Marriage is a farce - DH won't communicate

[sapphire]

Really don't know what to do - I'm hoping if I rant on here someone might be able to help. Very long ... apologies in advance

I've been with DH for 5 years, married for just over 2. He's been married before and has one child who we see once a fortnight. I was in a long term relationship and have two kids DD 13 and DS 10 who live with us - DS has ADHD so is a bit of a challenge sometimes.

Before we moved in with DH he was quite a quiet person, shy, but once he relaxed he could be quite chatty - he and I also talked a lot when we were alone. Since we moved in, and even more so since we got married, he's retreated into hi s shell completely, to the extent now that his behaviour is almost hostile - he rarely starts conversations about anything but his work; he never speaks to my kids or asks them how their day has gone; and when we're in company he tends to stare and ignore when someone speaks to jhim, which is really embarrassing.

I've tried so many times in so many ways to talk to him about this and how it makes me feel, but he either ignores me completely, stares and doesn't respond, or physically turns his back on me.

it's reached the point now where the whole idea of us being a couple or a family is a complete joke. He rarely does anything with us and when he does he acts so completely grumpy and miserable the whole time, like he would rather be somewhere else. When his DD is over he and she do things, or if we all go out together it always ends up them going off together, no attempt at being a family. I sometimes wonder if it's just me feels this way but my mum, brother and friends all see him behaving the same and think it's really rude and unacceptable.

yesterday I was taking my kids swimming and asked if he wanted to come, and he did - but in the car and at the pool he didn't s0peak to anyone, in fact he blatantly ignored my kids and my DD's b/f when they spoke to him. We rowed about it later (hmm, not really rowed, as he just clams up) and he said that I obviously didn't want him to come with us, I wouldn't have asked him if I actually wanted him to come .... WTF?????

I am so unhappy .... this whole lack of communication has been going on for nearly three years now and I feel so unloved and i really don't even know if I love or even like DH any more because every time he acts like this it's another nail in the coffin. I'm now starting to look at rented property so that I can move out with my kids ... all complicated because i work from home running a magazine but don't really make anything yet so rent is going to be difficult, but the kids hate being here now so i've got to do something.
Makes me feel so sad though ..... four years ago it seemed like the perfect relationship.

Any advice? Am I rushing into leaving, should I give it more time even though we have been here again and again and again - or should I cut my losses now and make a new life for me and my children?

Hi

Id just like to wish you well and let you know Im glad youre thinking about what you want to do. I have exactly the same problem as you and i just hope everything will be fine

Sapphire the past is in the past now, it's done, don't blame yourself or beat yourself up about it. Instead focus your energy on making your future a better one for you and your DCs, coz that's all you can change.

He's home, came in about two hours ago. No idea where he was, he hasn't said. I've tried talking but he just won't accept any part of what's going wrong - according to him he is like he is because I don't cuddle him any more - and I know I don't cuddle him much any more, because he feels like a stranger because he won't talk to me or the children. So we're at something of a stalemate.

I really thought that he might have been thinking things over this last 24 hours but apparently not, it's still all my fault, he won't accept or even acknowledge that there is anything wrong with the way he communicates - or doesn't. If he could just say, okay, I know I don't deal with situations very well - I;'d at least know that he's aware that there's a problem on his side - but all he says is that everything is my fault and I've obviously made up my mind so what's the point?

I said that the point is that I'm asking him to accept his problem and ask for help or try to do something about it - that if he can do that then there is a point ... but that if he can't even accept the problem then I can't stay any longer. This is his last chance ... only he can do anything about it, and if he can go back to being the man I fell in love with, the one who was quiet but smiled and made me laugh and took an interest in what me and my children were doing .... that everything will fall into place again, I'll like and then love him again and we can work things out.

You know what he did the whole time I said this? Buried his head in a Dick Francis book ...

Good luck, however you decide to proceed. Does he know you feel you've come to the end of the road?

And now he's stormed out in a mood again .... he came down and apologised to DS for being a crap step-dad, then came out and stared at me, then we started talking again and he brought up that I don't want him involved at all ever .... I said how do you make that out, why would I have invited you swimming if I didn't want you there, why would I have asked you to come bowling the other week if i didn't want you there? So he said that when we went bowling, Drummer's mum has asked him if he was any good and he said not really ...partway through the game when he was thrashing us all I said something along the lines of "That's not fair, you're supposed to be rubbish" ... and laughed... a complete throwaway jokey comment - and apparently that is me belittling him, saying I don't want him there.

What crap is this? We're never going be able to sort this out. Especially as I just threw the remains of my cup of tea in his direction. To his credit he threw something abck at me ... that's the most passion I've seen in months ;)

This story is so sad, his defensiveness, for whatever reason, means you'r banging your heads against a wall.
You (or his sister) can either get him to see a therapist , and you stay or go ,or you commit yourself to ignoring him in your marriage.
This unresolved (unresolvable?) isnt a good role model for the kids. Also sounds like he wants a reflective carer, not a partner and he cant take normal family involvement that isnt about him.

He was at his sisters (and then drinking at the football club with his BIL) all this evening ... I thought he was probably there. Came home and said he didn't want us to go ... but still isn't willing to accept any of the blame, it's all me, I'm the only one to have changed - his sister and brother-in-law have told him so tonight .....

Shit. Having spoken to his sister this afternoon I thought she was our only chance, as she agreed that some of the stuff I told her about was just not on the normal radar ..... yet apparently she's told him he's fine, nothing to worry about.

Which means we do have to go .... I didn't want it to come to this. I really am in pieces now.

It doesn't sound like he wants you to go, to be honest. It just sounds like he's very troubled.

And it doesn't really sound like you want to go.

Is Relate or similar really not an option?

If you're trying to have a serious conversation with him, it's reasonable to say 'look, I need a real conversation, books down, sitting down, looking at each other. If now isn't good, can we make a time for it?'.

can you ask him to go to relate so you can understand how you've changed and what you need to do for you to be happy together again. Hopefully he then may realise through going to relate that change is needed on both sides?

He's now agreed to counselling ..... have to say I wonder if it's too late on my part, the damage has been done

Sapphire, you need to say that when you go to counseling. Just because you're going doesn't mean you've definitely decided the relationship is worth saving. Sometimes couples go when they are splitting up, so they can learn how to do it amicably. You might just use the time to explore whether you even want to continue.

Are you still going to separate in the meantime? It might help to be away from him while you decide and while you're waiting to go to counseling. It's one thing for him to agree to go, but another thing entirely for him to actually go, participate, and show that he really wants things to work. Stick to your guns, don't let him say 'okay I'll go' and then not have to do anything further.

Sapphire see counselling as a step forwards either to go your seperate ways (knowing you have done everything you can) and learn not to repeat the same mistake or create a new marriage between you with solid ground rules. It won't be time or money wasted whatever the outcome.

At the very least you may get the opportunity to say stuff to your dh that the counsellor will make sure he hears and that he will be expected to respond to.