I think lack of friendships has led to depression

[25smallstacey]

Hi,

Thanks in advance for reading.

I am not looking for sympathy but I had a run of bad luck from 2020-2022.....hyperemesis followed by late miscarriages, bad marriage break up, bad relationships after the divorce (this is my own fault though to be fair) and a parent having cancer. These things happen but it hit me pretty hard and as it was the pandemic I think I struggled more than was ideal. Panic attacks and agoraphobia hit me. I went on antidepressants, went through counselling and last summer came out the other side - new job, new house, very relieved to be happy again.

The problem was I became really reclusive during this time. I found companionship in occasional flings and saw my parents/close friends but my outside circle I cut off entirely. My larger friend group sent me texts, invited me to various 40th birthday parties and checked in. I mostly ignored it. I told one friend summer of 2021 in that group that I was struggling but that I didn't want to bother anyone. I shut down entirely, pushed it aside and buried my head in the sand until I was ready.

Last summer when I finally began to feel me again I reached out to everyone, explained (without going into too much detail) and arranged to meet up. Some ignored me, some met up and some people were very understanding/kind. As the months have gone on it has become very awkward as many clearly don't wish to have me in their life anymore. I have invited them to events, checked in etc but it's been ignored/turned down.

Last month this came to a head and I got a number of texts saying the friendships had faded and it wasn't fair I didn't reply all that time. They're sorry I had a hard time and they wish me well but they don't see the friendship continuing. It has hit me really hard, I feel like such an idiot that I assumed they might understand and I have been very upset. I haven't been able to shake the regret/pain I caused and I'm really sad that these people (whom I've been very close to for 12 years) will no longer be in my life.

It's fairly likely at least some of them had some issues or significant events during that period themselves and perhaps they feel like you're a bit of a fairweather friend -like you get to pick and choose when the friendship is "on" and when it's "off" when its convenient for you. Perhaps they are thinking "well I would have really appreciated hearing from 25smallstacey when dad died/baby was born/I was struggling during covid/mum was ill/we got married etc. but nothing. Now SHES in a good place she expects us to drop everything and come to her housewarming."

Yep, I think this is key. I think it's wrong of them to actually tell you that the friendship is over (it seems like your behaviour has been discussed and the group has split into two factions over it) but I can understand feeling hurt if one of my friends wasn't there for me for my significant (positive or negative) events for four years, then suddenly popped up expecting me to respond to theirs.

I can see how this happened. I'm a bit like you and I very much regret not keeping up with people I like and have let slip to the point where I don't feel able to contact them now. I'd think them justified in thinking a bit like your friends.

You still seem to have some from that group who are sticking with you, so I'd just enjoy their company, and if any of their events involve the others, just go shopping, hold your head high, and show interest in their lives.

You might not have missed any "big life events" but the point is that having not been in contact with them you don't KNOW exactly what you've missed. E.g. a friend's mother had cancer last year, she's fine now but really appreciated the support at the time. If I hadn't seen her for 3 years I'd probably ask "how's your mum?" and she'd say "fine" because her mums fine NOW but that doesn't mean she wasn't stressed and worried at the time. Insert job loss/stress/worry about losing house due to remortgage/death of a pet etc.

I certainly don't think it's terrible of you though.

Just for some people being present continuously is the ultimate marker of a friendship, for others its quality over quantity and they're fine with friendships who they might not speak to for months but who know they will be there for the big things.

I would stick with the ones you are still in touch with and be polite if you see the others at group events - friendships can restart as well as wane. It's not a reflection on you -I can't imagine many people have the exact same friendship groups and connections post covid as we did in 2019.

Relieved to see I'm not the only one thinking this way...

If they know you were going through stuff, it's one thing, but it sounds like they don't know, tried to reach out to you and were ignored?

I've not heard from people for a long time, checked on them, they say they are fine and happy, then I realised they just didn't want to be in touch with me.

If you ignored messages completely, they feel hurt and rejected.

If some of the people I haven't heard from in four years want to come back into my life (which I doubt) they have no idea what's gone on in my life and I don't think I can explain it, or just pick up where we left off. How do I explain the big life stuff? I'm not the same person. Maybe they aren't either.

But some posters are talking like you've been abandoned by friends in times of need - I might have read it wrong.

I think your friends are wrong to treat you like this. But I have found a lot of people are very judgemental and cut people off for what I think are small reasons.
You can not do anything about what has happened. You need to grieve what happened and make new friends.

I’ve been on the other side. I have a very old friend who had a bad thing happen and she fell apart. It’s been 10 years since the event and she’s suffered with depression and anxiety ever since.
Communication is infrequent. I’m constantly on egg shells not knowing when to reach out and when to give her space. She very often won’t reply to messages and I’m left not knowing what to do for the best.
When we do go out she only talks about the event. She doesn’t work anymore so that conversation has gone. She doesn’t really socialise so not much to talk about what she has been up to. I find it a really difficult relationship to maintain. In all honesty I would walk away if I could but she has so few friends left I’d feel like a complete arsehole.

Genuinely interested, do you consider being out of touch for four years a small reason?

@EmmaEmerald if the friend contacts you and explains why then yes I do.

Cool
I suppose my feeling is that I'm very much irrelevant to their life when the gap has been that long.

I don't suppose I'll ever have this happen though so it doesn't matter really. I feel very upset about it, hence posting on the thread.

@EmmaEmerald although I have never done what OP has I can understand. Really traumatic events can make people just withdraw. Its not about you or OPs friends, it is about OP.
People often want to make everything about them when it often is nothing to do with them.

To be clear it was 2 years (2021-2023) and I posted on our chat groups etc to wish people happy birthday etc but I did ignore invites. I didn't want to admit how bad things were. I told one friend in that group in 2022 that I was having a hard time so people did know.

I still haven't fully told anyone what happened, I'm not the type to bother people, so I know they could just think I was being shitty.

Only some friendships last the test of time. They were good friends for some of your life and that’s valuable in its self however. Please forgive yourself and them, thank them for their honesty and workout how to build new meaningful friendships.

Am I right in thinking you’d told one friend you’d had a difficult time but not told everyone and not explained to these friends exactly what happened. Your lack of transparency has bitten you on your bum I expect. You could apologise for being such a rubbish friend and mention the hyperemesis, late miscarriages, bad marriage break up, bad relationships after the divorce and parent having cancer. Explain you shut down being unable to cope but have come out the other side with therapy. You weren’t there when they needed a friend.

Yes, a friend got in touch from that group to ask was I angry with them and I said no and I'm sorry but I was having a difficult time. I also said I didn't wish to reach out because I didn't want to bother them. At that point I probably should have spoken more, but I was very much in the throws of not leaving the house at that stage.

My friends (ex friends I guess) still don't know about all that happened, apart from break up, parent being sick and some crappy dating and how that had led to depression. I'm in counselling now learning how to build up self esteem that in future I'll realise I'm not bothering others. I'm so regretful and it's only reinforced my low self esteem as I'm hurt they've walked away

With the updates you've posted, it may be all sorts of things. One possibility is it's nothing to do with you. Other possibilities include that they don't want to deal with it, or assume that you'll trauma dump etc. An unfair assumption, I know.

Anyway, I hope you find comfort in the friends who are around 💐