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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you stop people treating you badly?

37 replies

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2024 15:15

I hate being the victim. But I know everyone has experienced being treated badly.

My stbxh was a royal shit and most of the time, I didn't know. Adultery (lots), financially controlling, verbal abuse and eventually physical abuse.

Friends too have dropped me and ghosted me. I should have walked away long before. From all of the. But I didn't seem to register until it was too late.

Is there a formula I can apply in my fifties to stop if happening again? I don't want the distress or drama ever again but not do I want to live in a cave avoiding people.

I'm worried for my dd too in this respect.

I just think I am clueless at understanding why people think they can treat me like dirt.

OP posts:
InvisibleBuffy · 16/02/2024 19:39

Just a word of thanks to everyone on this thread and the book recommendations. Like the OP, I've been asking myself the same question this week and the replies have been massively illuminating. Thank you all ❤

Fushia123 · 17/02/2024 17:55

Any advice on how to deal with a sister who is partly passive aggressive and part shares caring for elderly mum with me? Can’t go NC but want some strategies.

Healthyhappymama · 17/02/2024 18:10

I was actually thinking this exact same thing today!! A lot of people in my life have been controlling and I was thinking why do I always meet these kinds of people!! I think I'm a genuine and kind person but it's never enough, truth is a lot of the time I allowed these behaviours without realising. Definitely loving yourself and knowing what your boundaries are and not putting up with any bullshit as soon as you see any negative behaviour call them out or cut them off!!

NewspaperTaxis · 17/02/2024 18:11

The OP has a point - why do these creeps attach themselves to her personally?

I think it may be about setting boundaries, or being unable to. A question of what you appear ready to put up with. Then, if you've been in the habit of putting up with such stuff - from parents perhaps? - you give off an aura.

Maybe cultivate a no-nonsense, won't suffer fools attitude you can wheel out on occasion. What is your cut off point? Make a sort of list of the kind of things someone could do that would allow you to snub them - ranging from turning up late for an appointment - once? repeatedly? - to making an overtly racist comment or some such thing. At what point would you go a bit cool or bow out. What if you found out they didn't wash their hands after using the loo? What is the limit, do you have any?
On top of this, live in the present enough so you can revise your position. What others have written re the honeymoon period is true enough. Have a set of excuses or explanations ready for why you may not want to be around them.

I'm not saying you wait for your opportunity to do this, just be aware there are a good many folk out there who are not worth your time, just as there are TV shows you won't be bothered to committing to if you find you don't get on with them.
Some might see you as a bit passive or 'facey' - some see social interactions like a conman tricking the gullible - you may give the impression of being a sitting duck. In some ways - if true - then arguably it is a minor character flaw of some kind, so after you've been stung you might feel bad in that you 'deserved' it - but if so that would be true only up to a point. True enough to make you feel it however.

Naturally I am referring back to my own experiences on this.

littlebopeepp234 · 17/02/2024 18:20

Fushia123 · 17/02/2024 17:55

Any advice on how to deal with a sister who is partly passive aggressive and part shares caring for elderly mum with me? Can’t go NC but want some strategies.

Just ignore passive aggressive behaviour. When they are passive aggressive just don’t react, don’t argue, dont anything. Most passive aggressive people are unable to talk through their emotions so do things in indirect ways to hurt the other person. It’s all mind games and making you wonder what you did wrong without actually telling you what you have done. If you call them out on it they either pretend they don’t know what you’re talking about or gaslight you into thinking it’s you who has a problem. Don’t fuel their fire! Ignore, ignore and ignore passive aggression and only bother with them when they engage in a civilised manner. Life’s too short for that sort of bullshit.

RockyRogue1001 · 17/02/2024 19:49

Sorry, I don't have anything to add, but just to say I've read this thread stunned at the brilliance of each and every one of you, and in awe of your generosity in sharing your experiences.
There's a thread atm about mners you'd like to meet off the boards.
I hope each of you is name checked on there. You all deserve to be for your wisdom and compassion

rio2 · 17/02/2024 19:50

Boundaries'

WalkingThroughTreacle · 17/02/2024 19:56

Very simply - zero tolerance. Bullies, abusers, narcissists, bigots, exploiters, selfish fuckers etc, they show their true colours just once and I have nothing more to do with them.

GreyCarpet · 17/02/2024 20:27

The OP has a point - why do these creeps attach themselves to her personally?

Because she let's them.

These people don't reserve behaviour for the OP and people like her. Many of them won't even recognise that what they are doing is considered wrong by others - it just meets and serves their own personal needs.

So that's how they are with everyone. And even then, some of it isn't 'bad' (eg see the example I gave of my partner). Thoughtless at most.

The difference is that everyone has different boundaries in terms of what they are willing to accept from other people. When someone else behaves in a way that you don't like, you find a way of communicating that to the other person. That is your boundary.

If you don't, then you're communicating that you don't mind it and so they do it again. The longer it goes on for, the more it feels like they are 'pushing' your boundaries. But if your boundaries are only felt by you (eg discomfort and feeling like someome is taking the piss) then resentment builds up in you. But the other person is still unaware.

And so they push. Not because they're arseholes but because it meets their needs and they assume that, if you're not happy, you'd let them know.

Some people are complete pisstakers so they'll be themselves and a lot of people just won't be there or put themselves out for them. Those people perceive them as unkind/unhalpful/rude and so dont bother with them again. Someone else does accommodate them, out of a sense of kindness or wanting to be nice or their biggest fear is being thought of as rude and not liked. They just feel silently disregarded, disrespected, put upon.

This encompasses all sorts of behaviours from people who have friends who are persistently late, to people who ask for last minute babysitting favours, to people who just take advantage of your good nature, to men who cheat.

When you accept someone's behaviour, you are showing them how you to treat you. As I said, people's behaviour will push to the limits of what you will accept.

The more you accept, the more they will push and the less they will appear to respect you. Not because they have deemed you unworthy of respect but because they don't even consider whether they are disrespecting you because you've never put boundaries in place that they can disrespect.

People can't respect you if you don't respect yourself.

If you're quietly seething that X always does something or never does something else, you have to consider - have you actually communicated it to them?

It's why people start to lose friends when they finally start having boundaries. They've moved the goalposts - changed the parameters- and it now no longer suits the other person.

It's easier to establish boundaries from he start. The only people you'll lose or exclude are the ones not prepared to meet you needs.

Yetmorebeanstocount · 17/02/2024 23:28

BlastedPimples · 15/02/2024 17:17

@Watchkeys no. I want to know what it is about me that makes them think they can treat me like dirt.

To understand what they see in me that makes them realise they can do that. Not their motivations.

Their motivation is that they are nasty pieces of work. That bit isn't hard.

I am sure they don't treat everyone that way. They just recognise the weaklings. The stragglers in the herd and target them. I want to recognise them earlier for what they are and to understand what it is about me that makes them think they can get away with it.

I want to know what it is about me that makes them think they can treat me like dirt.
It's nothing about you. They try to treat EVERYONE like dirt.

I am sure they don't treat everyone that way.
You're mistaken. They do treat everyone that way - once. Most people cut them out sharpish as ONCE is all it takes, for even the tiniest bit of nastiness or selfishness, and they don't get a second chance. So they just move on to find another person to try being nasty to.

Perhaps where you are going wrong is either A) you don't actually notice the first instance of bad behaviour from them - if so why is that? or B) you notice it but brush it away and give a second chance, and then a third, etc.

Don't worry about being polite. There is no need to be polite to nasty people - just do what it takes to get them out of your life.

GreyCarpet · 17/02/2024 23:31

Yetmorebeanstocount

You're so right.

BlastedPimples · 18/02/2024 00:04

Thank you @Yetmorebeanstocount. You make perfect sense.

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