Weak, let my kids down and with a 2” scar on my forehead..

[Tulipsandclogs]

Where to start..
I have told my husband I do not love him anymore, after close to 30 years. I clearly (recognizing) that I have dependency issues.. he gets into my head, and is now spending a huge amount of money on ‘therapy’ about ‘Wife falling back in love with you and How to save my marriage’ an American based thing.. there has always been threatening behaviour over all of those years when the chips were down, and I am not perfect, I’m sure.. I’ve been told emotional abuse and financial abuse by a close friend and 2 years ago an horrendous incident where he threw/launched from around a meter distance a heavy pasta dish that hit me in the middle of my forehead (it broke) and me needing to have it all stuck back together etc, the concussion 24hrs later was worse to be honest and I do realise now it could of killed me. But the very worst thing of all is 2 of our young teens had just left the dining table (due to the bickering over collection of a hire car) and then had to deal with the aftermath.. truly horrendous what they have had to deal with, I know I have let them down beyond comprehension.. it became all about Dads feelings, he love bombed and was straight into counseling (he announced he was cured after 3months) I trusted him and felt sorry for him, all about him but he’s still the same underneath, both very early 50s, how does someone change that much at our age..
I haven’t told anyone about this, I just do not want to burden people with my shit show..
I will never ever forgive myself for the trauma to 2 of the kids and the sadness of the eldest about his dad and I splitting (he was in his room with a headset on oblivious until I was halfway to the hospital)
I could write on and on.. I know I need to keep strong.. maybe getting it all off my chest will help, maybe it won’t.. I don’t really know.. I have been pouring over mumsnet since beginning of Jan trying to find any story similiar and I can’t.
If anyone can relate..?

Excellent to hear you're doing a little better and got some fun time out with your family. Take your own good time sorting things out and be encouraged you're doing the right thing.
Bless

Just seen your update op, you have had a LOT to deal with, you are a super mum, he (DH) however is a nasty little shit of a man as no decent father would hurt his childs mother in front of them under any circustances.

I do understand how working may be very difficult for you, with a child with additional needs, but maybe some home working around the Dcs? Anything you have contact with others even if by phone or zoom will help boost your mood...or volunteering where you can duck out when family commitments take precedence.
I too have a teen with additional needs and it is very lonely, working keeps me sane! I am self emplyed due to the restrictions but it really is a lifesaver.

Thank you so much..
Really good advice, I think once exams done for youngest (home tutored due to missing so much time from school medically) and coming up, I shall try and find something for 3 days per week, learning to make a nice coffee with a pretty froth might be a great start ❤️

Hey, so sorry I think I missed this..
Yes it absolutely should have. I chose to trust him, the counselling, smothering me in love, being a ‘great’ dad.. emotional dependency is a really unhealthy thing I have realised.. the utter sadness is so challenging at times. I need to recover and yes, more importantly they do. I’ll pay a price for sure for failing them all 2 years ago and in more ways, as eldest son is angry with me for hurting dad now..
thanks for responding.. I take on board all you have written.

Thank you so much @tealgate
I do.. but keeping this close is how I’ve felt right now.. I don’t mean this in a ‘woe is me’ way but I sought there support two years ago, have put them in a situation where they have had to grin and bear it for mine and the children’s sakes, feels unfair to put even more worry on them, many people are struggling right now.. it feels ok and I look forward so much to telling them ‘it’s done!’ Writing this down here, having people taking time to respond who don’t know me has been incredibly supportive.
Thanks again..

@Tulipsandclogs

Have you tried speaking to the Samaritans, if you're unable to speak to anyone else IRL?

Samaritans. To talk about anything that is upsetting you, you can contact Samaritanss 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You can call 116 1233 (free from any phone), email [email protected]g or visit some branches in personn. You can also call the Samaritans Welsh Language Line on 0808 164 01233_ (7pm–11pm every day).

Talking to them might give you some relief if you felt you could open up to them? 🌹

Have you ever contacted Women's Aid? They will be the most useful of all the help out there. They can help you plan how to leave him.