Weak, let my kids down and with a 2” scar on my forehead..

[Tulipsandclogs]

Where to start..
I have told my husband I do not love him anymore, after close to 30 years. I clearly (recognizing) that I have dependency issues.. he gets into my head, and is now spending a huge amount of money on ‘therapy’ about ‘Wife falling back in love with you and How to save my marriage’ an American based thing.. there has always been threatening behaviour over all of those years when the chips were down, and I am not perfect, I’m sure.. I’ve been told emotional abuse and financial abuse by a close friend and 2 years ago an horrendous incident where he threw/launched from around a meter distance a heavy pasta dish that hit me in the middle of my forehead (it broke) and me needing to have it all stuck back together etc, the concussion 24hrs later was worse to be honest and I do realise now it could of killed me. But the very worst thing of all is 2 of our young teens had just left the dining table (due to the bickering over collection of a hire car) and then had to deal with the aftermath.. truly horrendous what they have had to deal with, I know I have let them down beyond comprehension.. it became all about Dads feelings, he love bombed and was straight into counseling (he announced he was cured after 3months) I trusted him and felt sorry for him, all about him but he’s still the same underneath, both very early 50s, how does someone change that much at our age..
I haven’t told anyone about this, I just do not want to burden people with my shit show..
I will never ever forgive myself for the trauma to 2 of the kids and the sadness of the eldest about his dad and I splitting (he was in his room with a headset on oblivious until I was halfway to the hospital)
I could write on and on.. I know I need to keep strong.. maybe getting it all off my chest will help, maybe it won’t.. I don’t really know.. I have been pouring over mumsnet since beginning of Jan trying to find any story similiar and I can’t.
If anyone can relate..?

Hospital, Social Services, School and GP aware of head incident. No violence since but threatening body language and recently threw some reading glasses at me.

Hi OP I think he sounds like a dangerous individual. If you are planning to leave please don't tell him. That is statistically one of the most dangerous times. Rent somewhere else take the kids and leave him a message to say it is over. I hope you have access to your own money.

For your own safety you need to leave that relationship. Seek as many help you can in real life. He is dangerous.

So he could of killed you 2 years ago and you are still there. It does beg a question as to what's it going to take to push you to go, because he's given you every reason, but you still hang on?
You are quite right, your DC's will probably need therapy at some point, if not already had, to try and get over it.

Plenty of women have been in your shoes, OP. Women whose partners often treat them appallingly and the women are posting asking about how they can change so they can please their partners. Fortunately MN corrects their thinking on that.

You can’t put back time. There is much I would differently as a mum if I had my time again - I got some really fundamental things wrong. But you can move forward with determination and courage. Your DH has shown that he could kill you. He is dangerous. You may need support to leave him but it’s the right thing to do. What support do you have IRL? Do you have somewhere to move to? What are your practical plans? You don’t need to tell us but getting the sorted will be good for you.

Show your children that however hard it is, for however long, you can still walk away.

Can you do that? Can you stop looking backwards, and deal with what you need to do now? He's dangerous: you need to distance yourself and your children from him. Wasting your time worrying about how you've damaged your children is damaging your children further.

How are you doing?

I'm not actually a "Mumnetter" at all, but a chap who signed up a few days ago for a short time. I came here seeking perspective on a troubled relationship, got some solid advice and am thankful. This morning I saw your post and just felt moved to say something..

I myself experienced a chaotic, often extremely violent childhood. I saw and dealt with a lot of serious things kids should never have to and I can promise you, NOBODY is going to blame you for anything, perhaps just you.

Abuse of any kind works on people exactly as it appears to have done with you..it completely destroys from the inside out. Don't you dare sabotage yourself! I did the same thing you're doing here, blamed me. I completely put myself through the mental wringer for stuff beyond my control, things I didn't cause. It's all you've written..stop it.

Tell me, what could you have done to prevent that flying dish connecting with your forehead? What measure do you have in place to stop anyone being hurtful to you if that's their intention? You didn't decide one day to give up loving your husband after thirty years. It's possible that's how long it's taken to smell the coffee, I don't know.

I imagine you have suffered extensively over those thirty years, in ways only you would understand. You've sustained a serious, concussive war wound ..for putting your trust in someone. That's your "crime". Just take a moment (when you find one spare) and breathe..

This horrendous an incident could have killed you, please understand the impact of those words. That scar is proof, if ever any were needed (it isn't) that YOU are the victim of violence, no varnishing that fact.

Your hubby has paid so much for this therapy because he knows well the importance of damage limitation. He's not stupid. Your sons are becoming adult men in full view of the world. They will definitely take a stern view of their dad for hurting their mother. I've been there personally. He knows it's unavoidable and will seriously regret this act in his heart, probably always will. As a man he's responsible for your protection and he's failed. In the supposed safety of the family home. no therapist can dress it up differently regardless how well paid.

Be nice to yourself this weekend if possible and you love your family just as you always have. You're not to blame for your husband's regrettable loss of self control or the inevitable fall out.

You deserve (and have) my empathy.
Bless

Amazing words from @Mr279 who I hope will become a Mumsnetter and will be regularly on hand to give such empowering advice.

Thank you for replying.
I have told him I don’t love him anymore, the relief has been immense. He is currently away on a job and it has been discussed that we will end the rest of our mortgage period interest only (end of August) so on that basis it leaves a difference for him to rent somewhere until the house is sold. I can’t leave, I have access to a credit card (£1500 limit) and £26 in my current account.. SAHM (18 years). Thanks so much again..

Thank you very much for replying..

Thank you for replying.. I hear every word you have taken the time to write.. daughter had some therapy but she disliked/isn’t ready.. middle son, 16, doesn’t want to, yet. I’ll continue to gage and time it right. Thanks again…

Thank you.. exactly this, I will.. thanks again..

Mr279 thank you so very much.. how lucky I am that you have taken the time to read and reply to my post..
feeling flat today, but overall lighter and happier that he isn’t here right now. You have written everything that I needed to hear, and I shall read it every day.. I shall respond a little more later, have to run for an appt!
thank you..

I couldn’t have asked for more @Dery Thank you too for responding.

Hey @Dery I know it’s 100% right to divorce, the relief telling him out loud that I sadly no longer love him is immense. I have spent the last two years trying to salvage his relationship with our children, why did I do that? I’ll never know.. maybe he is a good victim, I felt sorry for him.. maybe because I trusted he meant his regret, and pushed aside the (for my ears only) verbal abuse..
So sorry unsure what IRL means? I don’t have anywhere to move too, financial, but I have seen a solicitor so have an idea of how the children and I can move forward once the house is sold. He has been described as a wolf in sheep clothing so I am hopeful (maybe naieve) that he will cooperate for the sake of our very smart teens and his own reputation if any of this was to come out, I am more than sure he hasn’t been truthful with anyone, including counselors/therapist, purely because I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have suggested couples counselling to him if they knew about the violent outbursts.
I posted as I felt myself beginning to believe him again, but just writing it helped, I don’t like, love or miss him when he’s gone, the house feels lighter, I feel lighter, I am not scared about finances, the feeling of imminent freedom is so exciting.. Now I have to focus on this time in between, selling the house, severing the emotional dependency.. is it ok to feel like a ‘Victim’? @Mr279 has made me think that it is ok, I have been, and only I can stop this for myself and the children. No1 Son adores his dad, was very protective initially 2 years ago, he’s now 18 and has shared sporting stuff with dad and wants to work with him within his industry.. tricky.. I think I am rambling.. thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

@Dery just to say, I don’t mean I would use the violence against him, more I now realise he is more clever than I realised, reading between the lines of the things he says. I know he feels remorse, but likely more for himself, his mum, and I hope, our children.. which is why I am hopeful he will be to a degree agreeable to a fair settlement.

Thank you for your kind words, I got slightly carried away writing your mini lecture this morning(!) glad it helped along with everyone else's well informed responses. People here clearly understand fully what you've suffered and how, they care a great deal that you do too.

I do hope you get to enjoy the weekend in peace. Be proud of yourself for having the balls to open up to others about something so horrific and showing such raw vulnerability. Not to mention securing a strong support network here, all within a day.

Does that sound like a "weak" person to you?!
Me neither.

Bless

"Where to start"? Where it should have ended was with you leaving 2 years ago, when he physically assaulted you.
I understand why your children do not want to attend therapy. To do therapy means to get used to the status quo. They want out they want recovery.

This 100%

IRL is in real life. Do you have anyone you can reach out to and lean on?

You've shown such strength 💐

Thanks, that's really kind of you! No prob

op can l just add, l see you have been a SAHM for a long time but please start looking into working again, there is nothing like getting out into the workplace to restore your self worth (as well as your finances)
Before you say no one will employ me....think about a reception job or such...it will help to take your mind off all this and help you to remember who you were before him and his destruction...l wish you all the best of luck.

apologies for the delay in replying, little cinema trip with youngest..
You didn’t lecture in anyway, you wrote exactly what I needed to read, and with kindness. It’s been really helpful here, I have avoided sharing this with anyone, as I feel like I’ve burdened people close before and let them down too. When the time is right, likely when he leaves prior to the house being sold. Thank you so very much again.
I hope all is well with you..

Very scary but yes I will asap. I have to consider out youngest with regard tho this, they have a rare autoimmune disease that effects brain, eyes and spine. I’ll need to keep one day free a week to ensure I can attend regular appointments/tests etc. They have lost 50% sight in one eye since 2019, and as long as I breathe and they need me it will be me that carry’s them to the bathroom during attacks. We have open access to hospital and overseen by 3 hospitals which are longer trips etc… dad of course cares very much but it’s always been my thing, he’s away always with work, I do know it’s been hard for him too. the solicitor explained that this would/should be taken into account with regard to my welling being, in that I could be deemed an unreliable employee.. so joint lives could be agreed to for a period of time if I have to take unpaid for longer hospital stays. Maybe I need to consider my own little venture which could work better.. a lot to think about.. we also live really remotely, no public transport etc.. Thank you so very much for replying..

Sorry, me again.. I know you meant to make me think..
There was nothing I could have done to stop the dish connecting with my head, I vividly remember him looking straight into my eyes with venom as it hit. My Mother in law arrived, he’d called her to be with the children so he could take me to A&E, and she immediately walked straight to him to console him whilst middle son stemmed the blood asking ‘should I call the police’ horrific to write and I haven’t shared this detail really with anyone, so many lore… having to leave the two of them being so stressed was the worst thing ever at that moment.. And you are right, it’s taken me that long, 30 years, of truly hurtful words and threatening behaviour throughout, snippets of nice moments, more often a really lovely time turned sour.. When I feel sad, I will remind myself the children need security and stability, as do I, my dear middle son has taken on far to much subtly, it’s not his job, and I need to set him free of this. Please no need to reply.. all good. I’ve printed your original reply, so I can read each day until I no longer need it. Thank you again.