To move country for love?

[roundandroundinmyhead]

Looking for some advice. I met a man whilst on holiday in the states 18 months ago. We really hit it off and have been in a long distance relationship since. We have been visiting each others countries for months at a time, so have spent a fair amount of time together. I adore this man he is the kindest, most considerate and loving human. The conversation has turned to where our future is heading. He has children with his ex partner, they are young, so he is not in a position to be able to move to the UK and nor would I want him to. I have started looking into visas and the idea of moving to be together. I am a little apprehensive regarding the children as I have yet to meet them. They do predominantly live with their mother. Be honest am I living in a bit of a fantasy and crazy to be considering this?

You only lice once and you don't want to die with regrets. Do it but whatever you do don't have a child with him for a good long while or else you will be stuck

What were the circumstances of his relationship breakdown and why does he not share custody 50/50?

You haven’t even met his children yet.

I’m sorry this is utter madness so far.

He doesn’t sound very involved with his children. You say they are young but they live mostly with his ex and he’s been spending months here. There may be an explanation which makes this all fine but looking in from the outside, it’s a bit of a red flag. It makes me wonder how truly kind and considerate he is when life gets real.

How old are you, OP?

You arent crazy for considering it, I have a friend who did similar many years ago now. What I will say is consider the long term implications. They have moved to the UK at points and USA.

So in America its a LOT harder if you have ill health, health insurance can be crippling. You may be healthy now but anything can change.

Do you want children in the future? If so, education is another huge expense in America if they want to go college.
Just giving birth to children, even with insurance is expensive.
If you split you will then be torn between being trapped in a country with no family or taking your children from one parent.
Again if you split and have no children, you are still at the mercy of their systems and im not sure what they are like for divorce.

In an ideal world it sounds lovely moving for love, but consider the practicalities too. How easy will it be to find work? Look at how much paperwork is involved for visas (including costs, timing, restrictions). Consider if you dont have a visa, how you will support yourself.
How will you cover health care if you lost your job?
How will finances be handled between you both?
How will you get everything you own over to there, how much do you have that you want to take?

It involves having a lot more big conversations than if you moved in together in the same country, because its a LOT more commitment and a LOT more hard work if it doesnt work out and sometimes it may feel easier to stay in a relationship that isnt working because of these extra stresses.

Whilst it feels a great idea, just do the research and look at all the practical things and have conversations about finances, marriage, children (if you are considering them, but if not you still want to talk about his parenting style as nothing can change a relationship faster than seeing someone parent in a way that is completely the opposite of your values).

I do also agree with the posters asking about why he sees his children so little. If you have spent months at a time in his country, yet havent met his children, this means he mustn't be too committed as a parent which for me is a red flag.

@Themuffintop I am 31.

I wouldn't live in the US for anyone

He does see his children but when I was in the states he would see them whilst I was not around. We thought it best not to involve them until we knew the relationship had a future. When he came over to see me he would FaceTime the children. He does not have the children 50/50 because he works long shifts that take him to other states in the week, so it is not practical for him to do so.

Are you even eligible for a visa? There aren’t many routes to move there apart from as a spouse or through sponsorship from an employer. It’s not a crazy idea in itself but if I were you I’d spend more time visiting each other and doing the long distance thing before making such a huge move

What state is he in? America is not as bad as mumsnet makes out, just watch what state cos some of them can be dodgy. The state Im in 50/50 is almost unheard of so dont assume that hes not involved cos he doesnt have them a lot. My exh had mine just every other weekend and he paid through the nose in child support.
Look at an F1 visa ( fiance visa). Once its sorted you have 90 days to get married and file the paperwork. It does mean you will be dealing with immigration for 2-3 years before you get a green card. You can apply for your social security number as soon as you get here, then you can work. This is tied to you getting married within the 90 days though.
Yes you pay for health insurance but lets face it we can actually get health care, unlike that disaster you call the NHS, its free but it appears you get what you pa for. Education is free up to college, like the UK then yes you o pay but not every college is as expensive as talked about, there are was around it too. Ive got my 4th in college now, its doable and no you dont need one of those college funds.
We dont all carry guns either.
The place has its problems but the UK aint exactly doing awesome at the moment either, at least this place is big enough to put your head down and ignore a lot of stuff if you want to, until it goes away.
Hopefully hes in a state that is sensible and reasonable, then you will be better off here to be honest.

Look at an F1 visa ( fiance visa).

The fiance visa is the K-1, not the F-1, and once you are married you file for adjustment of status which gives you a conditional green card. Times for processing that can be long so you'd also concurrently apply for EAD (employment authorisation) whilst that is processing.

gwenneh yeah we did this for my DH , its been a few years but was simple

Ok, visa issues aside … if we have this right:

He sees his young kids (how many?) a bit, but not as much as he would like, because he works long shifts that involves travel. Plausible.

But when he does have free time, he jets off abroad to see his new gf instead of seeing more of his children? And he’s sometimes away for weeks on end? This is difficult to understand.

Are his kids and his ex ok with this arrangement? FaceTime is absolutely no substitute for parenting. How well does he get on this his ex?

So far, not sure this all matches your description of him being the “kindest, most considerate and loving human”. The proof doesn’t seem to be there when it comes to his kids, I’m afraid, from what you have said. Although you may have more detail than you have shared about his parenting situation.

But , if you have absolutely no intention of ever having kids, so can come home in a jiffy if it all goes wrong, then knock yourself out. Absolutely nothing to lose.

I think this is a fantasy at the moment. It’s difficult enough to be in a relationship with a man with children let alone in a different country.

I would give it a lot more time, meet his DCs, see what the dynamic is and how he is with them.

Also consider what would happen if you had dc with him, and split- would you want to come home? Would the law allow it?

now it’s all romantic and lovely. Maybe not so much in reality

Not practical for him to be a parent? Huge red flag.

As an aside, 50/50 isn’t the norm even in other UK countries so that’s not necessarily a bad sign

True. But it’s not the 50/50 that’s the issue. It’s the jetting off for extended periods of time to pursue new gf, pretending FaceTime is acceptable, and - as @coffy11 said - describing parenting as not practical.

Doesn't sound that fun for you to live with

And how old is he?

I'm sorry, but what's 50/50 custody got to do with it? I know people (mums and dads) that don't have 50/50 for various and acceptable reasons, doesn't mean that they are bad people. Don't judge what you don't understand.

OP life's short, go for it. However I do agree that it needs to go slowly (due to the kids). Just make sure you really know him before making anything permanent.

I would want a relationship with his kids/ meet his family and friends before I would consider moving. You need to try to have a sense of who this person is before you commit

My friend moved to America to work as a Nanny when we were 21 for a year. She met and fell in love with an American. She stayed and married him, I went to the wedding it was the very first time I flew. Roll on many years and the marriage was over but they had a child and she couldn’t come back to England until the child was 18. There is this to consider if you have children.

My brothers emigrated there and wanted to sponsor me to move over around the same time. I just didn’t want to go. Even though it was years ago the stats on accidental deaths by guns was horrifying then. I often go to an America it’s a great place for a holiday but don’t get a chronic illness and don’t be poor. I know the UK has issues but the gulf there between rich and poor is enormous.

I wouldn’t want to live in a country where they have Shooter drills for children in schools.

@ViciousCurrentBun it get shot watching a victory parade.

An American Visa is all but impossible, the process of getting a "spouse" visa is pretty brutal and invasive.

I have made a similar move once (don't want to go into specifics) but the decision I made was to move anyway, and if the relationship went south, then I would still be happy having moved to a country I wanted to make a life in.

So, would you like to live in America?

Would you like to marry someone from there?

Unless the answer to both questions is YES, don't do it.