from your life if they upset you. Obviously, all relationships have hiccups and misunderstandings, but

My stbxh was a royal shit and most of the time, I didn't know. Adultery (lots), financially controlling, verbal abuse and eventually physical abuse

It's very rare if there were no signs at all that anything was wrong, for an extended period of time. Much more likely that you didn't notice the signs, because you are used to suppressing your feelings, due to a childhood of endlessly being forced to do so. Could this be the case?

I used to be like this as a child and my twenties, possibly into my early 30s. Always seen as the weak one, always taken for a mug and always a push over eager to please everyone while dismissing my own feelings. I was always seen as the outsider in a group and was alway grateful when someone was nice to me or wanted to be my friend. I was constantly walked all over and treated like a doormat and was bullied and manipulated a lot too.

I think things changed as I got older and decided enough was enough and started to put my foot down. Bullies wouldn’t dare bully me now. As a pp said, it comes down to loving yourself and putting yourself first. It’s ok to be a little selfish sometimes. I don’t rely on other people to validate me anymore. You need to have a low tolerance for bullshit and cut people out of your life who don’t seem genuine or have wronged you in some way. I’m now a very good judge of character and know when I’m being bullshitted or manipulated.

@Watchkeys no. I want to know what it is about me that makes them think they can treat me like dirt.

To understand what they see in me that makes them realise they can do that. Not their motivations.

Their motivation is that they are nasty pieces of work. That bit isn't hard.

I am sure they don't treat everyone that way. They just recognise the weaklings. The stragglers in the herd and target them. I want to recognise them earlier for what they are and to understand what it is about me that makes them think they can get away with it.

@littlebopeepp234 what do you do to put your foot down? Walk away? Politely flag their poor behaviour to them?

The only way to get it to stop is to stop accepting it.
So that means if someone treats you like shit you tell them that's not ok and you won't tolerate it.
They'll either have a tantrum and the trash will take itself out or they'll modify their behaviour and you can choose to give them a second chance if you want to.

It's actually really simple. At some point in your relationship, the person has treated you in a mildly crappy way. They then judge how you react to that. If you didn't push back, if you took the blame, apologised to them for their own bad behaviour, then they kept you around and continued treating you badly, in some cases escalating the behaviour (as with your husband who went from verbal and financial abuse to physical abuse.)

These people try their behaviours on most people they meet. Most people, those with healthy self esteem, will not accept the behaviour. So the friend, or husband, either modifies their behaviour, or they simply walk away and look for a more compliant victim.

There's a book by Gavin de Becker, the Gift of Fear, which talks about this - I haven't got my copy to hand but I think it's called "compliance testing" or something similar. Basically they're looking for a victim, and up to now your responses have indicated "Yes, please treat me as shit as you like, I won't complain or walk away."

In the nicest possible way, and in this regard, there is absolutely nothing different or special about you. Your weakness and vulnerability is in the fact that when people do a shitty thing, you wonder why they would do that to you, rather than just walking away.

I am sure they don't treat everyone that way. They just recognise the weaklings

In short, they treat anybody this way who will let them. Your 'weakling' status is determined by the fact that you allow them to keep treating you poorly.

Thinking that it's 'something about you' is a form of anxious attachment style.

If it's not about you, it must be about them, so they mark themselves as people to walk away from. Stop looking for what you're doing wrong, and remember that if you're not in their lives, they can't hurt you.

I think this may come down to having poor self esteem from being young - Forgive me if I am wrong. Possibly due to parents not encouraging good boundaries and confidence?
in my personal life, I don’t have anyone who treats me badly, this is due to seeing good relationships modeled as a child and also as I’ve got older recognising the warning signs, which are similar to those in a relationship, so people who ask for things too early or ask too much, people who become over familiar too early (love bombing). I distance myself really quickly from anyone who shows unhealthy behavior. I simply don’t keep them in my life. Now this isn’t something that works in the workplace and I’ve had some really toxic encounters, but I can definitely see it for what it is. With your daughter i think it is all about building her self esteem and modeling good relationships and good boundaries yourself.

so people who ask for things too early or ask too much, people who become over familiar too early

What I had trouble with, before extensive counselling, was identifying what was too early or too much, and you see this all the time on here: 'He did this or that, was it too much?' What I was failing to realise was that it was about what was too much for me, rather than some external measurement. So it's not necessarily that he's 'wrong', but that 'you don't like his behaviour'.

This is a massive distinction that always makes me want to say 'Yes, it's too much' to everyone who posts a thread like that, because if they're posting a thread, then it's 'too much' for them.

Basically just have boundaries in place and don’t be afraid of saying no to people. Stand up for yourself if someone has wronged you or trying to bully you. If someone is trying to gaslight or manipulate you just tell them you see through their bullshit and that you’re not going to be manipulated. And yes walk away or ignore if you have to. People can always sniff out the weak ones… don’t be the weak one.

As others have said, they treat you this way, because you accepted it the first time. And the second, and third, and many times after that. Instead of walking away.

Have you heard of the shark cage theory? It doesn’t sound as if you have a very secure shark cage, which is probably rooted in issues from your past, childhood, etc.

People with secure shark cages rebuff the predators with a great deal more ease than people with flimsy or broken shark cages.

The shark cage metaphor

It depends on the context. There are certain things that are firm deal breakers for me, certain behaviours that would cause me to walk away at the first instance. There are other behaviours that I might bring up to them as an issue for me, and then how they respond to it would likely indicate whether it's worth sticking around. So for example, if they respond in a way such as telling me I need to lighten up, I'm overreacting, etc, then I walk. You can set your own boundaries, your own dealbreakers. They don't have to sound reasonable or make sense to anyone else but you.

Your inclusion of the word "politely" indicates to me that you struggle with confrontation. It suggests you've had to walk on eggshells before, and you're used to having to approach things very delicately for fear of the other person blowing up, and then they usually make it your fault for "having a go" or "starting" on them so you internalise that you need to approach things even more delicately.

This can somewhat contradict putting your foot down. Sometimes you just need to say "I don't like that, I'm not tolerating it". When you want to confront someone about something, and the focus is on not upsetting them rather than asserting your boundaries, you put yourself in a position for them to tell you you're being unreasonable or overreacting, and for you to believe it.

If you struggle to address things out of fear of upsetting the other person, that's a good indication that this person shouldn't be in your life.

@BlastedPimples I don't think there is a formula, I think you've just been unlucky. Keep on being yourself. Don't let the poor behaviour of others change you. Eventually someone will come along who won't treat you badly. There are still plenty of good people out there.

You've had some great replies to this.

no. I want to know what it is about me that makes them think they can treat me like dirt.

The simple answer is that it's because you let them.

I know that sounds like 'victim blaming' but it's not. Victim blaming would be saying, "Well, people treat you like dirt because [insert flaws and inadequacies on your part]."

When the truth is that people will only treat you how you let them. That doesn't mean you can explain to them, reason with them, plead with them and get them to stop.

But it does mean that you stop accepting them and their behaviour in your life.

I should have walked away long before.

So do so. When you recognise that someone is doing it, walk away. Challenge them. Don't be too eager to please or be too accommodating.

In the same way that 'work expands to fill the time available', people behave to the limits of what they know is acceptable to a particular person. That is why they are not like it with everyone. You allow them to be like it with you.

To understand what they see in me that makes them realise they can do that. Not their motivations.

They don't fear you challenging them on it; they don't fear repercussions from you because there are none.

They don't value you because they don't think you value yourself.

what do you do to put your foot down? Walk away? Politely flag their poor behaviour to them?

It depends what you mean by polite. There's no need to go around kicking off at people (although those people seem to be rarely treated badly by others!) but setting clear boundaries for yourself so you know what you will and won't accept is crucial.

Literally by not allowing them to. Part of this is on you to change your behaviour to not accept bad behaviour. I was guilty of this and a huge people pleaser.

To have strong boundaries in place of what you will and will not accept. I now give everyone a second chance and if they blow that chance then they are gone.

I only want people around me who are drama free, not nasty or users around me.

The way to weed these people out is very simple. Do their actions match their words consistently? They do they do what they say they are going to. Do they keep things to themselves? Are they genuine and not just about themselves? That's how you do it. So far, it's working pretty well for me. I have less friends but the ones I do have are bloody brilliant. I get back what I give out.

Here's an example for you.

When my partner and I had been together for a few months, the default was that we saw each other every Fri - Sun unless one of us made other plans.

He called me one Friday lunchtime to tell me he was going to be late over that evening because a close friend he rarely saw invited him over to watch the football. Their favourite team was playing. But he was still looking forward to seeing me and would he over afterwards.

I genuinely didn't mind the change in plan - even at short notice. But I wasn't going to be sitting around the house all evening waiting for him to turn up!
.
So I told him it was fine and to have a good evening but not to come over and we'd see each other the following day.

I was disappointed not to be seeing him but wasn't going to accommodate that. I also made a mental note to see if it became a pattern.

If I'd let him come over later in the evening, it might have been something he'd tried to do again. It then becomes harder to challenge because of the times you've accepted it previously.

In doing so, I set an unspoken boundary but one he'd understood very clearly. It's not happened since.

That's what I meant in my previous post about not being too accommodating. Decide what you are happy to accept and where your line is drawn.

Other peoples lines would be different to mine.

This book is really helpful in learning how to set boundaries:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Boundaries-limits-that-will/dp/1785044400/ref=asc_df_1785044400/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=606721232131&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17176343920122693803&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045559&hvtargid=pla-1695193967430&psc=1&mcid=a9b1219fe4693df0bfef7032db60e5c0&th=1&psc=1

Most people aren't treating you badly because they're arseholes or abusers. Some are just working within the parameters you have set and haven't really considered the impact on you or assume you're OK with it when you're not.

In reality, most people are ok but we all consider our own needs. It's only those with 'people pleasing' tendencies who overthink and consider every action and move in relationship to how it impacts on others because they fear not being liked or upsetting someone.

I would focus on recognising poor behaviour and withdrawing your company when people exhibit it. Ur time is precious. There is a quote saying No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Don't allow it.

It's about setting boundaries and being prepared to stick to them.

People like that are attracted to those who are kind, generous, and forgiving. I like those characteristics about myself so I don't want to change them. But I need to be aware that I am a generous person and that some other people will take advantage of that if they realise.

So if ever I feel like I've been taken advantage of, I will never give another favour again. And I am more than prepared to cut people out of my life completely if they abuse my trust and kindness.

I also won't blame myself for being trusting when someone else behaves badly. I've got nothing to be ashamed of - they have.