My dad and brother don’t want to attend my wedding

[Evie899]

I am feeling very upset and I need to share this because I don’t know what to do.

My DP of 3 years asked me to marry him in December and I was so happy. We currently live abroad as my DP is from Europe. The original plan was to have a small, intimate ceremony in London but due to residency rules around giving notice, we decided to marry in Scotland. Half of my family are Scottish and we had our first couples holiday there so it’s a meaningful place for us. My family live an hour away from London.

My dad and brother have told me this week that they don’t want to come to the wedding. My dad says it’s too far and he needs to stay at home to look after their cat. My brother says he is too socially anxious to go (he is autistic so I can understand this a bit more.)

I am very upset about this and so is my mum. It means that she will be the only member of my family attending. DP’s family, including his elderly and frail grandmother are happy to fly to Scotland to see us marry.

My dad has shocked me by saying this. He has never been an overly expressive or emotional dad but he’s always been there for me and attended my graduation, worked in a senior job for years before he retired and flew abroad with his family when he was young for holidays. So it’s not a fear of travel or social anxiety. He didn’t attend his brother’s second or third wedding because he said his brother had married too many times and he attended the first one. I told him that I want him to walk me down the aisle and he said ‘well I will look at the photographs’.

My mum has had a row with him and told him he should be attending his only daughter’s wedding but it’s had no effect. I am unsure whether to continue with planning this wedding. I wanted a UK based ceremony so that my family could come and I had planned a lot of things to cater for my brother’s needs. But now I feel so hurt.

I'm so sorry, I'd be terribly hurt too.

Your dad is behaving very shabbily. I'd be distancing myself.

To be honest I would be stating in strong terms that unless he attends I would consider that the end of the relationship.

Weddings have a way of really highlighting wider family dynamics and difficult personalities. My dad almost didn't come to mine because it was only a registry wedding and he thought it wasn't a big deal he's also very likely autistic. It took his partner (bless her) giving him a stern talking to to make him change his mind. He only has a head for his work so anything that takes away from that is an inconvenience. I've since realised that dad does never and has never prioritised me/my siblings beyond what we can do for him. He says the right things but his actions show the opposite. Im not even sad about it anymore I just have run out of energy with trying to have a functional relationship.

As your brother is asd is it possible your dad is too but can't express/admit his issues? It's not an excuse but could be an explanation. It certainly doesn't invalidate your feeling. You shouldn't change your day for him though.

If there is anytime you are allowed to be a bit selfish it is your own wedding day. You aren't asking too much for him to attend your wedding a few hours train/drive away.

I bet if you offered to pay for a cat sitter he would find another excuse.

I think your brother’s reasoning is valid and I would accept it, albeit it’s fine to feel sad about it.

Just because your dad did travel before he retired doesn’t mean his confidence in going away hasn’t changed. Autism is often genetic so as a PP said, is your dad autistic as well?

I’d have been sad about my dad missing my wedding as well.

You’re understandably hurt, I’m sorry. I’d make clear how awful it feels that he’s prioritising his cat over his daughter and leave it at that.

Honestly I wouldn't be keen on a destination wedding either (even if the destination is Scotland).

They will need to travel and at least 2 nights stay as well. Are you paying for all of that ?

Yes we would pay for their travel, hotel and cat sitter.

I have suspected in the past that my dad may be asd or at least have traits. He isn’t very social and prefers to stay at home all day. He has a routine that he follows and doesn’t like to stray too far from it. When I was young, my mum was seriously ill in hospital and he had to be told to go and visit / support her by my grandparents. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was autistic and undiagnosed. However, my mum and I have both told him it would be hurtful if he didn’t go to the wedding and he’s an intelligent man. He could go if he cared to make the effort.

Really? For your only daughter?
Fair enough a mate.

It's hardly fecking Hawaii.

Are you autistic like her brother?
Or older like her father?

Maybe you would take a different view then?

So your mum is the only person from your side attending? Will you have friends there? If not, I'd be inclined to have it where you're partner's from and fly your mum out.

I really love my cat and I am autistic. I’m not a fan of weddings or social gatherings unless I know the majority of the people there. I’d still travel to Scotland for my daughter’s wedding, even if I found it tiring and awkward and I left early.

If he is ND, it could be that he needs a bit of time to process information that his immediate response is feel he can’t/won’t do, so I would try again and explain it’s very important to you that he there.

If someone doesn’t want to go to a wedding what is the point of forcing them to attend?

It doesn’t matter if it’s your father or a friend, it’s pointless pursuing it. Do you really want him to attend knowing full well he doesn’t want to be there?

I’d be wary of pushing too far otherwise you may find out the real reason what he doesn’t want to attend.

It’s not going to be a big showy wedding. We imagined a small ceremony at a registry office then a meal at a nice restaurant. There will be no big party or dances or speeches. We were going to have close family only but if only one person from my side will attend, there isn’t much point. This is why I feel so sad because I feel it isn’t much to ask for one day and I’m only going to marry once. I haven’t told DP yet because he’s really excited about the Scottish wedding and it will look quite bad tbh, as his family have a much longer journey than mine.

I understand my brother’s reasoning and he’s explained to me that he doesn’t want to go on a plane or have dinner with my partner’s family because of his anxiety. But my dad is mobile, has no major health difficulties and has attended the weddings of his sister and nephews/ nieces with no fuss. Ironically I chose Scotland to save them from having to travel to Europe.

I'd pull the Scotland plan, rearrange it and get married near your DP family and fly your mum out. I'd say that your dad's got more in common with your brother than he realises, and maybe any of you have noticed up to now.

Is he against you marrying a ‘furriner’ OP? My mum and dad didn’t come to my wedding to DH from Eastern Europe. The excuse at the time was their older dog(which lived for another 2 years) but a few years later they said it was because they ‘just thought he was after a passport’. We’ve been married 23 years now.

Possibly, although he’s never said anything like that to me and he also seems to get on well with DP when they’re together.

I think he has worries about where we will live. My mum told me that he was saying this when she was talking to him about the wedding. He’s either worried that I will move abroad permanently or that we will move back to the UK and struggle to find work and afford the house prices. Still, none of that is to do with him coming to the wedding.

It’s really nice that you’ve been together so long. Did your parents ever come around?

You might not be keen, but surely for your only daughter you would suck it up and go to walk her down the aisle?

I would go to the ends of the earth to do this for my children.

So sorry OP. You can’t choose your family ehh? And they can let you down so very badly. Pair of selfish (insert rude word). You’ve done your best. Enjoy your say with your DP, mum, friends and lovely sounding future in laws and try to forget about them.

everyone making excuses for the dad's asd which he might not even have.
autism can explain why someone might feel uncomfortable or not want to do something, and that is understandable but it isn't an automated
it's as ableist to make the inference that all autistic people are inherently selfish and are only capable of thinking of themselves
people both on/off the spectrum can do something they don't want to do or that makes them uncomfortable for the sake of others. This is a one off.
If the dad has managed to go to wider family weddings then he could go to OPs. He's choosing not to for the sake of his own comfort, and of course that's upsetting.

Seems odd ,some older people seem wedded to their routines ,but surely once for their DD should be OK? If he worried about the cat then cattery or friend to feed? Scotland could be done in a day at a pinch .Surely he will come round?

But my dad is mobile, has no major health difficulties and has attended the weddings of his sister and nephews/ nieces with no fuss

I would say that to him quite bluntly.
"So you are saying that, whereas you were happy enough to go to your nephews and nieces weddings, you are actually telling me you do not want to come to your own daughter's wedding???"
Let him know that you can't come back from that kind of hurtful decision.

Then I'd fly your Mum out to your partner's home and have a wedding there with all of his family and friends.

Just respect the fact that both won't be in attendance regardless of the reasons, both are valid. Don't be pushy, and forceful...Don't guilt trip them, bully or anything. ..tell your mom and others to lay off of your dad and brother.

Just enjoy the ceremony the best that you can. It isn't about the audience, it isn't about having a ceremony, it isn't about traveling, it isn't about attendees, it's about binding you and your partner...legally.

I personally think it's nothing to end the relationship between you and your dad over...especially if you two have a good relationship. ..of course you may feel otherwise.

I know you're saddened, but respect his decision. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love and care for you.

I disagree. And this may be cultural. My family is all Scottish and Irish. Weddings are about families joining and starting a new chapter. Getting together, celebrating the important milestones in people's lives. We're the same with funerals TBF. You don't just decide not to attend. I've flown thousands of miles, thoroughly inconvenienced myself, as have the other family members, including those on the spectrum, to be present. People flew thousands of miles for mine because I married someone from a different country as well. And that's cousins and the like, not even parents.

My dad would crawl over hot coals for my wedding. In fact my very elderly grandfather didn't attend and my mum said that she knew then that he'd never leave his village again if he didn't come to my wedding. And he didn't.

Sorry OP, it would be a huge deal to me. And I'd have a serious conversation with him about how you feel. It could be that he has a reason. But the cat isn't it.

Is your dad maybe trying to make your brother feel better about not going?