SIL nightmare!! Advice please

[Vacumwondering]

Me and DP have been together 3 years.

We have known each other 16 Years, both have children from different relationships, I have my DC full time and he has his DC 50/50.

Every opportunity to dig me out SIL takes it. And mostly about my step DD. She is so keen to praise her mum (in my opinion is a nightmare as we have to deal with her) she is quick to add anything to a conversation that related to her ‘darling niece’ whom she rarely bothers to see.

Iv tried to be friendly, I’ve tried to please, I’ve tried taking a step back, removing myself from the group chats etc but she continues. As it’s Valentine’s Day today she has been all over the fact that DP should be considering his DD as his ‘true Valentine’ in her words and ‘no one else will come close’ it’s starting to really get under my skin. DO does defend me out in the open and at home tells me to just ignore her, but I can’t. Everything I do or get, for example when we got engaged, the first thing she said was ‘will you be buying step daughter a ring too?’ I mean wtf?

She has accused me of financially abusing her brother (I earn and pay my way very well!!!), she doesn’t invite me to ‘family only’ things - although his parents do. No idea what to make of it. I should add she doesn’t have any children of her own!

how do I deal with it??

Nothing really to add to some good advice above but she sounds like an absolute twat. The innocently questioning tactic can be a good one. And completely mentally disengaging / dropping the rope with her. You can't argue with crazy!

I think this is the bottom line she is a bit jealous but I think generally she is just quite interfering and wants everything her own (warped) way - going to ignore it more now.

It’s a shame as I only really tried with her this long because of DP, and the fact I was fed a line by SIL that all of DP’s partners were ‘bitches, judgy, stopped her from having a relationship with her brother’ 🙄all things she probably says about me now

Anytime she says something ridiculous politely ask her what she means. Keep asking. Make her explain what she means about Valentines, etc. Every time. If you politely put her on the spot every time she says something ridiculous eventually she'll be more careful about what she says around you.

Wow that’s really clear she’s jealous of you now if she was saying about the others interfering with the relationship with her brother rihjt from the get go! It’s like she was setting the ground rules to your relationship from the off.

It’s a shame men don’t usually pick up on the subtle (and not so subtle) nuances that women do with other women - they’re usually completely oblivious and you’re made to feel like you’re imagining things or being a bitch and generally looking for trouble. I think the bottom line is it’s just easier if they don’t see the problem. Because then they’d have to deal with it.

I think maybe have a word with her though if only to establish that you’re the one in the relationship with him and lay some boundaries. Other than that try to remain passive and polite - she may be seeking to get a rise out of you so she can point this behaviour out to her brother to cause trouble. It sounds like very weird possessive behaviour to me. Not unusual with MIL’s but very weird with sisters!

Good luck with it!

You can change WhatsApp settings so you can't be added automatically to a group, just invited. It's up to you whether or not to join then.

OP should laugh next time and say “That’s what Donald Trump would do!”

(it is)

I'd just laugh. Whenever she made one of these comments.

If she said, 'What's so funny?' I would reply, 'Goodness. Were you serious? I thought you were making a joke'. And I'd laugh again.

It will either annoy her or make her realise that she's not getting to you and she's making a fool of herself. Either way that's a win.

I wish I could have the self restraint of so many others on this thread.
Personally, I'd pull her up and have it out. Preferably in front of PIL so they can witness the shit you've been putting up with and hopefully shame SIL into shutting her mouth.

But I'm a fight over flight type of person - not proud of it, it's a very stressful existence!

I'd smile and nod.
I'd not say a word to her or ask her or repeat her words. I'd not give any weight to what came out her mouth.
Smile, nod and graceful glide above her.

Bit weird. I mean a grown man sending his daughter a valentines card, buying her an engagement ring and sleeping in her room is a good way to end up with the police checking your hard drive.

@Vacumwondering I think you should tell pil what sil is doing and saying. I dont think they should be protected from her behaviour because she is a result of the way she was brought up. what were the circumstances of you dp's breakup with his ex? did she cheat to make him so devastated? I would be calling her out immediately wherever it happened even raising my voice, i would not take that shit from anyone. dont you allow her to do this to you. your dp needs to stand up to her a lot more because she is not the head of your family. who else is in the wider whatsapp group? pretty sure they can all see what is going on here too.