When you tell your husband he hurt you; but its "your fault" for being hurt/being sensitive?

[bellamoore1]

A typical argument/disagreement between me and my husband is him being condescending/sarcastic/making snide remarks. Then whenever I call him out on it, or whenever I tell him how its made me feel (I am not saying he has to agree, I could say "x made me feel this way, it might not of been intentional but x is how I feel" he will say its a ME problem, that I took it the wrong way.

So I can't win... I tell him he hurt me by his words, but its my fault for getting hurt apparently. No apology or anything. Has anyone else gone through this?

Another thing he does is often give me the silent treatment, and I have no idea why. I would rather just know what he is annoyed at. When I ask what is wrong he says he is fine, but he carries such a negative aura/miserable attitude. The words are sarcastic, and mean spirited, but when I ask what is wrong its always nothing.

Or he is irritated - when I ask why its because what I am saying is irritating him? But I can tell from the very beginning of the conversation he is deeply irritated. he just blames my conversation/questions that I made him that way.

No. It seems you can't win.

Perhaps it will never get better.

He is acting as though he doesn't like you very much. And silent treatment is abusive.

This sounds like its a him problem to me. He should not be say and doing these things

It sounds emotionally abusive. Making you doubt your perception, victim blaming, gaslighting, minimising and mocking.

Not really clear TBH. My husband is often quiet. He’s not giving me the silent treatment. He just doesn’t need to talk non stop. And if I was constantly asking what was up I’m sure he would eventually get fed up.
What is he being sarcastic about? How is he condescending? If he really is those things and won’t change then just end it.

He's told you he doesn't care about your feelings. That's literally the essential trait in a partner, caring about you.

Contempt BTW is the number 1 issue that kills relationships. And he feels it.

Google DARVO. - you’ll get your answer

@Wolfiefan quiet as in, not speaking and shutting (not slamming) doors, huffing and puffing saying things under his breath, being sarcastic and ask how was your day responding with "it was fiiiiiiine, howwww was YOURRRRRRRR day baaaaaaabe", if he has to do something that he thinks I should be doing (clothes washing/emptying the bin) he will slam the lid etc, things like that, making snide comments, or yes or no answers and not looking at me.

@MrsTerryPratchett contempt is the perfect word. is this something I have done, or do some people react with contempt from childhood experiences etc. He blames it on me you see, so trying to work out if the contempt is my fault

Someone else treating you with contempt isn’t about you. It’s their problem. Why should you put up with being treated badly?

How on earth did he get as far as being your DH? Is this a recent change or have you taken the blame for years?

Then he asks why I am not fun/chatty/outgoing around his friends anymore. I usually feel anxious/low self worth which is why. I don't feel comfortable, whereas at the beginning I was so chatty.

Sometimes people who grew up with bad relationships around them they don't recognise toxic and abusive relationships til later. I think the op needs support right now. Check out womens aid op.

Have you heard of emotional abuse op? Domestic abuse isn't just about physical violence. You're allowed to leave you know. He sounds vile.

And the reason you have anxiety and feelings of low self-worth?

Seems to me it is 100% due to the vile way he treats you.

Or he is irritated - when I ask why its because what I am saying is irritating him?

Absolutely not. Tell him no, he can't have it both ways. If your feelings are YOUR problem, then his feelings are HIS problem. Simple.

And LTB.

This is not a healthy relationship. It's probably not fixable. It's not your fault. The only real way to change things is to leave so you're not subjected to it any more.

Then he asks why I am not fun/chatty/outgoing around his friends
anymore. I usually feel anxious/low self worth which is why. I don't
feel comfortable, whereas at the beginning I was so chatty.

He has broken your spirit.

This sounds horrible, your anxiety and low self worth are probably directly related to the man you're married to. You don't need to work out why he's behaving like this towards you. You don't need to spend any more time wondering if it's your fault, or how you get him to be nice to you. You just need to decide if you want to live with it, or leave him.

He wants out of the relationship, but doesn't have the balls to say so. And/or he doesn't want to lose the domestic drudgework you currently do, or perhaps he wouldn't be able to afford such a nice place to live if he was single. So he'll make it your fault that he's TRAPPED and he'll make your life as shit as possible.

Get his negative arse out of your life. You will feel so much lighter without this energy vampire.

Unfortunately you can’t win with these types of people. They won’t allow it. It’s sucks the life out of you.

Agreed. He’s set it up so you can’t win or do right. He has contempt for you yes and he’s cruel. I’d leave.

@RandomForest and all his friends think I am being miserable, and I look like I am totally bringing him down....

It's a well-known trick. My ex used to deliberately upset me when we were already on the way out so when we got there, I was really miserable and trying to hide it - often holding back tears. He'd then go out of his way to be the life and soul of the party, whilst occasionally whispering vicious barbs into my ear with a smile on his face.

Leave. When I did my Women's Aid course, this type of behaviour had been experienced by most of us in my group. It is emotionally abusive behaviour.

It undermines you and will rob you of your self esteem and confidence. Don't do it to yourself. It will only get worse.