‘See where it goes’

[Holibobby]

I’ve been dating a guy for only 3 weeks but he has been super keen, to the point where I have been taken back by how keen he has been. I’ve started to get use to it and started to quite enjoy the attention from him and I’ve really started to like him.

Then yesterday I felt a big change, it was Valentine’s Day and the way he gushes over text was expecting atleast a card - he said he wanted to come over so he did and he took me out treated me to a really nice lunch. after our dates he will always message saying how much he likes me etc or say how much he enjoyed the date. Didn’t get any of that apart from another happy valentines message and heart.

so I messaged him last night and said we’ve never really spoke about it before but what is it you’re looking for and he hit me with the dreaded ‘to date someone and see where it goes’. Hate that line. so I’m already thinking maybe he’s not actually after a relationship like he has made out.

He told me at the meal that his mum keeps asking about his dating life so I said how is your dating life going and he said yeah good and just laughed. He’s been quite nervous on our dates but he normally relaxes but just seemed even more nervous but putting it down to him not having alcohol as it was middle of the day.

it’s got me questioning is he just seeing this as a casual thing now. The day before he asked me if I would go away with him for his birthday in March, and he’s making plans for the summer with me in it. but yesterday he just seemed bit different. He has been saying he wants me to introduce me to his friends and it’s their engagement party at weekend and I was kind of waiting for an invite (even though this early on I don’t think I would invite him to something with me)

I need to remember it’s literally been 3 weeks (5 dates) - he just seems a little different to how full on he was. Just wondering if anyone else has been faced with the ‘see where it goes’

I agree with the PP who said he has loved bombed you.
Love bombing was his opening move, this is designed to make you fall for him before he has made his mind up about you, it gives him all the power, you are confused and upset while he casually dismisses you, giving him more power.

Why wouldn't she expect one from the way he's been behaving?

I haven't seen your other threads but maybe he's sensed that you're a bit full on? It's only been three weeks. Of course you'd just see how it goes!

@Gloriosaford Thank you. I agree with what you are saying, he’s basically told me on the first couple of dates that I’m out of his league etc he’s acted like some love sick puppy, I have huge walls and I’m very guarded and now I’m starting to let the walls down and every now and again returning a compliment to him - then I see a little change in his behaviour!

Im just going to try and detach myself. My life is far too busy and I generally dont have the headspace to let a guy occupy it so early on! Feel stupid for overthinking

@rainbowstardrops the previous thread was me asking if this was too much for early dating. He’s been super full on and it freaked me out. I’ve not said anythitn to him full on - he’s told me a few times he likes me and now I’ve said it back and we’ve slept together now I feel a bit of distance.

Sometimes love bombing is a person's default Modus operandi. It may not be a conscious thought out strategy more that they enjoy the feeling of power that they get when you are addicted to them and they feel non-plused about you.
EDIT
Am I right in thinking that this comprises part of Andrew tate's 'teachings', doesn't he instruct his followers to use sex to make women fall in love with them quickly so that they have all the power?
(Yes I know I should look it up for myself but I can't bear to investigate the odious cretin)

You’ve obviously been hurt before and this over analysis is self protection mode. Those telling you not to over analyse perhaps don’t have your personality type or hurt experience.
All you can do is not show him how invested you are and any of the stuff you’re thinking on these threads. Make yourself busy and not always available. This stops him being the centre of your universe and is healthy as you are investing in your life beyond him.
I think until a guy is in love with you, being super keen and invested yourself is just going to come across as intense and scary and he’ll just back off.
Anything can happen in these early days so don’t pile all your time into him and see him as a nice addition to your life , who may or may not stay around. Hence self protection is distraction and keeping busy with the rest of your life.

Actually I saw your other thread, if he’s bothering to change his pic on tinder then he’s likely still dating others. Which is ok for some people, but if I’d slept with someone I’d want exclusivity

@Boogiebadass I think that’s a different post you’re talking about. I’ve not mentioned about him changing his picture on dating site

Relax and let things develop naturally if they're going to
You'll push him away if you come across like this and even if you don't, you're a huge overthinker

Were you not the person who had something going on with a colleague from work that you were confused by last year @Holibobby? The one you initially thought was gay?

I presume this is now a different person?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps it might be better to just take a break from dating/seeing people if it is leading to so much overthinking and stress. It should be natural and easy, and if it isn't, they're either not the right person for you, or it's a sign that you're not in the right mental headspace to be dating.

It sounds to me like you're making this far too complicated than it really needs to be. He hasn't said anything out of turn.

Maybe take some time out and focus on your child for a while rather than ending up in situations that cause you confusion and stress. Having to write multiple threads on here about different people is a bit of a worrying sign...

Honestly OP I’ve read all of your threads about this guy and it does read that your boundaries and your head are all over the place. This is the guy who persuaded you to stay at his when you initially said no and then you felt smothered right?

Please take this in the spirit it’s meant - it really shouldn’t be this complicated on
the early days. I know you say you’ve been hurt and you’re a massive over thinker but maybe take this as a sign that you might not be on right place for dating yet or he’s just not the one for you to get you reading so much into his every word and action.

If after 3 weeks you have so many concerns about this guy it’s not worth it. 3 weeks in should still be casual, maybe getting a little flutter of excitement when you get a text from them, planning dates etc, enjoying yourself with the reassurance that if it doesn’t go anywhere you won’t be heartbroken!

Because 3 weeks is hardly a serious relationship and I’d be very shocked if there were any feelings there at the moment 🤣

5 words op:

It shouldn't be this hard.

Come on, it's been a handful of dates. And you say you're too busy to stress over this but you clearly aren't. Because that's all you're doing here.

My relationship with my partner of 18 years started off as work colleagues and friends. But from the get go it was easy. No guessing ifs or buts or maybes.

The guy before him had me on edge the whole time and he was a total prick to me in the end. I could never relax with him. Back then, that was my gut telling me it was wrong.

You don't need walls for the right person to climb.

my biggest fear is that he’s a love bomber - I’ve been there before and it took me so long to get over that. I’m really wary of that sort of behaviour but feel like I’ve fell for it.

There is no set time for spotting love bombing. The clue is that they draw back as soon as you show a bit of enthusiasm m. That is your clue right there. Sorry, but there it is.

I've been love bombed before and when I reflect on it now, I can see that he was so overtly attentive, loving, wanting to see me all the time, speak to me all the time and I know at that point sometimes it felt a bit much. Then what happened was he started to pull back and withdraw his affection and I would wonder what was going on and he would act as if I was a bit crazy for thinking there was any change. I didn't realise that was part of the 'love bombing' deal at that point.

When I read your post it made me think of that. So I hope that's not what is happening but sometimes we have a gut instinct for a reason.

Where are these walls that are so huge? Tbh, I have not seen them? Your actions say no walls, your head is just mistaking worrying about it as being a wall, it is not.
Have a wall that is an effective boundary, if its tall but made of straw and keeps getting breach easily, there is no point to it.

so I messaged him last night and said we’ve never really spoke about it before but what is it you’re looking for and he hit me with the dreaded ‘to date someone and see where it goes’. Hate that line. so I’m already thinking maybe he’s not actually after a relationship like he has made out.

^I met my husband online. On our very first date he said he was looking to get married and have children. This guy is a flake sorry.

Maybe he’s spoken to a friend and he’s been hurt in the past too - and possibly they’ve said to calm down a bit so he doesn’t scare you off? Maybe he’s fully invested before and was ghosted? Maybe have a chat about it if you’re unsure (though it’s possibly too early to be chatting about exes - maybe a general chat about dating life?). If you don’t feel comfortable then step away. But maybe, just maybe, you could see how this plays out a little longer? Sometimes the best relationships have rocky starts. You’re getting to know each others personalities and quirks at this stage. Good luck 🤞

@Plantmother71 I asked him about dating life and he said he was seeing someone for 7 months (quite recently) but she didn’t make him a priority and she liked her own space too much and he wasn’t prepared to just be someone’s bit on the side. Which in the first few dates I got that impression that he would be wanting more. So maybe that is a possibility

I have to admit, if a guy told me that in the early stages of dating I'd be very cautious. It gives me self-absorbed vibes. As if it's a subtle way of telling you you should worship the ground he walks on or else he'll move on.

So you freaked out befor because you thought he was coming on too fast.
Now you're worried because you think he's taking things too slowly?

Based on the posts in this thread alone (haven't read the others) he sounds very norma.

After 3 weeks he can't possibly know how he feels about you. He took you out for a nice Valentines lunch, sent you a Valentines text. Wants to see how things go (which is what dating is).

All sounds very normal.

But the fact you're swinging between 'he's a love bomber' and 'he's too cool for me' says that you don't know what you want and / or you're so fearful of it going wrong that nothing he does is right.

If he's worth sticking with, then you risk wrecking any future hope of a relationshoip with this man if you analyse every thing he says and does, and find him lacking every time to boot.

I mean this kindly, are you sure you're ready for a relationship?

@perfectcolourfound yeah your 100% right, I make out that I’m not bothered and I go with the flow but I’m freaking out because of the hurt I’ve felt in the past. Hence the reason I’ve stayed single for 4 years because my attachment style is little bit all over the place. I’m so much happier and content with being single. So I think there’s some work that needs doing there!

I definitely need to stop over-analysing everything, I think it was just because the first few times we got together I felt secure knowing that for me it was take it or leave it. He was really consistent with messaging etc so seeing a bit of a change has freaked me out. But it’s super early days and I need to give my head a massive wobble.

My friend said I don’t act like my true self with guys, let my boundaries slip etc and it’s time to start saying what I want rather than asking them what they want. but I definitely need to stop over analysing

He said on date no.2 that because he liked me he didn’t want it to be about sex. Although after we slept together on date no.3 a lot of it has been about sex, even the messages he sends me in the day.

So is it too much if I message him and say I don’t want this to just be about sex?