SIL nightmare!! Advice please

[Vacumwondering]

Me and DP have been together 3 years.

We have known each other 16 Years, both have children from different relationships, I have my DC full time and he has his DC 50/50.

Every opportunity to dig me out SIL takes it. And mostly about my step DD. She is so keen to praise her mum (in my opinion is a nightmare as we have to deal with her) she is quick to add anything to a conversation that related to her ‘darling niece’ whom she rarely bothers to see.

Iv tried to be friendly, I’ve tried to please, I’ve tried taking a step back, removing myself from the group chats etc but she continues. As it’s Valentine’s Day today she has been all over the fact that DP should be considering his DD as his ‘true Valentine’ in her words and ‘no one else will come close’ it’s starting to really get under my skin. DO does defend me out in the open and at home tells me to just ignore her, but I can’t. Everything I do or get, for example when we got engaged, the first thing she said was ‘will you be buying step daughter a ring too?’ I mean wtf?

She has accused me of financially abusing her brother (I earn and pay my way very well!!!), she doesn’t invite me to ‘family only’ things - although his parents do. No idea what to make of it. I should add she doesn’t have any children of her own!

how do I deal with it??

Stop having anything to do with her. See her at family functions with everyone there and outside of that don't see or talk to her. Remove her opportunity to have her little jibes at you.

Block her, don’t engage, if she is at family events say hello and that’s it

let your other half deal with her

How do you still know what she says?

If you are still communicating with her in any way, then it's all on you at this point.

What a melter. Is she good mates with her ex sil? What does your partner say to all this as I'm sure they've said something to her by now

YABU to waste any mental energy entertaining her nonsense. She's clearly nuttier than squirrel shit, so why on earth does it matter what the silly mare thinks of you? My MIL is like this and I get through our (mercifully rare) encounters using a combination of grey rock and bullshit bingo. Life is too short to tangle with people like this.

how do I deal with it??

You don't. You don't engage with her. At all. If you see her on rare occasion, you acknowledge her politely if you must, then completely disengage. She is not your problem, and whatever nonsense that comes out of her mouth is none of your concern. All this emotional energy you're giving to her is just a waste of your time. She just doesn't matter.

You lost me when you started discussing SIL's breeding status.

Do the repeat method.

Eg SIL ‘no one comes close’

Repeat her words to her ‘no one comes close?’

stay silent and let her explain her reasoning - she’ll be stunned having heard how she says - do this everyone and she’ll stop doing it because she has to explain herself.

This is perfect? I may start using this on MiL!

How do you know what she's been saying/ writing? Just block her or ignore her. Don't have anything to do with her.

And you've lost the rest of us with the use of that terminology.

It’s actually quite creepy that she thinks your DP should consider his own daughter as his “true valentine” and he should buy his daughter a ring when he got engaged to you.

Very creepy actually.

And I don’t think I’d be able to resist pointing that out to her.

Just smile, nod and ignore/move on.

Firstly you accept that this woman is highly unlikely to ever accept you whilst also understanding it is nothing personal you have done to cause her behaviour.

When you see her (if you must) be civil and keep conversations short, give away the bare minimum about your life and plans.

See it as a blessing she doesn’t invite you to things!!

Go very low contact. Be civil when you see her. You obviously live rent free in her head, it will drive her nuts if you ignore it

Thanks all. I have tried ignoring over the years but my DP is close to his parents and she is always there/around etc so it’s been impossible to not have more contact that I would like with her.

I have spoken to DP and he is quite happy for me not to engage with her, she gets on his tits too with a lot of the rubbish she comes out with.

There is a main group chat which I am in but muted it because it’s constant jibes, I only dip in when it’s about picking up the little one or something the older parents need etc.

so I see the stuff this way sometimes plus she calls DP sometimes to talk and I over hear what she is saying to him 🙄

I just don’t understand how she can be so obsessed with literally nothing of her concern?!

No, she proclaims to hate her but she often mentions her. Could be ‘oh I see EX the other day and she is now XYZ’ or more recently she chose to mention to me that DP was devastated when they split she has never seen him like that about anyone etc - this was at FIL’s birthday dinner 🙄🙄🙄

Only relevant because she has odd views on raising children. In her view DP should be sleeping in his DD’s bedroom 😳 in case she needs him at all in the night (she is 8!), she once told me I wasn’t ‘grateful enough’ for my DD as I let her go for sleepovers and out with her friends (my DD is 13!) it’s completely weird tbh and I think it’s because she doesn’t understand having children

Honestly I have thought this. I really don’t understand what she means by this, I think she just believes that DP should prioritising her in absolutely everything

I would just reply with a relaxed “what an odd perspective” or “what an odd thing to say” every time she says something like this, and then move straight on to a different topic. Don’t get wound up if she challenges you back, just rinse and repeat. Make her look like a dick.

But I would also reduce all contact. On WhatsApp, leave that group and start a separate group with just your DP and his parents, and say you were finding the wider group a bit hard to navigate but wanted them to be able to ask you for support etc so have created this new group. Then block her.

If you know she is going to be at an event, just don’t go if you won’t enjoy it.

There is some really good advice on this thread, ask her the question back - if face to face - otherwise 'how odd that you think that' to everything else. I would leave the family whatsapp - cos I hate them - just tell those who matter to you to ping you directly and block her on everything

Ultimately your DP has to be on the similar page and telling her that she's being ridiculous about the bedroom, the ring, the valentine. I'm assuming her own father didn't do this, so why is she expecting her brother to do this?

She's the weirdo. seriously.

Can you block her on WA so you don't see each other in the group?

I like the suggestion of saying "how odd" when she spouts off. Or just look at her then completely change the subject.

Thank you all!

I am definitely going for the ‘that’s odd’ comments next time!

I did leave the group before and she added me back! And my DP said to just stay in it because his parents worried that we had all fallen out 🙄 and kept calling him asking him if things were ok. She is admin so she obviously told them I left it

It sounds like she’s jealous of you or resents how you and her brother got together. Was there any cheating involved? She doesn’t approve of you for coming into the family, ppl can get very territorial. Maybe she’s jealous that you have children. Easier said than done but maybe when you’re alone ask her what her problem is - if she feigns ignorance you can lost list several (dozen) examples of where’s she’s made snide comments. Put her on the spot. If she does it again after, in front of other ppl call her out - “There, you’ve done it again. Is everything ok?” Maybe pretending to be concerned for her mental and emotional health will make it more tolerable for DP and family.