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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he right and is something wrong with me?

36 replies

Mumof3love2 · 14/02/2024 23:29

My OH (16 years together) booked a table for valentine's day 3 weeks ago for today, kids were going to have a planned activity next to us and we would have a bit of time to chat.

40 min before leaving I decided to connect my phone on computer to get pictures out (kids were all busy) and same time was looking for something for the kids.
Husband said 30 min, 10 min but i was so engrossed that I didn't really notice it.
At the time he planned to leave he said time is up and I stopped the computer but I had to put kids to the toilet and get them ready to leave.
OH told me there is no point to go we won't have the table if late.
He took it very personally that I missed the timing (tbh I am always a last minute person) and he told me that shows him that I don't care anymore.
He told me that the relationship is over, that he deserves better.
6 months ago he was about to leave due to the way I spoke to him, according to him I spoke in a way that doesn't care about him.
He said that anyone would say I am wrong and not nice.
He spends so much time on his phone nowadays that I find hard to have time together. He is on burnout, difficult time so I don't want him to take a decision harshly.
I am lost... What do you think?

OP posts:
Notsoslim · 14/02/2024 23:35

I would find that annoying if I made an effort to book something for a special occasion and my partner was faffing about.

That said, this reaction sounds disproportionate. It sounds as if he may be looking for an excuse to end the marriage and it’s about much more than this. He’s either harbouring a lot of resentment up about various things or he’s having some sort of emotional affair with someone.

Also, could he not have got the kids ready while you were on your computer?

TheInfusionist · 14/02/2024 23:35

Was he, during that countdown, doing something important that meant he couldn't get the kids ready, to the loo and in the car/ready to start walking? Since he could presumably see you were busy.

If he was rushing around doing laundry/saving lives/working from home and you continued to do a non-necessary task that made you late, he has a point and I'd be pissed off with you in that situation too.

If he was just expecting you to do everything, he's an arse and you'll find life easier without him.

Notevenslightlydamp · 14/02/2024 23:35

Well there's clearly a lot of other stuff going on, but I have no idea why you started messing about with the computer just before you were going out to the extent that you couldn't be ready on time. There was also no reason he could not have got the children ready himself.

Hiddenvoice · 14/02/2024 23:39

It seems like this was maybe the last straw. I agree with a pp though, was he doing something busy that he couldn’t help get the children ready?
I would be disappointed in my partner if I arranged a date and had to keep giving him a count down of when to go so he was ready on time. I’d be deflated that they weren’t together enough to make sure they were sorted for the right time and would also feel a bit of an afterthought.

Sorry to say, it seems like your marriage has been going through a difficult patch for a while now. It looks like you’re both getting annoyed at each other so need to decide if you want to fight for the marriage or not.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2024 23:40

If everyday living is this fraught with toxicity and blatant indifference, just end it already. Life's too short.

Icantbedoingwithit · 14/02/2024 23:42

That would do my head in OP. I hate that last min shit, it’s rude.

Fairygoblin · 14/02/2024 23:48

I don't blame him tbh. He made time for you and you busied yourself elsewhere which I would find disrespectful and unappreciative. You found something you'd rather be engrossed in instead of enjoying anticipating a nice night out with your partner

SamW98 · 15/02/2024 00:01

If I had made plans with my partner and we both knew that we had to be ready at a certain time, I would be absolutely pissed off if they started faffing around on something unnecessary shortly before we were due to leave and lost track of time. IMO you were really rude and disrespectful.

What was so important that it couldn’t wait til you got home? So I don’t blame him for his reaction tbh.

The rest of your post is too vague to pass judgment tbh

pinkdelight · 15/02/2024 00:05

(tbh I am always a last minute person)

That would drive me fucking nuts. After 26 years of this, I'd have had enough too.

pinkdelight · 15/02/2024 00:05

*16

Throwawayme · 15/02/2024 00:09

Yeah that was rude. If you knew he said 30 mins, 10 mins, you did hear him and just ignored it. I'd be pissed off too if I'd arranged something special but my partner thought dicking about on the computer was more important.

bottomsup12 · 15/02/2024 00:12

He might be right if you are never on top of things however is that because he doesn't help with any of this stuff? Could he not have got the kids ready? Why is it up to you?

Fairygoblin · 15/02/2024 00:16

bottomsup12 · 15/02/2024 00:12

He might be right if you are never on top of things however is that because he doesn't help with any of this stuff? Could he not have got the kids ready? Why is it up to you?

She wasn't getting the kids ready though, she was on the computer

Dery · 15/02/2024 09:39

There’s a lot to unpick here. Your actions were odd and rude and in his shoes I would have been pissed off. That said, his response seems like an overreaction and as PP said - why couldn’t he have been getting your kids ready for bed? Btw: always being last minute is selfish - you’re always eating into other people’s time and creating stress for them. It’s not okay. I’m speaking as someone who used to be the same and I look back and realise how selfish I was.

SpringleDingle · 15/02/2024 10:09

I'd be bloody fuming if my partner got engaged in computer stuff and ignored my warnings of a departure time coming up and then made us late. I HATE being late and I'd consider this completely disrespectful. This might well be a relationship ender for me. Having to wait for a last minute person all the time must be so so annoying.

Have you been speaking to him in an unkind or uncaring way?

If I were you I'd look at my actions and think whether maybe this is on you - at least part on you!

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2024 10:13

SpringleDingle · 15/02/2024 10:09

I'd be bloody fuming if my partner got engaged in computer stuff and ignored my warnings of a departure time coming up and then made us late. I HATE being late and I'd consider this completely disrespectful. This might well be a relationship ender for me. Having to wait for a last minute person all the time must be so so annoying.

Have you been speaking to him in an unkind or uncaring way?

If I were you I'd look at my actions and think whether maybe this is on you - at least part on you!

But, knowing you had 30 minutes left, and your partner was doing something, would you not get the kids on the loo and ready to go? Or would you stand there and leave it all to them?

GingerIsBest · 15/02/2024 10:16

You were rude to be ignoring the time and not paying attention knowing you had a set departure time.

He was being ridiculous not getting the kids ready - why does that always have to be you.

I don't really understand the rest of the post but overall it sounds like you don't have a great relationship.

Meagainnewname · 15/02/2024 10:20

30 minutes before I’m due to leave the house, I’m not sitting around doing stuff on the computer/phone, I’m getting ready, sorting my bag out checking I’ve got purse / money, anything else I may need, also I’d be giving my hair a brush, checking shoes are clean, etc,etc.

HideTheCow · 15/02/2024 10:23

I get ready first so I can drop anything I choose to do before I leave. I hate being late, it is fucking rude. You are always last minute and he has just had enough, I get it. You zoned him out whilst he was counting you down like a 5 year old, you knew he was unhappy and ready to leave 6 months ago, how could you not see this coming?

ComingHome24 · 15/02/2024 10:28

So you didn’t actually go out at all? What a shame when it was planned and booked. I would have been peed off with you and assumed you didn’t care enough to be ready on time. I do agree with pps he could have sorted the kids.

MermaidEyes · 15/02/2024 10:28

Meagainnewname · 15/02/2024 10:20

30 minutes before I’m due to leave the house, I’m not sitting around doing stuff on the computer/phone, I’m getting ready, sorting my bag out checking I’ve got purse / money, anything else I may need, also I’d be giving my hair a brush, checking shoes are clean, etc,etc.

Yes this. No wonder OPs husband was pissed off tbh. I also hate 'last minute' people. It's a bullshit excuse.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 10:29

He sounds like my ex who blames me for leaving my while pregnant for me always being late and asking him questions while he was relaxing (which was all the time as he was incredibly lazy!)

I think he wants to leave or is unhappy and is projecting all of the blame onto you, convincing himself (and you!) that if only you could fix these behaviors causing stress then all would be fine.

I'm sure he has plenty of his own bad habits
Though op, why don't both of you focus on him too?

If you think it's a loving relationship then you could go to counselling but I think it might be done as this guy clearly has no accountability or self reflection he just wants to bully and control you.

Ps to ppl saying that running late is annoying yes I hear you but I doubt it's a new thing and men who actually really love their wives will accept some flaws in them and work around them

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 10:33

Ps what did you say when you apparently spoke unkindly to him?

Does he always speak kindly to you?

TheShellBeach · 15/02/2024 10:37

So did you end up not going out, after all that.

I'd be very annoyed if my husband wasn't ready to leave at the right time.

YABU.

Naunet · 15/02/2024 12:48

Fairygoblin · 15/02/2024 00:16

She wasn't getting the kids ready though, she was on the computer

Show quote history

Yes and neither was he, but then had a fit when she had to do it. He did exactly the same as she did, other things until it was time to go, but because he sees the kids as her job, it must be her fault they weren’t already done.

Having said that, OP, if you are often late for things like this I would get pissed off too, it does give the impression you don’t care.