I think lack of friendships has led to depression

[25smallstacey]

Hi,

Thanks in advance for reading.

I am not looking for sympathy but I had a run of bad luck from 2020-2022.....hyperemesis followed by late miscarriages, bad marriage break up, bad relationships after the divorce (this is my own fault though to be fair) and a parent having cancer. These things happen but it hit me pretty hard and as it was the pandemic I think I struggled more than was ideal. Panic attacks and agoraphobia hit me. I went on antidepressants, went through counselling and last summer came out the other side - new job, new house, very relieved to be happy again.

The problem was I became really reclusive during this time. I found companionship in occasional flings and saw my parents/close friends but my outside circle I cut off entirely. My larger friend group sent me texts, invited me to various 40th birthday parties and checked in. I mostly ignored it. I told one friend summer of 2021 in that group that I was struggling but that I didn't want to bother anyone. I shut down entirely, pushed it aside and buried my head in the sand until I was ready.

Last summer when I finally began to feel me again I reached out to everyone, explained (without going into too much detail) and arranged to meet up. Some ignored me, some met up and some people were very understanding/kind. As the months have gone on it has become very awkward as many clearly don't wish to have me in their life anymore. I have invited them to events, checked in etc but it's been ignored/turned down.

Last month this came to a head and I got a number of texts saying the friendships had faded and it wasn't fair I didn't reply all that time. They're sorry I had a hard time and they wish me well but they don't see the friendship continuing. It has hit me really hard, I feel like such an idiot that I assumed they might understand and I have been very upset. I haven't been able to shake the regret/pain I caused and I'm really sad that these people (whom I've been very close to for 12 years) will no longer be in my life.

I'm so sorry, this must be very hard.

I hope you will be able to continue to recover from this sadness. You can make new friends and move on.

Maybe some friends will come back but even if they do not, life moves on. Find your new goals and plans for life and make the way you want to go.

Good luck.

I’m sorry you have had such a difficult few years. That sounds so tough.

What I have realised as I’ve got older is that some friends are in your life for just a period of time. Sometimes things that you had in common or that brought you together, no longer exist, and sometimes friendships, fade, or end abruptly. It is of course hurtful.

Can you look to make new ones ? At work or do you have hobbies where you can meet like minded people?

You will find a lot of threads on here with people who feel they don’t really have friends. It’s not usual.
I lost my friendship network when I was pushed out of a job and then DH was unwell. I think I was almost at the point of a breakdown at one point.
People are very strange about illness and death and almost act like it is catching or something. DH had long term friends who completely ghosted him when he was unwell.

Im now a full time carer and I rarely see anyone. To be honest I’ve stopped trying as my life is so dull I don’t think I have anything to offer.
I think if you can I would look to new places to make friends, hobby groups etc. Once people have shelved you it’s impossible to comeback I find, so you need to find new friends if you can. Not easy i understand.

Thank you. I think what hurts is that I know I should have reached out but I avoided even thinking about it. My confidence took a massive dip and I assumed everyone would be better off waiting to see me when I felt better.

But now my confidence feels as though these people don't really care for me.

I have other close friends and I have recently started new hobbies but I think I also need to heal from this and understand my own mistakes too.

This is right. A wise counsellor
Describes this as: -

Friends for a season
Friends for a reason
Friends for life

I am so
sorry you have been through the mill so much. I get what you mean about checking out/ that's how I have been when I have been up against it, sometimes you just have to wade through whatever treacle life chucks your way.

Do you have colleagues you like?
As other posters have said can you do some activities that mean that you're likely to meet some more ppl?

Or could you invite some of the old crowd to something non intense and see how that goes?

Sorry I just re read your op and that you had reached out
For those you have been upset by it's maybe worth giving them a ring and saying what you have here,
Honesty sometimes is the best policy.

Sending you love across the internet anyway

How does your conversation go with people when you meet up? Does it dwell on the past or take an active interest in their lives?

some times when we are trying to explain how we felt about something, we go into it far too deep and the other party starts to feel pretty put off.

my cousin put up a post the other day about being lonely, but she does this fairly regularly and has people saying contact them etc but she doesn’t seem to do so. I’ve offered to meet up with her when in town and she doesn’t turn up or fine tune a meeting time.

just don’t be your own worst enemy…

I invited everyone over to my house for a house warming and that's when I get the 'we're not interested, sorry' message. This was after a few months of awkwardness/feeling left out by some after trying to reappear so I'm not sure what steps I can now take.

I work alone unfortunately but I have joined a weekly hobby lately but confidence is a little low at the moment for new friends I think.

Thanks @changeme4this I don't dwell at all, in fact I brushed past it totally, don't open up as I don't want to talk about it. I make sure to not talk about me much at all really.

I think it’s rather harsh of people to cut you out because you went awol for a while.

your disappearance from social events was due to depression and I’d totally understand why you’d be feeling low after such a tough time. If anything I’d really welcome you back.

I have a couple of friends who have done this- completely pulled back from social events, but have since reached out and want to get back out there. It’s actually really common.

I’m also surprised that they’d actively say they were no longer interested in the friendship- it all sounds very businesslike! I’d see the point if they’d just moved on with their lives, but sounds like they actively want to punish you- I take it they all still hang out together?

I’m Saying all this because I don’t think you are the problem here. I find their behaviour rather harsh, but at least now you know who they are and can make space for new friends who are a bit more understanding.

Thanks @milkingtime. I shared the messages with my now (thankfully wonderful) partner who also thought it was very HR type response. They said 'we understand you had a difficult period but we should have been thought of during that time as we were very close. We would have understood if you had told us what was happening. We wish you the best for the future'.

Some of the group are still my friends (and have been wonderfully kind) so it's pretty awkward now for all involved. They still hang out and I now have to figure out how to move forward with group events

I feel like if I was really worth something to these people, they would still want me but I'm also being really hard on myself with regret at losing them. After a pretty sensitive few years I am not the kindest to myself.

They sound like complete idiots @25smallstacey and completely devoid of compassion. Is there a queen bee type in the group? Sounds like there’s one who was offended by your lack of communication, and has been stirring the pot.

I suspect there has maybe been a bit of jealousy before your problems, but this has been an excuse to push you out the group.

it’s horrible this has happened, and at a time when you’re still recovering. But it really is for the best to have these people out of your life.

and keep hold of the good ones- they have shown what true friends they are.

That sounds hard. I can relate as I've had a hard couple of years and lost friends.

You have been through so much and I think most people really don't understand the impact of things like hyperemesis and miscarriage.

Yes - you need to be kind to yourself.

You did nothing wrong. No friend would behave like this.

Chin up- there are lots of great people out there!

@25smallstacey Do you mean you went AWOL for four years and people didn't know why?

It’s when you in hard time , you found your friends. Those who stay are your friends.

Hi , It sounds like you have had a tough time and I am glad that you have turned a corner .

I think it's sad that the friends you have reached out to and been honest with have not responded as you would have wanted .

I think covid is a factor and I like a lot of people have let friendships drift . I can be quite introverted and do struggle at times with making an effort with friendships .

I think some friendships are also time limited for a particular stage in your life and won't always be long term .

I think life is also more transistory now and people will move jobs / home more often than generations ago . Whilst in some ways it is easier to keep in touch through social media , it also makes it easier to cancel invites etc when you aren't speaking to the person face to face on the phone .

I too have been hurt when I have been dropped by friends and you do revert to feeling like you did in school when you were left out of something .

Sadly there is also a lack of understanding about mental health and how each person will react differently in any given situation . I think if these " friends" aren't able to have any insight or understanding as to what you have gone through then they aren't worthy of your friendship in the first place .

Take care x

You aren’t the problem, they are.
The proper response from a friend realising you had been so unwell would be something along the lines of ‘Im so sorry you have been through so much, I wish I’d known so I could have helped’, not the very formally written ‘F off’ message you received.
You need to reframe it that the trash has taken itself out. They were not friends if they could treat you like that.
Only a narcissist would twist someone else’s suffering and make it about themselves. The fact that you didn’t want to ‘burden’ them with your problems and didn’t open up to them is very telling. Deep down you must have realised these people would not be supportive or kind to you if you told them. You are just seeing it very clearly now.
Im sorry you have been through so much and been treated so harshly. Continue to rebuild yourself, find new people and understand this message - you are not the problem, your ex friends are twats.

I completely agree with @milkingtime. I think it’s really odd to cut out a friend when they’ve gone quiet because they’re having a difficult time or whatever the reason, in fact. It sounds pretty shallow and transactional to me. Not like proper friendship at all. You did nothing wrong. But you can’t force them to accept you back and you can’t put back time. At least you do now know who your true friends are.

And as @TWCITW has said - this was about you but they’ve made it about them. Fairweather friends aren’t worth any tears.

Thank you, everyone has been very kind. I wasn't sure if people would just say 'you treated them badly, suck it up' as that's what I have convinced myself.

I get very introverted when anything happens. I am just the type to need to be alone when things happen. I have many regrets now though, but i'm trying to be kind to myself as I've been really down the past month about this.

I can certainly understand why you feel upset BUT it's also fairly understandable that after not seeing/hearing from you for what sounds like 3-4 years they feel the friendship has run its course. Having a bad period during which you don't feel like meeting up or interacting much is normal but for most people that would last a few months not 4 years. With the best will in the world its rare to be able to "pick up" a friendship as if nothing has happened after such a long time. Friendships often die out after that long without meeting up, without anyone having done anything "wrong".

It's fairly likely at least some of them had some issues or significant events during that period themselves and perhaps they feel like you're a bit of a fairweather friend -like you get to pick and choose when the friendship is "on" and when it's "off" when its convenient for you. Perhaps they are thinking "well I would have really appreciated hearing from 25smallstacey when dad died/baby was born/I was struggling during covid/mum was ill/we got married etc. but nothing. Now SHES in a good place she expects us to drop everything and come to her housewarming."

Not saying this is right but it could explain their POV. Personally if I was them and just didn't see a future in the friendship anymore I would just politely decline the invite and just let the friendhsip peter out rather than going to the effort of basically sending a formal friendship resignation letter, so it's a little odd bit not necessarily rude or mean.

Thanks @easylikeasundaymorn. Yes, I totally understand their side and am very regretful. If I had heard that anything had happened that they needed me for, any bad situation, I would have reached out. I didn't miss any bad events/big moments but yes, it's still not ok behaviour on my part. It was about 2 years, maybe 2 and a half years so that's pretty terrible of me