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Original poster

I can't get over his porn addiction, time for me to go alone.

41 replies

wouldlovearoast · 12/02/2024 11:48

Am I being too dramatic?

Last week I found out my fiance had an addiction to porn before I met him.
He thought he was over his addiction so didn't feel the need to tell me and thought he had control over it, despite me having children (age 3 and 4) and me being fully honest with my past, he clearly didn't feel like he could be honest like me.
Couple of years down the line he proposed, then we had a miscarriage (we were not trying) and it effected me badly. His porn addiction re-surfaced due to money issues he was having along with feeling like I was emotionally unavailable and just other stresses of life. Lovely.
Anyway - he opened up and told me last week about his addiction. Some may say it's a positive thing he's been honest, and he's making all the right steps with going to therapy etc but it's not enough for me.
I don't trust him, the thought of him relapsing in hard times is just not a stress I want to live with. I want to put all my effort into my children, not having the added stress of worrying if he will relapse. Plus I don't trust him, now don't find him attractive and I don't see how it will get better.
So I'm leaving him - starting again (again) with my two children, I only want the best for my children, and myself. I know no one is perfect - but this is something I can't get past.
The house will have to go up for sale and ill have to look for a small house I can afford or rent, which doesn't bother me at all - I just don't want this to effect my children since we have only just moved houses last year. Thats not a reason to stay with him, everything I do is for them - including this.
I'm just sad - I really thought things were on track in my life and I had finally met someone who treated me and my children so well - like princesses, but maybe he over compensated because of this dark secret.
I do feel like I don't want a man ever again and it going to be one long lonley life. Ide rather be alone than have a lifetime of worrying.
Maybe ill regret it but in all honesty Ide regret it either way - this way I know Im doing the right thing for my children which is all that matters. Or am I been too dramatic about it all?

I don't even know why I'm writing on here, maybe just for words of encouragement and everything will be ok. Thanks

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 12/02/2024 11:52

I’m impressed! Well done for seeing your boundaries clearly and acting on what’s best for you and your DC.

I would say he has behaved well in seeking treatment. So many men seem to think it’s women who need to change to accommodate the problems a man is struggling with. It’s good to see one taking responsibility.

Good luck 💐

Lavender14 · 12/02/2024 11:58

I think he's had a difficult time, (as have you) and he's identified that he's using an unhealthy coping mechanism to get through it and he's taken the difficult steps to firstly be open with you off his own bat, and secondly hold himself accountable and take the actions he needed to take to get in control of it again. I can't really fault him there to be honest. He's done exactly what you'd want him to do in that scenario. And none of us are completely immune to developing unhealthy ways of coping when we're under significant stress.

That being said, you are entitled to have the type of relationship you want, you know your boundaries and what you can cope with and you've acted on those. I can't really fault that either.

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 12/02/2024 11:58

I just checked in on your last thread to see how you were doing!

And you're doing great.

You will be sad, of course, but it's much much much better than a lifetime of questions and feeling not enough for him and like you had to have sex just to keep him on the straight and narrow.

Xenoi24 · 12/02/2024 12:13

Personally I think you're doing the right thing op.

And I wouldn't be so hopeless about meeting someone else decent sooner or later .... It's not him or no one. There are plenty of other people out there are you are quite young.

Tetsuo · 12/02/2024 12:25

I think you're making a really solid and positive choice and saving yourself years of pain.

You are also setting an excellent example for your DCs.

Bloody well done.

Tetsuo · 12/02/2024 12:41

Lavender14 · 12/02/2024 11:58

I think he's had a difficult time, (as have you) and he's identified that he's using an unhealthy coping mechanism to get through it and he's taken the difficult steps to firstly be open with you off his own bat, and secondly hold himself accountable and take the actions he needed to take to get in control of it again. I can't really fault him there to be honest. He's done exactly what you'd want him to do in that scenario. And none of us are completely immune to developing unhealthy ways of coping when we're under significant stress.

That being said, you are entitled to have the type of relationship you want, you know your boundaries and what you can cope with and you've acted on those. I can't really fault that either.

Of course we're all vulnerable to a greater or lesser extent to maladaptive coping strategies.

OP is absolutely right to not welcome someone else's into her life.

Your post feels a bit like an excuse. It is great that he recognises what's happening. It's even greater that he doesn't attempt a relationship until he's addressed whatever ails him.

Original poster
wouldlovearoast · 12/02/2024 13:16

Thankyou everyone.

I'm glad he's getting help and being honest. But I just don't want to have a lifetime of worry for a relapse, it's such an unhealthy way to live.
That also brings lack of trust and I don't respect him now, I want to invest all my emotion and love into my children and don't want this to be compromised in worrying about his mental state.
I know its a real mental health issue, but it isnt a healthy one and its a bit gross and having a dark cloud over me and my children is not a happy and fulfilling way to live. I'm just so gutted I am back at the start again and just feel like I keep making mistakes I just don't want any of this to impact my children

OP posts:
Tetsuo · 12/02/2024 13:26

No, don't think like that.

You've made a really positive and healthy decision.

It's a good thing, you are a woman that's made a positive choice.

It may feel shit for a bit, I guarantee you'll be feeling pretty good about this down the line.

Honestly, yey, go you!

Original poster
wouldlovearoast · 12/02/2024 13:48

Thanks everyone, guess I am just full of sadness and self pity which is not a nice feeling, I know I'm doing the right thing and times a healer. It's going to be a rough year but longing for the day when it's just me and them and no worries of someone else compromising that

OP posts:
TheMoonstone · 12/02/2024 13:56

Well done you, what a great role model you are for your children! Showing that we are prepared to try, but have healthy boundaries, is vital for children’s long term outlook on life.

I was a pretty content single parent in my forties with four children (teens and primary) when I completely unexpectedly fell in love with a truly lovely man…we’ve done having houses within a couple of minutes walk from each other but never contemplated a joint home. It’s worked wonderfully for many years.

Namexhanged · 12/02/2024 13:58

You're not going to regret this! Well done

TheMoonstone · 12/02/2024 14:06

Oh, and I know you will feel low, lonely, sad, all sorts of feelings - but please know there are lots of women out here so proud of you. Time will help; hold your head up high lovey.

healthywino · 12/02/2024 14:17

I seem to be a lone voice here, but this seems like a huge over reaction.

You are divorcing him because he watches porn? How much porn are we talking about? Why would this affect your children, presumably he does this in private?

I have watched porn. It's purely my business. My DH went through a spell of watching porn and not having enough sex with me. He was given an ultimatum and he has now stopped and our sex life is back on track. I think it was because he had a fear of ED actually, but that's all sorted now.

I think the most telling thing, is that you don't fancy him anymore. And of course you can leave for any reason.

Tetsuo · 12/02/2024 14:36

healthywino · 12/02/2024 14:17

I seem to be a lone voice here, but this seems like a huge over reaction.

You are divorcing him because he watches porn? How much porn are we talking about? Why would this affect your children, presumably he does this in private?

I have watched porn. It's purely my business. My DH went through a spell of watching porn and not having enough sex with me. He was given an ultimatum and he has now stopped and our sex life is back on track. I think it was because he had a fear of ED actually, but that's all sorted now.

I think the most telling thing, is that you don't fancy him anymore. And of course you can leave for any reason.

A; They're not married.

B; Maybe try reading OP's previous thread that has been referenced throughout this one.

C; Bully for you and your casual porn use, would you pop on a thread where an OP was splitting with their partner because of their alcoholism to let them know you enjoy the occasional glass of wine and your husband went a bit overboard with the cocktails a while ago, but he's OK now.

healthywino · 12/02/2024 15:10

Blimey, someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning! 😂

Original poster
wouldlovearoast · 12/02/2024 15:17

@healthywino no we're not married. We were due to marry later this year.
It's important to say I'm not against porn - watching it a healthy amount does not bother me and I know a lot of people do it. But his wasn't a healthy amount - he would sneak to the loo and watch it whilst I am there, do it when I am in the room next door to him etc. Even adverts with people in swimwear triggers it so he doesn't have social media. Thats the level. And it was always triggered when he was stressed or if I was stressed from a miscarriage we had or work stresses, we may not have sex for a couple of days and he would resort back to his addiction.

It wouldn't make you feel very good about yourself would it? Worry that every time I am stressed or not sexually available he may delve back into his addiction. Or having to turn a programme off when sex scene or someone in underwear worry that will trigger him?

It's just not a healthy atmosphere or way to live a life full of worry and feeling like I am not good enough

OP posts:
healthywino · 12/02/2024 15:21

Okay, so I've just looked at the other thread. So, Op found out on 5th February that her fiance has had a porn addiction in the past, and that he watches some porn now.

It doesn't affect their relationship at all, in so much as they have a good and regular sex life. In fact, he is so discreet, that for the past 2 years she has had no idea that he was sometimes watching it.

She says she's madly in love with him, and he has been the perfect partner plus a great step dad to her children.

Fast forward just 7 days and she's calling off the wedding and leaving him. Total knee jerk reaction to a small bump in the road. And given that most men watch porn, I highly doubt that the next guy she dates will be any different.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2024 15:22

I really admire your resolve, your courage, and your ability to see this problem with such clarity and act in the best interests of your children (and your own best interests too, frankly).

Yes, you will grieve the future you thought you had. It will be hard to feel you're inhabiting your life again. There will be days when you feel sad, and you may find yourself second guessing your decision.

But you will get past all of this. Let time and your commitment to your children buoy you up and carry you through.

Wishing you and your children every good thing.

WeeOrcadian · 12/02/2024 15:25

I'm sure I've seen a very similar post to this, very recently

I know someone like this - he watches from the second he wakes until the second he falls asleep
On the bus
In a restaurant
In the loo at work

It's grim

He's attended 'meetings' before today but he's relapsed and can no longer hold a meaningful or deep relationship with anyone, he struggles to climax with a partner and his life revolves around porn

You won't regret it OP, trust me

healthywino · 12/02/2024 15:31

wouldlovearoast · 12/02/2024 15:17

@healthywino no we're not married. We were due to marry later this year.
It's important to say I'm not against porn - watching it a healthy amount does not bother me and I know a lot of people do it. But his wasn't a healthy amount - he would sneak to the loo and watch it whilst I am there, do it when I am in the room next door to him etc. Even adverts with people in swimwear triggers it so he doesn't have social media. Thats the level. And it was always triggered when he was stressed or if I was stressed from a miscarriage we had or work stresses, we may not have sex for a couple of days and he would resort back to his addiction.

It wouldn't make you feel very good about yourself would it? Worry that every time I am stressed or not sexually available he may delve back into his addiction. Or having to turn a programme off when sex scene or someone in underwear worry that will trigger him?

It's just not a healthy atmosphere or way to live a life full of worry and feeling like I am not good enough

I hear what you are saying, but I still think that there is much to be salvaged here. You love him, he loves you. You say he has been a wonderful partner and a good step Dad. I don't think this is the hill to die on. Most men watch porn, it has no bearing on how much they fancy their wives. I think it has to be worth working at this together.

Motherland2624 · 12/02/2024 15:36

I think u are being very dramatic it’s just porn what has your young children got to do with it are you suggesting porn =paedophillia? Its not like he is a heroin addict and relapsed if you are that prudish maybe u shouldn’t date anyone again

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/02/2024 15:42

It's not 'an addiction to porn' though, is it? It's an addiction to 'wanking yourself stupid every minute you have spare'. And who wants to spend any time with someone for whom that is their preferred hobby, however it may or may not impact on their life?

Original poster
wouldlovearoast · 12/02/2024 15:49

@healthywino I know most men watch it, but his is an unhealthy amount when times are not good. It's a comfort thing and stress handling thing. I don't like the fact that he left until now to tell me he has an addiction - Ive been honest and open with him about things in my life, I expected the same from someone who I am meant to be marrying. Its the sneakyness of it I don't like - the fact that he cant have social media incase it trigger it, I can't watch certain programmes incase it triggers it, that isnt a healthy way to live is it? I wouldnt care if it was every now and again, but he has an addiction so his level of watching it should be 0.

@Motherland2624 No I am not insinuating porn=paedophillia. I am saying I don't want to have to be worrying about his addiction when I have two young children to worry about.

OP posts:
Tetsuo · 12/02/2024 15:57

I can't believe posters are popping up and trying to erode @wouldlovearoast's really healthy boundaries.

Really odd that you would do that.

chatenoire · 12/02/2024 15:58

If you had enough/ it's too much for you, then you've made the right choice.

My DH is addicted to porn (because once an addict, always an addict) and I wouldn't have married him if I had known the extent of it.

Two years after him coming fully clean we're happy, but I wouldn't go through that again.

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