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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage is a farce - DH won't communicate

37 replies

sapphire · 22/03/2008 22:28

Really don't know what to do - I'm hoping if I rant on here someone might be able to help. Very long ... apologies in advance

I've been with DH for 5 years, married for just over 2. He's been married before and has one child who we see once a fortnight. I was in a long term relationship and have two kids DD 13 and DS 10 who live with us - DS has ADHD so is a bit of a challenge sometimes.

Before we moved in with DH he was quite a quiet person, shy, but once he relaxed he could be quite chatty - he and I also talked a lot when we were alone. Since we moved in, and even more so since we got married, he's retreated into hi s shell completely, to the extent now that his behaviour is almost hostile - he rarely starts conversations about anything but his work; he never speaks to my kids or asks them how their day has gone; and when we're in company he tends to stare and ignore when someone speaks to jhim, which is really embarrassing.

I've tried so many times in so many ways to talk to him about this and how it makes me feel, but he either ignores me completely, stares and doesn't respond, or physically turns his back on me.

it's reached the point now where the whole idea of us being a couple or a family is a complete joke. He rarely does anything with us and when he does he acts so completely grumpy and miserable the whole time, like he would rather be somewhere else. When his DD is over he and she do things, or if we all go out together it always ends up them going off together, no attempt at being a family. I sometimes wonder if it's just me feels this way but my mum, brother and friends all see him behaving the same and think it's really rude and unacceptable.

yesterday I was taking my kids swimming and asked if he wanted to come, and he did - but in the car and at the pool he didn't s0peak to anyone, in fact he blatantly ignored my kids and my DD's b/f when they spoke to him. We rowed about it later (hmm, not really rowed, as he just clams up) and he said that I obviously didn't want him to come with us, I wouldn't have asked him if I actually wanted him to come .... WTF?????

I am so unhappy .... this whole lack of communication has been going on for nearly three years now and I feel so unloved and i really don't even know if I love or even like DH any more because every time he acts like this it's another nail in the coffin. I'm now starting to look at rented property so that I can move out with my kids ... all complicated because i work from home running a magazine but don't really make anything yet so rent is going to be difficult, but the kids hate being here now so i've got to do something.
Makes me feel so sad though ..... four years ago it seemed like the perfect relationship.

Any advice? Am I rushing into leaving, should I give it more time even though we have been here again and again and again - or should I cut my losses now and make a new life for me and my children?

OP posts:

Janni · 22/03/2008 22:34

Wow. Tough. The things that sprang to my mind when I read your post were a) is he seriously depressed or b) does he have some form of communication disorder like Asperger's?

It sounds like a very miserable situation and I hope someone will be along soon with some good advice for you! xx

Original poster

sapphire · 22/03/2008 22:40

I've thought Aspergers for a long time, in fact I mentioend it to him but of course he disagreed completely. Funny thing is it wasn't till after we were married that he started all this and it's very much the way my dad behaved after he married my mum (though more extreme - my dad at least attempts to make an effort before he zones out in conversations) - and my mum is convinced my dad has Aspergers.

Don't they always say you end up marrying your father??

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Janni · 22/03/2008 22:43

You certainly can end up marrying your father if you're not careful. I'd be curious to see what others say about this - we probably shouldn't diagnose him between ourselves

CarGirl · 22/03/2008 22:45

sapphire it does sound like a grim situation I too thought mild aspergers reading the op!

mrsruffallo · 22/03/2008 23:02

I think it's just complacency- you say this has worsened since you married. I think you need to put your cards on the table here- tell him exactly how you feel and how close you are to leaving unless he opens up to you.
Don't hold back- be very honest here as it sounds like you are really ready to end this.
I think some men have a tendency to clam up/withdraw if they are unhappy about something.

sarah76 · 22/03/2008 23:17

Agree with others here, first thing I thought was depression. Also agree you have to lay it out for him--tell him you are close to giving up on him but you'd like to give it a last chance. Have you thought about going to Relate? They do sliding scale so pretty reasonable fees, and we found them quite helpful at the time. Sure, he's now my exH now, but if we hadn't tried counseling as a last resort, I couldn't have ended it and felt that I'd really done everything possible to work it out.

If you really can't stand being there and it's affecting your kids, you could separate and have counseling while living apart. It takes a while to get divorced (believe me on this!), so you moving out may be the shock he needs to realise he can't expect you to stick around and tolerate behaviour like this. Separation does not necessarily mean it's over. A good mate of mine left her husband for all of a week, but that was all it took to get him really talking and realising things needed to change.

Best of luck to you. . .

Janni · 22/03/2008 23:19

Good advice from Sarah imo.

Original poster

sapphire · 22/03/2008 23:23

We did actually walk out for a week last December ..... we had a situation with my ADD son who lost it and had a slanging match with DH - it was only words, good for DS who tends to hit out when angry but he said a couple of nasty things about step daughter. Next morning DH said he didn't want a thug like my son in his house and either he went or we all went ... so we did. Stayed at my mum's for a few days, came home four days later to talk and after going round in circles I asked DH for an honest answer - did he want me and my kids to come back to the house/ He ignored me so i said i'd give him twn mins to thikn about it and then ask again - and after the time was up i asked and he still ignored me.

I got a text half an hour later saying of course he wanted us back ..... but it serously worries me that in that situation he couldn't say that to my face

OP posts:

Janni · 22/03/2008 23:24

Sapphire - have to go to bed now. Thinking of you, though. You've got it hard x

Original poster

sapphire · 22/03/2008 23:27

I'm going to bed too, thanks for all the support everyone

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mrsruffallo · 22/03/2008 23:27

Sapphire- What is you gut feeling on this?
He is not acting like a man who wants you around is he?

TheHedgeWitch · 22/03/2008 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sapphire · 22/03/2008 23:37

mrsruffallo, I think he probably does want us but for whatever reason he can't tell me. I know that's a typical man thing, to not be able to talk about feelings, but this goes beyond that AFAIK .... for instance, there's been times when I've told him straight that I'm really unhapy and our marriage doesn't seem to be working and rather than say anything comforting or try to disagree he's turned hi back on me ...... but days later will say that of course he wants it to work.

I'm just so sad ... I did love him so much and now it's just like living with a grumpy stranger.

OP posts:

Original poster

sapphire · 23/03/2008 00:02

Well he went out this afternoon without a word and still isn't home ..... I'm quite worried now actually.

OP posts:

mumof2fabkids · 23/03/2008 00:53

Sapphire - any news? Is he home yet?

Pavlovthecat · 23/03/2008 01:21

I think he sounds very depressed, perhaps suffering from some kind of mental illness at least?

If he had aspergers, would this not have been at least somewhat apparant prior to marrying him? I know little about it so cannot comment fully but was under the impression it was not something that developed as an adult, unlike perhaps a mental illness?

Pavlovthecat · 23/03/2008 01:22

Sorry for late post btw, I am NY so its only 9:30pm!

NotQuiteCockney · 23/03/2008 09:30

Does he ignore other people this way? What does he do for a living? How does he get on with those people? What happened in his previous marriage? Why did that go wrong? How are his parents with each other?

It does sound to me as if he wants to be with you, but is dreadfully insecure, and thinks he is unwelcome/unwanted. I think Relate sounds like a very good idea.

Original poster

sapphire · 23/03/2008 10:50

he's still not home, I have had a text saying "i'm ok" but no idea where he is.

we could try relate though i'm just not even sure if I love him any more.

he is kind of the same with other people, esp. my family but his too ... if someone speaks to him he just stares at them for ages before replying ... if they hqvent thenn moved the conversayion elsewhere, which is what normally happens.

he's also incredibly anal (spreadsheets for several aspects of life) and a bit of a jobsworth at work too, very inflexible ... which all adds to the AS theory.

I probably should have seen the signs before I moved in with him ... I guess you really don't know someone till you live together though.

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OverMyDeadBody · 23/03/2008 11:17

You've mentioned a few times now that you're not sure if you love him. I think with love if you're not sure or there's any doubt then you don't love him. His behaviour certainly doesn't sound in any way loving does it?

Forget about why he may be like this and trying to 'diagnose' him, instead concentrate on what you are going to do next. What do you want? Presumably you don't want to stay in this kind of relationship?

Original poster

sapphire · 23/03/2008 11:58

you're right, I don't want this any more ... i'm miserable , my kids aren't happy, it's not good for anyone ... and I can't believe that DH is happy either.
it seems that however many times I let him know how unhappy he is making me feel and however often he says he'll try to talk more we just end up at the same low point a few weeks later. there's only so many times we can go through this before we decide it's pointless... it's just knowing when it's time to call it a day that's hard.

OP posts:

pedilia · 23/03/2008 12:11

No advice to add other than what has been said already but just to wanted to give my support x

sarah76 · 23/03/2008 12:11

Sapphire, it really does sound like a separation would be best for you all now. Knowing when to say when is very hard. It sounds like you've really tried to work things out and he either just doesn't get it or is inacapable of having the kind of relationship you need.

Going to your mum's was a good step, but you may need a more serious separation, one that's not so temporary. The conflict between your kids and DH sounds so rough, and getting them out of it probably has to be the first priority. Once you are separated, you could try something like Relate to explore whether or not this is really the end.

Don't beat yourself up about not seeing the signs--when you are in love with someone you do have rose-coloured glasses, we all do. If we didn't, no one would ever get together! I have to try hard in my new relationship not to scrutinize every little fault and wonder if it will be a deal-breaker at some point. Love just isn't very practical and no one is perfect. But there has to be a ratio of good to bad that makes it worthwhile, and it sounds like you've reached a tipping point.

Wish you the best, really hope you can get some help from family/friends to have a less temporary separation.

MuthaHubbard · 23/03/2008 13:07

My situation was similar but not quite the same. H is fab with the our kids and would speak to them but not me. We wouldn't speak for days on end. We used to get on well and chat but over the past two years things deteriorated.

I too would suggest days out and things to do, to which he would just shrug or say he was doing other things or if we did go he would be unbelievably grumpy to the point of embarassment. He would then take the kids out and leave me at home. He went home to south africa over new year and didn't tell me he was going, I found out from an answerphone message from the flight company.

We would visit my family and he would sit in one room away from us all in another. He embarassed me at my sisters wedding by being miserable and calling me an arsehole in from of my dad.

Several times over the passed year I tried to discuss how unhappy we were. He would laugh or ignore me and stick his head back in the sand. I felt so unhappy, unloved and alone.

The holiday over new year was the final straw for me and when he returned I told him it was over.

We sat down and for the first time in years talked. When he realised I wasn't 'out to get him' or take the kids away, he agree that things had been over for a lot longer than we were prepared to admit.

Since there is no 'relationship' there anymore, we do get on better and can speak to each other. A huge weight feels as though it's been lifted for both of us. There is no dark cloud anymore and he is actually looking forward to moving out next week.

No real advice to give but the thought of being so sad and lonely within a relationship for another year scared the living daylights out of me. And I didn't want my dc to think that an adult relationship was one that is unloving, uncaring and uncommunicative.

I would say get as much advice as you can, including CAB etc.

Original poster

sapphire · 23/03/2008 13:23

Thanks everyone .... I think my mind is almost made up. I'm going to have a chat with his sister this afternoon - she's quite close to him, maybe she can get through to him how serious all this is? I'm planning on making an appointment at our local service info place on Tuesday re: housing benefit etc and will get other advice and contact CAB too.

So sad but I think it was almost over before we got married, I should have been stronger then and postponed the wedding rather than thinking that everything would be okay

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