This is really bad now, isn't it?

[ijustneedtokeepbreathing]

I just need to get this out. I feel shaken and sick.

I almost don’t know where to start. I posted about this before under a different username. Shortly before Xmas, my husband (married 14 years, but together for longer) walked out on me and our 3 kids. As in, he said he needed to take time to himself as he didn’t know what he wanted any longer, and went. After that time he has hardly seen our kids, but I have encouraged him to do so for them. There have been a few occasions where he said he would and we tentatively made a plan, but then he didn’t show up for them. We own our house jointly, everything is in joint names. He has made no financial contributions to the kids or anything else since he left, his salary is now being paid into a separate bank acc. I earn enough to just about keep us afloat.

That’s the context. I have been numb with shock and just been trying to get through each day for the kids, trying to hold it together.

Fast forward to now. Over the last couple of weeks, we have been talking at length on the phone, messaging. He has told me (and I think believe him) that there is no one else, but he just isn’t sure he wants the life we have together any longer. We have had long chats about his mental health, pressures we have both been under etc. I thought – perhaps stupidly – that this was a way back to him seeing the kids. I suppose a small and stupid part of me thought there might still be hope for our relationship, because it has been clear that he has felt conflicted and I have wondered if he has had some kind of breakdown, encouraged him to get help etc, we spoke about putting financial arrangements in place. While all the time I have felt totally heartbroken.

Long story short, I have been stupid and let all the boundaries I have tried to put in place collapse. I said yes to him coming over for a face to face chat (kids not in the house, thank god). I want to say I had sex with him, but I am not entirely sure that is what happened. I was just so pathetically upset that when he initiated it, quite forcefully, I got even more upset and just . . . . let him. I literally just lay there crying the whole time and thinking how much I have messed up. He didn’t even really acknowledge the fact that I was sobbing. That was yesterday.

This is bad isn’t it. I have lost all perspective and feel that my judgement has gone.

But this is bad, right? I don’t know what to feel, what to do. I have spent today on autopilot.

I needed to spew this out. There is no one I can tell IRL. I don't know how it has come to this.

Yeah the bruises on the inside of the leg are a common indication of the act being against consent imo.

I suspect he will be radio silence for a few days knowing you may be reporting him and shitting it now OR he may try to mosey right back in so that he can bulldoze you and control things and stop you thinking clearly enough to report him.

So whatever you do, get those locks changed ASAP/leave keys in lock (partially turn them so he can't just push them out from the other side).
Maybe consider having a family member stay with you for a while if possible.

Don't answer the door if he shows up. Just shout 'go away, I'm calling the police'.

I have nothing to add to what people have said, but wanted to send you support. Sounds like you need legal advice asap, and need to have the finances sorted - how he can expect not to contribute and this be ok beggars belief.

You were not stupid OP. You are doing your absolute best for your children in extremely difficult circumstances. You are exhausted and emotionally shattered. he took advantage of that. This is not your fault.

God what an utter bastard. I'm so sorry he did that to you, and please don't beat yourself up that it was in any way your fault. You've had some great advice, I'll just add, please,please be kind to yourself.

Thank you for the supportive comments.

I just don't recognise him. In all the time we have been together, I have never seen an indication of any of this. He was a good dad.

I am so sorry OP, but please see the GP/call and report this so photos are taken and there is evidence of what happened. You don’t have to take it further than that right now, but your husband clearly isn’t to be trusted and you want to protect yourself as much as possible from any tactics he might employ in future to get his way with you/custody/financial arrangements. You don’t want to be kicking yourself that everything is he said/she said - it doesn’t have to be, start arming yourself.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? It might help you find your inner resolve and understand better the degree to which this is not you but him. Lots of it may not be applicable, but if he is prepared to force himself on you then some of it certainly will be.

Im so sorry you’re having to go through this. You and your children deserve far better 💐

Thank you @samqueens . I will look at that book when I have managed to get some sleep.

I hope you manage to get some rest
xxx

@Pinkbonbon thanks for the advice about the locks. I have booked a locksmith.

You have been attacked, you won’t know at the moment if you want to proceed or report it. But do seek medical help and the injuries will be recorded if you decide to.

More importantly NEVER be alone with your ex ever again. It is definitely not safe for you to do so.

What a horrible experience. I'm so sorry. Have you heard from him since?

@determinedtomakethiswork no, not heard anything. Think tomorrow I will ask my friend to visit for a few days as I know she is off work this week.

I am so sorry to read this @ijustneedtokeepbreathing You were already going through an horrendous time and then he has done this action on too. Definitely record and report. You have it then should you wish to pursue I would mute him on your phone, see a solicitor, protect money and stop children to see him. Ime men change once a wife calls time on their relationship. It's amazing how many forget they have children.