‘See where it goes’

[Holibobby]

I’ve been dating a guy for only 3 weeks but he has been super keen, to the point where I have been taken back by how keen he has been. I’ve started to get use to it and started to quite enjoy the attention from him and I’ve really started to like him.

Then yesterday I felt a big change, it was Valentine’s Day and the way he gushes over text was expecting atleast a card - he said he wanted to come over so he did and he took me out treated me to a really nice lunch. after our dates he will always message saying how much he likes me etc or say how much he enjoyed the date. Didn’t get any of that apart from another happy valentines message and heart.

so I messaged him last night and said we’ve never really spoke about it before but what is it you’re looking for and he hit me with the dreaded ‘to date someone and see where it goes’. Hate that line. so I’m already thinking maybe he’s not actually after a relationship like he has made out.

He told me at the meal that his mum keeps asking about his dating life so I said how is your dating life going and he said yeah good and just laughed. He’s been quite nervous on our dates but he normally relaxes but just seemed even more nervous but putting it down to him not having alcohol as it was middle of the day.

it’s got me questioning is he just seeing this as a casual thing now. The day before he asked me if I would go away with him for his birthday in March, and he’s making plans for the summer with me in it. but yesterday he just seemed bit different. He has been saying he wants me to introduce me to his friends and it’s their engagement party at weekend and I was kind of waiting for an invite (even though this early on I don’t think I would invite him to something with me)

I need to remember it’s literally been 3 weeks (5 dates) - he just seems a little different to how full on he was. Just wondering if anyone else has been faced with the ‘see where it goes’

He's love bombing you. Ditch

"So is it too much if I message him and say I don’t want this to just be about sex?"

Don't do this. Just steer the dates and conversations away from sex and judge his reaction. If he backs off then you know it's all about the sex for him, despite whatever bullshit he tells you.

I still think he's a love bomber/player/attention seeking/in it for himself though and you should get out now before you get hurt in too deep.

In your shoes, I'd have (with regret perhaps) called it a day with him because of how unsure/anxious of him/myself I was feeling. I mean, how long do you stick around for before your gut feeling is proved right? And why would you when he's not making you feel emotionally safe or happy?

I would speak to him, don't do it over message. And don't be afraid to ask for what you want.

@DatingDinosaur i think the only reason I’ve stuck it out is because I know that I’m not the healthiest person when it comes to dating as it’s clear that I go on a weird downward spiral.

i know that a lot of it is to do with me. I get somethjgn into my head and think the worst. So I guess I’m trying to stick it out to see if I get past this weird stage and if it leads to something better

He's sounding worse and worse for you OP, honestly, if you're happier being single what are you doing with this?

It doesn't matter what you are you aren't, and what he is or isn't. If he's raising this level of unease in you, then you need to walk away. These feelings are your warning sign. Listen to them.

@Seas164 i know and I’ve been here a couple of times and these warning signs always turned out to be real for me.

How about a self referral for some CBT for yourself? I’ve had high anxiety in the past (fog a reason - struggled with husbands affair) and they really helped me, along with talking therapy. They give exercises to try and reset your brain so it’s easier to deal with overwhelming thoughts, and it means that you don’t find everything such an issue. It helped me set some boundaries too. It might help you? Though there’s nothing wrong being single and happy - it’s whatever makes you feel happy, that’s what is right.

OP, sounds like you're hellbent on repeating history, knowing the outcome, knowing that you're going to get hurt. But carrying on anyway.

You'll keep doing this to yourself until your heart learns the lesson, literally the hard way. Sometimes that is the only way to learn.