To move country for love?

[roundandroundinmyhead]

Looking for some advice. I met a man whilst on holiday in the states 18 months ago. We really hit it off and have been in a long distance relationship since. We have been visiting each others countries for months at a time, so have spent a fair amount of time together. I adore this man he is the kindest, most considerate and loving human. The conversation has turned to where our future is heading. He has children with his ex partner, they are young, so he is not in a position to be able to move to the UK and nor would I want him to. I have started looking into visas and the idea of moving to be together. I am a little apprehensive regarding the children as I have yet to meet them. They do predominantly live with their mother. Be honest am I living in a bit of a fantasy and crazy to be considering this?

Assuming you have no children to uproot yourself, go for it. I met dh 15 years ago while we were both working abroad (not in a country either of us is from). We dated for 6 months before we both needed to return home when our visas were up. We could not at the time get a visa to live in the same place until we married, so we did long distance (11 hour flight each way) for 2 years, visiting every few months, until I could move to be with him. We have been very happily married for 12 years and I have absolutely no regrets about the decision to move. I consider this my home now and would be here forever, even if dh and I were to split up at any point in the future.

All that said, I'm American. I lived in the states for 30 years (before I met dh and moved away). There is no amount of love or money you could promise me to move back there now! But I don't think that means you shouldn't give it a go. As long as you don't have children together in the immediate future until you're sure what your plans are, you can always up and leave.

I wouldn't do it because I value the NHS for my health, despite its issues, and also because I don't want me or any children (now or future kids) to be shot up at dunno - preschool or the cinemas.

Are your parents still around? How would you feel if you're there and they get ill and you can't visit?

Would you ever have considered moving abroad if it weren't for him?

All the things you love about him are through the prism of a long distance relationship and intense vacations. You haven’t witnessed his parenting, his kids could be a a complete nightmare. You haven’t witnessed the isolation of being in a strange place while he’s away for weeks at a time etc.

I’m not saying don’t go but after 18 months you should have met his kids. There’s a big difference between being introduced as a potential step mother and a friend of dads.

Im

So what are your plans while he works long shifts and in another state? Especially allowing for him to fit in seeing his dc. Sounds lonely.

What are the contingency plans if you go there and a full-time relationship doesn’t work?

What would your work plans be while there? Can you work? Are you so qualified that you could adequately maintain your current lifestyle there?

If you have a property here, do you have to sell up to go or are you renting it as a fall-back?

At this stage moving has to be mutually beneficial, not just for warm and fuzzy.

If you've both had this discussion and are on the same page, I would go for it. It'll be worth it. Trips back and forth just isn't feasible in the long run.

I am currently in the process of beginning the application. Also be prepared for it to be rough waiting and pretty intense with what's needed on the applications.

If it is you going there, you have two options:

1. Get engaged, apply for a K-1 Fiance visa, get married in the US within 90 days. You can then stay there and file the I-130 and adjustment of status.

2. Get married in the UK, remain here whilst he files the I-130 and you go through consular processing and then move over to the US after approval (CR1).

There are pluses and minuses to each one.

Route 1 - Going this route will have a rough total cost of around $3800 dollars come April 24 after the USCIS price increase. The big plus is you can be there sooner and together quicker. However, the draw backs is the cost above and the time it takes. Once you're married, he'll submit the I-130 and you'll submit the I-485 adjustment of status. The I-485 approval time varies dependant on the state capital but can be anywhere between 20-24 months. During that time you will not be allowed to work and will not be allowed to leave the US. So along with moving over with the K1, it's realistic to expect that you'll be going about 2 1/4 years without employment/income.

Route 2 - Getting married here in the UK and then applying after. He'll need a marriage visitor visa so you can give notice and get married. Once married he'll then submit the I-130 and you'll then go through consular processing (online and through the London Embassy) with the DS-260. The challenging bit here will be time. Once this application goes in, you will not be able to go to the US until the whole process is approved and any visits will be down to him coming to you. The positive is the 24 total fees is around $1485. The downside is the time. Currently, depending on the service centre the application goes through (state dependant) it would take 10-14 months to get the I-130 approved before the consular processing (could take 3-4 months.. depends on how quick the couple get their required bits completed). The upside is you'd have your green card mailed to you within 2-3 weeks of landing on US soil. So if you time it well, any gap in employment could be pretty minimal.

Things to consider:
. Immigration lawyer doesn't necessarily speed the process up. Just that sanity check to ensure the application goes in without anything missing or mistakes... it'll cost handsomely too... think $10,000+
. He'll need to be earning 125% of the national poverty line.. 2024 value for a couple with no dependants is $25,550 per year. Figure will change if children is involved so dependant on custody arrangements, that'll need to be factored in.
. You'll need to provide substantial evidence that your marriage is bona-fide. Combined finances, photos, paperwork from visits to each other, chat/call logs and sworn affidavits from family/friends.

It sounds a lot and it sounds intense. But if you both feel the same, then it would be worth going for.

Just be aware that if you move there and you have children together and then for whatever reason break up, you would need his consent to take the children with you if you wanted to move back to the UK for more family support. This is until they are all 18. He could successfully petition a UK court to enforce a return of the children to the US, since this is an international law.

If you want to go to America anyway, can work there independently with your career, you are good at making new friendships and not close to your UK family, it could be worth considering.

You're still in the honeymoon stage as you always see each other when you're on holiday. I'd think really like and hard about why his relationship with his kids is like it is. And if you have kids you won't be able to leave without his permission - if things go sour are you ok with that?

“You're still in the honeymoon stage as you always see each other when you're on holiday. I'd think really like and hard about why his relationship with his kids is like it is. And if you have kids you won't be able to leave without his permission - if things go sour are you ok with that?”

This.

@roundandroundinmyhead - you don’t have children so you don’t realise how inadequate his parenting is. If he can spend months with you, he could be spending a good chunk of that time with his DCs. It’s a bad sign that he isn’t.

And you’ve said they’re young. Yet he’s already split with their mother and is a pretty absent father who chooses spending time with you on a kind of extended holiday over being with his young DCs. I may be completely wrong but I suspect he may be one of those guys who’s great at the fairytale and totally flaky when things get real (like when you have children).

It's not that easy to move to the US OP (I speak from experience). Are you two talking about getting engaged and going the fiancée visa route? If so, you need to apply for that visa here in the UK and you need to wait until you've got it before you can move there.

I know it's hard to gaze into the future and be clear about what it holds, but realistically, if your BF already has kids and you are moving there to be with him, a man with whom it appears you're ready to take the next step, it could be a permanent move. So how do you feel about potentially moving to the US permanently? If you marry, and particularly if you have kids with him, those kids will be ordinarily resident in the US and it will be very difficult indeed for you to return home with them, even if the relationship breaks down. So try to use your head and not just your heart. It's a really big deal to move country/continent on a permanent basis and you need to be as sure as you can be that it's the right thing. Don't have rose-tinted spectacles. Be honest and realistic and try to imagine how things will be 10 or 20 years from now.