My dad and brother don’t want to attend my wedding

[Evie899]

I am feeling very upset and I need to share this because I don’t know what to do.

My DP of 3 years asked me to marry him in December and I was so happy. We currently live abroad as my DP is from Europe. The original plan was to have a small, intimate ceremony in London but due to residency rules around giving notice, we decided to marry in Scotland. Half of my family are Scottish and we had our first couples holiday there so it’s a meaningful place for us. My family live an hour away from London.

My dad and brother have told me this week that they don’t want to come to the wedding. My dad says it’s too far and he needs to stay at home to look after their cat. My brother says he is too socially anxious to go (he is autistic so I can understand this a bit more.)

I am very upset about this and so is my mum. It means that she will be the only member of my family attending. DP’s family, including his elderly and frail grandmother are happy to fly to Scotland to see us marry.

My dad has shocked me by saying this. He has never been an overly expressive or emotional dad but he’s always been there for me and attended my graduation, worked in a senior job for years before he retired and flew abroad with his family when he was young for holidays. So it’s not a fear of travel or social anxiety. He didn’t attend his brother’s second or third wedding because he said his brother had married too many times and he attended the first one. I told him that I want him to walk me down the aisle and he said ‘well I will look at the photographs’.

My mum has had a row with him and told him he should be attending his only daughter’s wedding but it’s had no effect. I am unsure whether to continue with planning this wedding. I wanted a UK based ceremony so that my family could come and I had planned a lot of things to cater for my brother’s needs. But now I feel so hurt.

I'm thinking he doesn't approve of your fiance/the marriage but doesn't want to say why.

Was he asked for 'your hand' or whatever that patriarchal piff is? If not is he the type who would be offended?

@MrsTerryPratchett there with the wise words as always!

I agree there is something more under the surface. I'd ask him and give him some time to respond.

A father not wanting to go to his daughter's wedding is a massive deal. Without a good reason or explanation, the relationship would be forever scarred by his decision.

It's strange of him to do that, and even worse that he knows it's hurtful to you. Honestly, I'd think what's the point of the Scottish wedding for mum's sake? I'd plan it in Europe, and pay to fly your mum over. Don't worry about telling your fiance, be honest he'll understand.

I’m so sorry to hear this. Your dad is being incredibly selfish and ‘unloving’.
I suspect even if he came you will never forget this reaction. Could you write him a letter explaining how you feel?

Have you asked him why he puts a cat above his daughter?

It's very hurtful. Although it doesn't make up for not having your dad and brother do you have close cousins/ aunties/ uncles or friends you could invite without making it big? If you were to go ahead do you think your dad might come round? I wouldn't go overseas for many people but would travel from London to Scotland for a very close friend/ cousin.

My dad came to mine but said he wouldn't walk me down the aisle or do a speech (he did both for his niece in her country). On the night,after a few drinks, he did an impromptu speech. It will always hurt that he said that.

I would let your brother off and say you completely understand. I understand crippling anxiety and it's awful and he will be worrying about it and also beating himself up for letting you down. I would say to him that if he changes his mind he's very welcome and he can take himself away at any point if it's too much/ doesn't have to sit with people he's not already comfortable around etc. might it help if he doesn't feel the pressure to come?

@Evie899

I'm sorry to hear your father has reacted so hurtfully, even after your mother's intervention. I agree with others - change the venue back to where your DP and his family originate and fly your mother over a couple of days before so you can spend some time with her and she can get to know your partner's relatives.

And ask her to be the one walking you down the aisle.

Is your mother comfortable with flying on her own? Or are there other family/friends who could accompany her if she'd be more comfortable with that?

As for Scotland, put a date in the diary for a few weeks/months after your wedding to travel with your new husband to show him the country and meet other members of your family and, perhaps, make a visit to your mum, brother and father - stay in a hotel close by so you have time on your own too and to accommodate any early flights back home. Good luck OP - hope this all gets resolved without any more hurt. 🌹

I have a close friend who is autistic and would struggle with this situation.
However, their anxiety about attending doesn't come from a selfish perspective (which does seem to be an assumption about autism).
For them it would be"
Dealing with an unfamiliar setting and navigating it without having to inconvenience other people by asking directions, etc.
Being overestimated by unfamiliar sounds/smells which becomes physically painful. They'd then need to find a quiet space away from the sensory overload. They'd feel that they were drawing attention away from the people it should be on, by having to leave.
They'd feel they were letting the people issuing the invite down, by needing to have exceptions made and by their reduced tolerance of being in a situation.
My friend has cancelled on me many times because they'd rather not come to something than leave part way through and disappoint me.

Thanks for all of your posts.

I have spoken to my parents and apparently my dad thinks we ‘don’t have a plan’ either for the wedding or afterwards and it’s ‘rushed’. This has annoyed me because we have been planning everything for months due to Visa requirements etc.

He doesn’t see why it has to be in Scotland and I explained to him about the residency requirements of England for giving notice and this not being possible because of my DP needing to stay in Europe for his job. In Scotland, notice can be given by post which is much easier for us. I explained our plans for after the wedding and where we’ll live and he seemed to be a bit more accepting. He’s not outright saying he won’t come any more.

I asked DP if he would be open to moving the wedding to his country (I didn’t tell him the full reasons) but he really wants a Scottish wedding like we planned.

I am still upset with my dad. Even if he does come, it’s hard to forget how he’s made me feel and sort of overshadowed the excitement of planning my wedding. If he had concerns, he could have told me that before saying the things he did. I am still not 100% sure that I won’t cancel the Scottish wedding.

@Boomboomshakeshaketheroom No, DP didn’t ask for my hand because my mum said it was old fashioned and there was no need. I also agree that it’s outdated and patriarchal and wouldn’t be happy with it tbh.

Please don't cancel something you and your fiancé want because your father is being an awkward bugger and overshadowing it

Have the lovely wedding you want with the people there that really care.

And leave your dad to your mum

(I'd never forgive my DH if he behaved like that tbf)

I couldn't disagree more with this.

Similar to a pp's Dad, I would walk over hot coals to go to the weddings of any of my dc, however uncomfortable I felt with what they were planning. It is HUGE. It is unfathomable that either of my parents would ever have considered not being at any of our weddings either. So incredibly hurtful.

My family is Scottish. Parents never bothered to come to my uni graduation , even though it was a 30min in the train. Neither did they bother coming to my wedding or police passing- out parade. You can safely assume that I wrote them off a long time ago

Anyone excusing the Dad here is absolutely bonkers sorry. What half decent Dad doesn't make a bloody effort to walk his daughter down the aisle?

He's not being asked to attend - he is THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE FGS.

It sounds like he doesn’t want to do the journey. Do you think he would attend if it was near him?

As someone else said its Scotland - not Hawaii. Your dad is out of order.

Thought I would give an update on this.

The situation is much the same but now DP and I have decided to move the ceremony to London because there will be a greater chance of my family being able to come. I would have liked to marry in Scotland but the issues around care for my brother and for their elderly, medicated cat mean that I have to change to a place that’s more accessible. DP has managed to work out some dates where he’s off work so we can meet the residency rules but it will be very tight with giving notice and the visa etc.

My dad doesn’t seem at all excited about the wedding. He hasn’t really acknowledged or shown any joy about the engagement. He never mentions it and if I do, he doesn’t say much. He says he will come if the wedding is in London and that’s only because my mum had a go at him. I think my family will travel home on the same day and not stay overnight.

I really don’t know how it will go on the day to be honest. I’ve been quite unwell triggered by the stress of all this since my last post and I haven’t done much in the way of preparation.

I'm really really sorry OP. This sounds so stressful. I wish you all the luck x

It is his daughter’s wedding not some random person!

Why is Dad making the cat an excuse?? Brother can look after the cat, or a neighbour - cats are independent animals.
My dad hated my DH and did not think he was good enough, but still came. You are his DAUGHTER, he needs to make the effort

Agree
Also if your brother has autism, can he look after the cat? Bro has a valid reason, dad not so.
I think its not worth forcing your dad but personally id have serious think about what he adds to your life if he can't do this...im disabled but would travel anywhere to see my daughter get married

Would it help to try to talk to your dad and be open about how hurt you feel.
Maybe he doesn't realise how important it is for you for him to be there. You are his only daughter.
Re that he has been very active and travelled
Earlier in his life sometimes people change as they grow older is he worried about your brother?
Very upsetting for you.
I hope you can get a bit of dialogue with him .
Do you think he has missed you if you have lived abroad and has had to cut himself off psychologically and he would find it painful to have a role as father of the bride and can't face it. Too proud to admit his hurt and feelings.