Disagreement over the light

[butterflywingss]

I am unfortunately one of those grown adults that are still petrified of the dark and I hate how I feel when it is really dark. I get scared, I feel like I can't breath and overall it makes me feel extremely anxious.

My DH on the other hand, is the complete opposite and he's always switching the lights off at every possible chance.

We have disagreements on this as I like to have a light switched on somewhere because I feel less anxious when it's on. However, he hates it and goes to switch off. I have tried night lights as well during sleep and he gets really mad. I have also told him how I feel and I think he either ignores or genuinely forgets.

For example, we live in a small apartment and I am putting the baby to sleep and I like to leave the corridor light on with the door slightly shut. He then gets up switches that light off and shuts all the doors. It genuinely makes me so angry and I am typing this with my phone torch on 😂 (it's really not funny).

I may be ridiculous but anyone else going through something similar & what have you found helps to keep everyone happy ?

Funny enough black used to be my favourite colour but those days are so past me and now I only want to see and feel the brightness.

I'm totally with you. We have a dimmer on the landing. Drove me nuts when dh used to get up and turn it off. He claimed that the dim light from the landing kept him awake - but he kept falling asleep with his bedside lamp on! As he usually falls asleep before me, I generally turned thelanding light back on low a little later. It didn't bother me if I'd already fallen asleep by the time he turned it off. Unless I woke in the night and needed to go to the toilet. Being woken in the night by me walking into the bed, and then me showing him the massive bruises on my thigh the following morning, persuaded dh that I actually needed some light.

We've tried the nightlight plugged into a sticker on the landing. It works for the problem of hating being in pitchy darkness, but doesn't give me enough light to get to the ensuite loo without crashing into something.

Could a nightlight in your room help you?

I also hate it when the lights are all switched off at night in every room except the one you're in. Can't explain why. Just makes me really uncomfortable. I always have the hall light on. Always leave it on when I go out, too. Hate coming back into a dark house.

Dh does not understand. But he does understand that I am distressed, so he compromises in order to reduce my distress.

The overhead light being on in the corridor is ridiculous, and it would definitely make it hard for me to sleep with that much light coming in the bedroom. Why can't you use a small nightlight?

Do you have a spare bedroom that one of you can use?

Yoy can't sleep without a light on. Your DH struggles to sleep unless it's dark.

Neither of you is right or wrong. You just have very different needs and it's hard to see a middle ground where you can compromise.

I have also told him how I feel and I think he either ignores or genuinely forgets.

He’s not forgetting, stop making excuses for him, he’s ignoring you. Our hall light is on all night as I hate not seeing a light if I waken up when it’s dark, DH sleeps with an eye mask on as he hates seeing light during the night. Buy him an eye mask?

Ah see I hate lights being on, especially at night. I can't really settle until it's as dark as possible. In fact I feel irrationally annoyed if there is a light left on somewhere at bedtime.

That said we do have a motion sensor plug in light on the landing and in DSs room that only switches on (not very bright) with movement which is useful for when people need to loo at night. Would something like that work? I know it wouldn't be lit all the time but means you know when it's dark that no one is creeping around the house?

But likewise, the OP is ‘ignoring’ him, making out her need for light is more important than his need for dark.

An eye mask is a good suggestion. Otherwise - separate rooms.

No it’s not. Our children had to have light to see in the dark for the toilet. You can buy an eye mask for a few pounds, your preference doesn’t trump what a partner or child needs, it’s all about compromise.

You have competing needs. Could you get a nightlight or even a series of nightlights?

Exactly. That's why I mentioned using a nightlight. It's a compromise.

Oh I am 100% with you on every light being off except the one you're in. Sometimes I work late to catch up with work and my DH decides to go to sleep and even after me asking him to leave the hallway light on he switches it off and goes to bed shutting all the doors so again doesn't affect him.

He wants everything pitch black because he sleeps better but I on the other hand struggle to sleep because it's so dark. I have tried a night lamp and he makes me turn it off and I have tried placing a small one in the corridor and then he complains we're spending electricity but I honestly would rather pay extra and feel comfortable then save pennies and live in fear.

I also have a mirror in my corridor so it really doesn't help when the lights are all off.

I am just a big scary cat 😂 my eldest on rare occasions sleep walks and that scares me enough as it is and one time light were out and we bumped into each other as she slept walked and I was coming out the room and we both screamed the 1st time from getting scared and the 2nd time from the screaming. It's so ridiculous even typing this but it's my reality unfortunately.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me

That said we do have a motion sensor plug in light on the landing and in DSs room that only switches on (not very bright) with movement which is useful for when people need to loo at night.

I’ve never heard of a plug in motion sensor light. Is there one you could recommend? Fabulous idea.

I’m also terrified of the dark, but don’t like to go to sleep with the light on. I want it to be light enough to be able to see the shape of my hand.

I used to go to sleep with my phone screen on and if I woke in the middle of the night, there would be enough light through the curtain to let me grab my phone quickly.

Since we’ve had children, we have a plug in torch in the hallway that is on overnight. It’s not that bright and stops it from being completely dark.

I have tried but DH hates it and always switches off.

I feel safer when the light is in somewhere. Can't win.

We've got these

Xtralite Nitesafe Duo Rechargeable Night Light Torch - 3 Function LED Night Light, Torch and Motion Sensor Power Cut Light amzn.eu/d/dykpAZ5

(Hope the link works!) Though I'm sure ours is a different brand, it looks the same though. You can carry the light bit around as well

We have a plug-in motion-activated light, like a PP. It's bright enough to see your way to the bathroom but not so bright as to wake the other one up. I don't know where it came from.

I am just a big scary cat 😂 my eldest on rare occasions sleep walks and that scares me enough as it is and one time light were out and we bumped into each other as she slept walked and I was coming out the room and we both screamed the 1st time from getting scared and the 2nd time from the screaming. It's so ridiculous even typing this but it's my reality unfortunately.

I wonder if there is something wrong with me

The whole tone of your post suggests, to me, that really you're not bothered about trying to change your view on this. And, actually, I think it's worrying that your child/ren are being almost encouraged to feel the same as you do.

I think you need to grow up. The dark really isn't scary - but even if you don't like it pitch black, it's always possible to have a dim light on somewhere.

We have the opposite problem and I’ve ended up having to sleep in the spare room a few times. Dh has bought a wireless charger as the port on his phone wasn’t working properly. It lights up the whole sodding room. I storm off in a huff raging about his bloody night light!
I’ve tried eye masks (which your Dh might try?) but they fall off in the night and I’m back to square one.
I need darkness for sleep so I can see his side of this!

If anything I compromise more for him than he does for me in this situation.

He's played 'pranks' on me before with the lights off and trying to scare me & I genuinely go into panic mode. It's not because I am trying to be selfish, I am genuinely scared and I can't function properly in that situation.

That's proper shit.

He knows you're scared of the dark and he purposely scares you in the dark? I get trying to lighten the mood but that's too far and will just make you yet more jumpy and nervous!

That's what I do, I have to hurt my eyes with my phone until I go to sleep because I don't want to look around and it's dark.

I also try leaving the curtain open for light but then when it's morning it becomes too bright.

I've put a very dim night light in my kids room and even with that he switches off sometimes and I've told him not to because my DD feels comfortable with some light coming in.

What about one of those really dim, matted, glowing orb lights? They are light enough to be clearly lit but don't light up the room. You could keep it on the floor beside your side of the bed and the light won't really reach him?

We got something like this a while back in our bathroom but they didn't last very long and we never got them again.

I might see what I can find for the hallway maybe

Night Light Kids, LED Night Light with Touch Control, Warm Light, 8 RGB Colors, 1 Hour Timer, USB Rechargeable Baby Night Light for Kids, Dimmable Night Lamp for Bedroom, Nursery, Newborn, Adults amzn.eu/d/18TRzeM

We've had ours (link up the thread) for about 5 years now

Did you get married after the first date?