unsure how to feel about my relationship

[SassyNavyBear]

Hello,
I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We don't live together. I have two school aged kids and he has young adult children. I've been ambivalent about this relationship on and off from the beginning. My ex was really attractive, but always unavailable, not wanting to do things as a family and prioritising work. I was miserable for many, many years and then finally divorced in 2020. I joined online dating in 2022 and went on around 25 dates with different guys before meeting my guy. I was crazy about him for a short while, I loved his company and in all honesty i was very horny. Sex took a while to get where it needs to be, but it is still more difficult for me to orgasm than it used to be with my ex. I also feel that my attraction for my boyfriend comes in waves. There are aspects of him that I find very attractive and then other times I almost feel icky. I usually get in the mood though with foreplay and just going for it and he is really focused on trying to make me happy.
The areas that are working well include him being a great company, fun to be around, great with friends, family and most importantly my kids. Always up for doing things. Helpful and generous with what he has. All friends and family like him as he is genuinely a nice guy.
The other area that bothers me sometimes is that I don't see how we could ever live together or join finances. Because of his past decisions and past lifestyle, he has very little and also lacks ambition. He takes time to grab opportunities and doesn't have the drive or doesn't believe that he can make his own kids' life better. I am ok financially and I am not looking for a relationship for financial gains obviously. It's just a shame that it is quite unequal. He pays his way, but for instance we can't invite his kids places unless I offer to pay. He can really only afford to look after himself.
I know relationships are not perfect though, so I'm wondering whether I should just accept and embrace this and focus on the positives? I'm also not perfect and he thinks I'm hot and great. He gives me a lot of love and attention and I'm also loving towards him as I genuinely love him and enjoy his company, but also have these concerns about sex and the future. What do people think?

Sometimes i think that these reasons are shallow eg attraction, difference in income and life experience..

Attraction I wouldn't worry about as long as you enjoy physical intimacy with him. Don't compare him to exes.

The other two points are more fundamental points around compatibility. Life experience in particular. It might be difficult to go deeper if you have fundamental differences like that. Would you be happy with the relationship staying as it us?

He sounds like a good guy and sooner or later someone will realise it, who also respects his life choices. You should go after that unicorn though.

Thank you for your reply. I think if things were to stay as they are I would be happy, but also feel like a bit meh, like perhaps I’ve compromised a bit. For instance I won’t be able to do things with him due to his income what I would want to in the future. He has no plans for his pension for instance and gets paid a little above minimum wage. This is frustrating as we are in mid forties.
in terms of enjoying intimacy, I do, but I also feel that either because of peri menopause or the attraction or hormones or something else I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to in the past. I often feel a bit meh in the end, although the build up is usually great. That might be physical rather than anything related to him thought.
sometimes I wonder about grass being greener, but maybe it isn’t

Well that’s what I’m thinking as well. He could meet someone who would be absolutely crazy about him.
You’re saying then that grass is not greener and I should get back on planet earth. That’s fair.

Lack of a healthy ambition and apathy are deal breakers for me - accepting / expecting me to pay for his kids? I'd lose the little attraction that I have tbh.

I am! I think you are bonkers, the fella you described sounds great and you fit together and he makes an effort and turns up when needed and he thinks you are hot and great. Go be hot and great for him. Let him be present and considerate for you.

A lot of single men find themselves in precarious financial situation post divorce so you might not be able to meet someone who is financially sound as you. I think it is worth delving into why you seem to feel ‘meh’ about this person who has as you describe really wonderful qualities. Is the lack of physical attraction an issue here?

What lifestyle choices?

I’m with @powerfullymoving on the lack of ambition but I had a poor childhood so was a massive striver. Social mobility is hard and even harder now but no way would I want someone who was actually making me poorer and expecting me to sub his kids. I wouldn’t care how nice he was.

He sounds lovely. The fact that you sometimes find him "icky" is not great however - I would be wary 9f that as attraction does not tend to increase with length of relationship.

However the massive thing that stands out to me from your post is that you ARE looking to date for financial gain to some extent - at least you want a partner who will augment your finances if possible. Maybe because you find his relative poverty compared to you unattractive? I don't know.

Personally I would find your attitude to material wealth unattractive - but luckily you aren't looking to date me! Loads of women do have this approach to dating - I have known people being totally open about the fact that they won't date people or a lower income. I think it's repulsive, but there you go. It's a common attitude on here as it's quite a right wing site.

He won't get any richer. So you may as well move on, and leave this lovely man for someone who appreciates his lovely qualities, of which there will be plenty!

Hello, thanks for the reply. Yes, I think he just doesn’t believe that he can make his financial situation better, so is just happy to carry on. He doesn’t expect me to pay for them, but I feel and that for instance we’ve gone on trips and they can’t join us as he can’t pay for them, but would pay for himself. He pays very little child maintenance for his daughter who is still in education (£65 a month) and I find it shocking that he feels ok ish about it and is not striving to improve his situation as a matter of urgency. Whereas im under so much pressure to provide best life for my kids from varied food to activities and trips.

I get that. This is not the case though. He always had little assists and lives in a council house. If we moved in together for instance, he’d loose the house and would loose his benefits top ups, so either I would be subsidising him or he would be worse off. And I wouldn’t afford or want to that and he wouldn’t want that either.
i agree, I sometimes wonder do I feel meh because there is no drama, he is so available? I had a difficult childhood and as did he, but whereas I think it made him passive a bit, it made me want to feel excitement and strive for more of this makes sense.

He used to drink a lot, but is now teetotal for several years. That affected his finances, looks and lack of life experience and education. His parents didn’t work and didn’t encourage him to achieve either.
he doesn’t expect anything for me and contributes financially, pays his way.

I don’t agree or disagree with you. I don’t think I date him for financial gain, that’s why I’ve been with him for 18 months and don’t expect a diamond ring any time soon 🤣 however as the relationship is becoming more and more serious, am I wrong to consider how compatible we are long term? For instance I’m on 52k which is really not a lot when you deduct tax and pension payments etc and it just about helps me and the kids to have a decent ish life. I have a house with a mortgage. I think part of me is happy to always live on my own and keep doing things by myself, but small part of me thinks it would be great to be a team with someone and we can make both our lives better whether it’s because of sexual intimacy, lifestyle, support for each other you know? I so also think that there is something attractive about a man that strives to make his family’s life better and wants to support his partner. I think my guy kind of does as well and there are things he does that are other way eg helping with the kids, diy, but for instance won’t necessarily apply for a better job as it’s too soon, he is happy where he is etc.
i do think that as women we don’t find that kind of passiveness attractive generally. But yes, he deserves to find someone who would be excited about the qualities he has. His job is fulfilling for him and he should feel proud of himself where he is and not have someone wishing he was better looking, better financially off etc.

I think your concerns are valid. Life is not easy and you should put your financial stability and future first. He is not going to enhance it, he is most likely to compromise it at some point.

See, I wouldn’t like that
It is about the mindset
And mental laziness

He probably also has some deep negative beliefs about money which are very hard to overcome

Hey, I have been there - I’m better off as a single parent now then I was with my ex husband and two incomes because

1- he did not think he could improve (not only financially but in other areas) whereas I was always looking to improve in every single way

2- he was a big spender and hated being within a budget

3- he did not mind being in debt

I’m the opposite so beyond the financial struggle, we had very conflicting attitudes towards money

After divorce, I trippled my income in a new job that is not only a lot easier, I love a lot more and gives me excellent opportunities for growth and I can actually make a name for myself and build a solid career. I started at this from the ground and I’m working my way up, learning so much each day, gives me a lot of satisfaction.

My ex was holding me back not only because of his lack of ambition and apathy but energetically. He was a hard worker and very dedicated to his trade, he just lacked self belief and confidence which left he open to be exploited a lot. He is unemployed since covid (doing odd gigs for money and back with his parents) and don’t have the ambition / courage to get put himself out there and get what he deserves. He honestly is one of the best in his industry.

I have a BF now who earns 3x more than I do and on top of that treats me better than any other man in the past (I’ve had lots of relationships, married twice).
He ticks all my non negotiables boxes and the ones that he doesn’t are the superficial stuff that I can let go or learn to love because is part of what makes him who he is.
And yep, he cherishes and honours me too.

So you will never find an unicorn because a 100% human doesn’t exist. But get clear on what you really want from a man / relationship and don’t settle.

Just because this one is good enough it doesn’t mean you can’t find a better fit.

And as ppl said above he deserves someone who has no doubts about him and loves him for who he is.

Post his number here so all the MNetters that would love to have him can give him a chance 🙂.

He is so available because he is not using his time for self improvement.

You want a man who is available to a certain degree but is also busy working and building / mantaining his life - hobbies, passions - studying - good friends.

Do you think you are at risk to become the centre of his life? The only good thing he has going?

Money isn't important to me in dating. But I don't want to be with someone who cannot support themselves and their own children. Especially if it is likely to get worse rather than better in the long term. There's a lot of potential for resentment. For me it would be an incompatibility not because I want a partner to have money but because I want things to feel reasonably equal. Nothing repulsive about that surely.

Well you could say he’s the one looking to date for financial gain, seeing as she’s the one paying for his kids to go places.

Regardless of finance, ambition etc just the way you’re posting about him it doesn’t sound like you’re massively compatible and that this is a relationship with a future.

Personally if I felt like you about my partner after 18 months, I would be calling it quits.

I agree with @Ilovelurchers and I think the main issue is how many times you have mentioned sex, attraction etc which is obviously important to you (and that's fine - it is to me too!) BUT if you're already finding him "icky" then that will not get better in time.

The finances and other stuff might change in time but I know from personal experience, to get the ick early doors is a bad sign....

yep, you are right about everything.
How did you end it with your ex? Must have been hard. I wonder if I would regret it…

I feel the same as you.

Yep. There are also other feelings that keep this going right… having a laugh together, being friends, great with kids etc etc A lot to loose as well, but should I be so ambivalent all the time

It comes in waves. When I saw him first time I thought he looked great. There are aspects of his appearance and how he conducts himself that I love. Not wanting to reveal too much, but as an example he is tall and strong, but then aspects of him that at are less appealing. I’m trying to be careful not to say too much, but it’s some of the common icky situations like smells, weight, teeth, bodily hair, how someone eats, choice of vocabulary, table manners, skin condition etc etc. I think you could think I’m quite shallow and also I’m not perfect either! But this is the thing about ick that it doesn’t care about our ethical values I suppose? I actually look worse myself since being with him as even less time for usual activities.
the ick he gives me is based on past lifestyle choices and neglecting himself in the past and not prioritising or not thinking that some of it is important. Sorry to be vague, but I honestly said already too much!
I also think maybe the ick would take happen if he had more aspirations and I could look up to him a bit more. But basically he is skint and he looks it as well I suppose. It’s not a nice way to describe someone and honestly if he was my friend it wouldn’t bother me at all. But it is supposed to be my sexual partner and I don’t think I have a huge amount of control over how I feel attracted to him or not