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Original poster

Unhappy in relationship

35 replies

ali3000 · 14/02/2024 08:36

Im really unhappy in my relationship. Ive been with dp 14 years and we have grown apart so much. We spend more time ignoring each other than talking. He puts me down, makes me feel stupid and likes to belittle me. when i call him out 'it's all in my head'. he bores
me so much. if he finds interest in a topic, then thats it, for days on end thats all
he will talk about, then gets annoyed with me for not finding it as interesting as him then will put me down for it. i have decided to leave him, but he has a big special birthday coming up in 6 weeks. in my situation, would you stick it out until after his birthday or just leave? tia

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 14/02/2024 08:45

You have waited 14 years, what is another six weeks?
Be kind; separate with respect for yourself.

Use the six weeks to consider whether there is anything that can be improved to change the situation to a sustainably content one.

Allthewallsarewhite · 14/02/2024 08:49

There's never a good moment to do it. If you are really done and this is it, do it ASAP. Fuck his birthday. If he cared so much about you being there for him on his birthday he could have tried to be a better partner, but he obviously doesn't care enough about you to do that. Why should you care about his birthday. Also I think that 6 weeks is far enough in the future anyways.
Doing it on his actual birthday or the night before wouldn't be ideal timing, but 6 weeks is as good as it gets I think. Otherwise there's always going to be another event on the cards.

CadyEastman · 14/02/2024 09:00

You know the MN cliche, have you got your ducks in a row OP?

solidarityname · 14/02/2024 09:33

Just go.

He treats you like shit and doesn’t like you.

I’d see leaving as giving him the gift of a life free from you and be off with a clear conscience.

solidarityname · 14/02/2024 09:36

user1492757084 · 14/02/2024 08:45

You have waited 14 years, what is another six weeks?
Be kind; separate with respect for yourself.

Use the six weeks to consider whether there is anything that can be improved to change the situation to a sustainably content one.

Please don’t listen to this and start to doubt yourself. You know this relationship is toxic and dead. Well done for getting to that realization, it s always a too long journey.

Don’t waste any more of your life, or his, and go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2024 09:37

What is the point in at all staying for another six weeks just because his birthday is coming up?. There is never any one good time to leave and doing that furthermore kicks the can down the road. Concentrate your energies further on leaving him.

yellowsmileyface · 14/02/2024 09:41

In my experience, there will always be some big event that makes you feel you should wait until after to leave.

He belittles you, makes you feel stupid, and invalidates your feelings.

Why does he deserve the consideration of you making his birthday special? And even if you did wait until afterwards, how soon after do you need to wait for the breakup to not still be associated with his big birthday?

There'll always be a reason not to, but your reasons for wanting to leave trump that.

Helpmeendthisnow · 14/02/2024 09:45

I’ve just started a thread about wanting to end my relationship but a lot of what you’ve said resonates. Do you have DCs to consider? I’m playing the long game - getting a plan in place, not making any rash decisions and ultimately getting straight in my head about how we end the relationship so I have the best outcome for me & DC. We also have a big event coming up (2 week once-in-a-lifetime family holiday). I’m sticking around for that but of course your decision needs to be based on how urgently you need to leave and what the fallout will be if you do/don’t stay for the birthday. Ultimately do what’s best for you.

MinervatheGreat · 14/02/2024 09:47

You might as well go now and make sure you're really really busy on his birthday.

You’ll need a distraction or you’ll find yourself being curious about the day and might soften your
resolve.

Just do it.

Watchkeys · 14/02/2024 09:48

Are you reluctant to leave because it will make him feel bad before his birthday? Ask yourself what he's done over the years to make your life lovely, when your birthday's been coming up. Does he treat you like you're precious?

DRS1970 · 14/02/2024 09:54

It is always a bad time for these things. Also, if he found out afterwards you stayed with him 6 extra weeks, almost living a lie, because of his birthday, it would marr any memory of his birthday and of you. He could then use that against you to show how calculating and cold you are for doing that, for want of a good example. I would get it over with. Hopefully any birthday celebration will help take his mind off it and move on. He really doesn't sound like he deserves to be around you. GL.

Newestname002 · 14/02/2024 10:11

@ali3000

How prepared are you (clear about present and future finances, accommodation etc - "ducks in a row")? Do you have property to sell, other shared assets, etc. Do you share bank accounts?

Posters are right - there's never really a good time to decide and action to leave - just make sure you've done your homework so when you leave you do do to your own advantage. You've made no mention of children so I'm assuming you'd be the only one leaving?

BTW - play cards close to your chest until you have all your arrangements in place. He doesn't sound as though he'd take your decision well - and may well clear funds from shared bank accounts to make life difficult for you. 🌹

Original poster
ali3000 · 14/02/2024 13:07

@Helpmeendthisnow we have 3 dc together. Ive managed to save for a deposit to rent a property so i have a plan in place. He just heavily relies on me to make things 'special' because that is what ive always done, for our childrens birthdays, parents birthdays, Christmas'. Im just relied on to do it all. So without me i think he would just do nothing for his birthday. But then, he has never made any real effort for any of my birthdays. I really resent him. I don't enjoy my life with him, he takes all the joy from everything with his negativity. I just wish I didn't feel guilty about leaving sooner

OP posts:
Helpmeendthisnow · 14/02/2024 14:45

I feel like we could be married to the same person! If you/your children have nothing to gain by staying for his birthday, then don’t. It’s not up to you to make his day special. And huge well done for saving for a deposit.

NecessaryNC24 · 14/02/2024 14:47

Dont leave it as long as I did, nearly 20 years ! Life is so much better on the other side.

Original poster
ali3000 · 14/02/2024 19:46

We're not talking at the minute because he's 'annoyed' no one wanted the same thing has him for lunch and moaned about how he tried but we have to all be awkward and make 'his life difficult' i mean theres 5 of us with different taste buds, were not going to all want the same thing. And i always sort the childrens meals out but because he attempted it this one time he's acting like were being ungrateful. So
Now he's giving me the silent treatment which i enjoy because now he's not boring me with his endless conspiracy theories. My hate for him is growing daily. He turns everything into a negative and puts the blame on me. I don't see why he can't see his behaviour is a problem.

OP posts:
Radiohat · 14/02/2024 20:19

Sounds like you are completely done. No point in sorting out his birthday unless you actually want to.

A conversation needs to be had but you also need to make sure you are safe when you have the talk.

You will feel better when it is done. You sound 100% positive so good luck with everything.

Thepossibility · 14/02/2024 20:33

I wouldn't be hanging around just so I could make his birthday special, especially if he never does that for you. I would probably piss off faster to avoid it.

Mmhmmn · 14/02/2024 20:34

Allthewallsarewhite · 14/02/2024 08:49

There's never a good moment to do it. If you are really done and this is it, do it ASAP. Fuck his birthday. If he cared so much about you being there for him on his birthday he could have tried to be a better partner, but he obviously doesn't care enough about you to do that. Why should you care about his birthday. Also I think that 6 weeks is far enough in the future anyways.
Doing it on his actual birthday or the night before wouldn't be ideal timing, but 6 weeks is as good as it gets I think. Otherwise there's always going to be another event on the cards.

Agree. Be kind to yourself - if it was me being left after LTR (am in one) I don't think I would be thinking oh he really should have hung on until after my big birthday. Better to get it done and you can both start moving on sooner.

Opentooffers · 15/02/2024 09:24

Go sooner, specifically so that you don't go to any effort for his birthday- why should you. It might help to try to make your mind feel less guilty about pulling more stopps out for him as sometimes people find it harder and are more shocked and betrayed when they are left shortly after a person has been ever so nice to them. So if you leave now, while he's being a twat and ignoring you, it's will be more understandable for him and it sends a message.
Enjoy your new life.

Olika · 15/02/2024 09:58

Just end it. He says you make his life difficult... well now he can take care of himself and do whatever he wants and eat whatever he wants.

Newestname002 · 17/02/2024 11:04

How are you doing today @ali3000? 🌹

ChocoChocoLatte · 17/02/2024 11:09

Go now. You don't owe him another 6wks OR another birthday.

Original poster
ali3000 · 24/02/2024 21:03

Little update: Ive moved into my new property today and prior to me moving in ive been told by ex dp that im a sh*t person, he's gonna call ss on me (couldn't explain why though) telling me im breaking up a family home and that i should stick it out until our youngest is 10 (she's 2) because it will make it easier for them and that im so selfish and im putting my needs before the childrens. It's gonna be an exhausting few months but I've finally done it.

OP posts:
Olika · 24/02/2024 21:31

Well done. Stay strong.

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