This is really bad now, isn't it?

[ijustneedtokeepbreathing]

I just need to get this out. I feel shaken and sick.

I almost don’t know where to start. I posted about this before under a different username. Shortly before Xmas, my husband (married 14 years, but together for longer) walked out on me and our 3 kids. As in, he said he needed to take time to himself as he didn’t know what he wanted any longer, and went. After that time he has hardly seen our kids, but I have encouraged him to do so for them. There have been a few occasions where he said he would and we tentatively made a plan, but then he didn’t show up for them. We own our house jointly, everything is in joint names. He has made no financial contributions to the kids or anything else since he left, his salary is now being paid into a separate bank acc. I earn enough to just about keep us afloat.

That’s the context. I have been numb with shock and just been trying to get through each day for the kids, trying to hold it together.

Fast forward to now. Over the last couple of weeks, we have been talking at length on the phone, messaging. He has told me (and I think believe him) that there is no one else, but he just isn’t sure he wants the life we have together any longer. We have had long chats about his mental health, pressures we have both been under etc. I thought – perhaps stupidly – that this was a way back to him seeing the kids. I suppose a small and stupid part of me thought there might still be hope for our relationship, because it has been clear that he has felt conflicted and I have wondered if he has had some kind of breakdown, encouraged him to get help etc, we spoke about putting financial arrangements in place. While all the time I have felt totally heartbroken.

Long story short, I have been stupid and let all the boundaries I have tried to put in place collapse. I said yes to him coming over for a face to face chat (kids not in the house, thank god). I want to say I had sex with him, but I am not entirely sure that is what happened. I was just so pathetically upset that when he initiated it, quite forcefully, I got even more upset and just . . . . let him. I literally just lay there crying the whole time and thinking how much I have messed up. He didn’t even really acknowledge the fact that I was sobbing. That was yesterday.

This is bad isn’t it. I have lost all perspective and feel that my judgement has gone.

But this is bad, right? I don’t know what to feel, what to do. I have spent today on autopilot.

I needed to spew this out. There is no one I can tell IRL. I don't know how it has come to this.

I’m so sorry for what you have been through.

From what you have written, I think the marriage is over. I know it’s hard but I would start to get things in place to formalise that and to secure child maintenance.

It doesn’t sound to me that you gave your consent for sex and I can’t see how anyone can believe that a woman crying during sex wants to continue. That’s a separate issue if you want to take further action.

I've never been in your situation. I'm sure others that have will be able to give good advice.

I think this doesn't sound a healthy relationship. Just because he doesn't know what he wants doesn't mean you have to put up with this.

As an outsider I'd say first of all confide in friends. Secondly see a solicitor. Get evidence of finances etc. If everything is joint it should be easy to do. I'd be divorcing him.

It sounds like he doesn't respect your boundaries to sleep with you under such circumstances where you are sobbing sounds like rape.

You are worth so much more and you can have a great and even better life without him. Believe in yourself you are worth so much more. Show your children they shouldn't accept this treatment in relationships.

Be kind to yourself. Life can be so much more than this.

Thank you. I was so stupid to get into that position.

I know it's time to take some action.

Everything else asside, he is a horrible human being and I hope you can see that now. He cares so little about you that he had sex with you whilst you were crying. I'd think there's a strong argument to be made there that there was no concent. But at the very least, it shows how little your feelings mean to him.

Your next steps need to be contacting cms about child support. And seeing a solicitor about divorce. Find out what they need. Get your house valued too as it may be a course of action to sell it during the divorce. It sounds like a fresh start somewhere new would be good for you too.

And I'm sorry love, I'm so sorry, but he is cheating. Or, looking to. Even if there is not a specific woman, he will be on dating apps. Guaranteed.

He is despicable and frankly, utterly vile.
Please stop entertaining him in your home. Don't meet him in private ever again. If he wants to see the kids, do pick ups and drop offs somewhere public.

If you wish to go to the police about his actions yesterday, that would also be a valid decision.

OP, it sounds like he raped you.

OP your husband raped you - he could be arrested for what he did.

Absolutely no second chances. You need to get your ducks in a row and start divorce proceedings. There’s no coming back from this

@mainats my head is a mess. I don't know. I have spent a lot of time doubting myself.

Would I have sex with someone as they lay there sobbing? No, of course not. And it was forceful. And uncomfortable.

This situation has been going on long enough.
You need to now take full charge for your own sanity.
He is manipulating you, playing on your vulnerability.
Tell him you no longer want him in your life, and that you will be speaking to a solicitor. He needs to come and collect his stuff, you won't be there as you want as little contact as possible. From now on you wish to proceed as a single parent.
The marriage is over.
Because otherwise he will carry on stringing you along, getting your hopes up, for nothing. He has checked out but too spineless to admit it. So you tell him how it is now.
Let this waste of space go, what he is doing is cruel and selfish. He has hurt you enough. No more.
Show up for yourself and your children. I
Make yourself proud, be that woman who knows her worth.

You might want to call a SARC line OP, just to let your feelings out to people who'll understand

No they won't try and make you report if you don't want to.

No they won't think you're ridiculous bc it was your husband.

None of this is your fault. You were married for 14 years and have known longer, you had no reason to believe he would treat you this way. None of what happened is your fault. It's him that's a fault.

Take time to accept what happened. Maybe call a helpline so you can speak to someone and talk it over.

Google rape counselling to find the one local to you.

I'm so sorry this has happened

Yes I believe you could class it as rape op. If you wish to you can put a pin in that for now if you feel it would be overwhelming with everything else going on though.

But I'd advise to to your gp perhaps and get checked over by a nurse. Tell them what happened. So that there is record of the assault.

Photograph any injuries. Eg: bruising on the insides of your leg if there is any.

You may be wise to have your locks changed. Or at least sleep with the keys turned in the locks. So he can't get into the home when you are sleeping.

Start dealing with the practical stuff like the divorce. Warn him he is to stay away from you in future or the police will be contacted.

Please get counselling and quickly.

Take your time to consider if you want to report him for rape.

Block him on your phone etc and put in a claim to CMS.

I have some bruises on my arms and wrists but nothing huge, and a couple on the inside of my leg, plush long scratch. I will take photos.

I am sore. And had to get the morning after pill this morning. But mostly I am just devastated.

Your Ex is not a nice guy OP.
He seems to think because you were married he can do what he wants to you physically emotionally and financially.
It does not sound as if you consented.
You need to protect yourself, get an STD test, change your locks , speak to a rape crisis centre.they will support you if you want to press charges. You are vulnerable and he took advantage.
Contact CMS and a solicitor. He needs to start paying child support and you need him out of your life.

I am so sorry for you. Please don’t put any blame on yourself. Dealing with the sex issue first, it sure doesn’t sound like consent was given by you and his behaviour was appalling, (it could also be considered a criminal).

We all learn by our mistakes, but you’ve never been in this position before so how could you be possibly ready to insist on boundaries you could never know you needed or even know he would ignore? If you can, (and I’m sure it will be hard) try and put this behind you. You don’t sound as if you are likely to report him, but that is entirely your call.

Regarding him walking out and “needing to find time for himself”. Well wouldn’t we all dearie (as my mother would have said).

He still has responsibilities - the children and the mortgage, he’s behaved badly on both these accounts. I think you have been much too kind about this in trying to understand him and his mental health. Maybe because this is at odds with the person you thought you had been married to for so long, but looking at his behaviour now, I can’t think of any excuses and he is behaving so badly to you and his children.

Others may come along and say there’s probably another woman and he wanted to have sex with you to see if there was still a spark there, or if he was better off with his new woman. I don’t know.

But I am divorcing and I now no longer believe anything that comes out of my STBXHs mouth. We had been together 40 years. Therapy has helped me see that he had always been a selfish and manipulative person. When he realised I was no longer playing by his rules, he has resorted to outright lies and bullying.

You need to find your anger, find and tell your support group, and talk with a solicitor. It’s very hard to go from loving someone to realising they didn’t deserve even one iota of your love in the first place.

If you feel there’s anyone to blame, remember it’s him, all him. Bless you and I hope you find a way to get through the next few days, weeks and months to come.

Unfortunately your marriage is over.

it ended before Christmas.

You needed to contact CMS in December, but it's not too late.

He raped you last night.

I'm so sorry @ijustneedtokeepbreathing , please dont feel that any of this is your fault, you were vunerable and he took advantage of that and used you for his own ends. It was rape and you'd be well advised to call the police, I know you're trying to keep a connection for your DC but he'll take advantage of that too, he's not a good person. Time to find your anger and use it to move on

He raped you. I can imagine how messed up you must feel. I hope you find the strength to report?
Have you contacted women's aid?

Speak to Rights of Women to get an occupation order on the house. You will likely need to report the rape to get this but it's essential for you and the DC safety and security that you do.

Hi OP, if you want this recorded you can go to your local Sexual Assault Referral Centre. They can take photos and evidence and store it for you in case you want to use it at a later date. They’d also advise on counselling and further support

I'm so sorry he did this to you. He is a piece of shit. I hope you are ok and that you can get the support you need and deserve.

I'm so sorry OP. That is rape. What an absolute bastard.

Thank you @DorothyWasRightTho . I don't know if I want to report it right now, but if they could take photos etc and keep any evidence for a later date then that would help.

Please do that @ijustneedtokeepbreathing ❤️

@ijustneedtokeepbreathing - you’re right to get evidence now. You might decide never to use it but you will have it if you do.