I can't get over his porn addiction, time for me to go alone.

[wouldlovearoast]

Am I being too dramatic?

Last week I found out my fiance had an addiction to porn before I met him.
He thought he was over his addiction so didn't feel the need to tell me and thought he had control over it, despite me having children (age 3 and 4) and me being fully honest with my past, he clearly didn't feel like he could be honest like me.
Couple of years down the line he proposed, then we had a miscarriage (we were not trying) and it effected me badly. His porn addiction re-surfaced due to money issues he was having along with feeling like I was emotionally unavailable and just other stresses of life. Lovely.
Anyway - he opened up and told me last week about his addiction. Some may say it's a positive thing he's been honest, and he's making all the right steps with going to therapy etc but it's not enough for me.
I don't trust him, the thought of him relapsing in hard times is just not a stress I want to live with. I want to put all my effort into my children, not having the added stress of worrying if he will relapse. Plus I don't trust him, now don't find him attractive and I don't see how it will get better.
So I'm leaving him - starting again (again) with my two children, I only want the best for my children, and myself. I know no one is perfect - but this is something I can't get past.
The house will have to go up for sale and ill have to look for a small house I can afford or rent, which doesn't bother me at all - I just don't want this to effect my children since we have only just moved houses last year. Thats not a reason to stay with him, everything I do is for them - including this.
I'm just sad - I really thought things were on track in my life and I had finally met someone who treated me and my children so well - like princesses, but maybe he over compensated because of this dark secret.
I do feel like I don't want a man ever again and it going to be one long lonley life. Ide rather be alone than have a lifetime of worrying.
Maybe ill regret it but in all honesty Ide regret it either way - this way I know Im doing the right thing for my children which is all that matters. Or am I been too dramatic about it all?

I don't even know why I'm writing on here, maybe just for words of encouragement and everything will be ok. Thanks

@chatenoire we may be happy down the line which I'm happy you found that, or I just maybe more miserable and stuck with kids to him or marriage and heavier commitments. I just don't want to be waiting for him to relapse, which he will because he is an addict.
I just don't think I can take the risk especially after one failed marriage I can't take the risk for myself or my children, and once the trust goes I just don't want to waste my time in trying to get it back. Ive been there and done it. Trust is everything at the end of it all isn't it?

I’m sorry but I don’t understand how the lack of trust is gone is he supposed to not wank or look at any porn for your relationship to be successful if so is that something u discussed at the beginning of your relationship as a deal breaker?

@Motherland2624 your missing the point. It’s not the fact he watches porn. He’s a porn/sex addict. Also because he hasn’t opened up until now when I’m ‘locked in’ - engage and bought a house together. He should have told me earlier. I’ve been through a fair amount of rubbish in a relationship the least I owe myself is to be in an open and honest relationship

Why are people weirdly invested in convincing the OP to stay with someone she has such strong and legitimate doubts about?

He told her he started up again when she was going through a miscarriage which is despicable; the underlying message being that if she doesn't service him to his requirements, regardless of what she may be going through, then he'll be furiously wanking every time she leaves a room. He wants to treat her like a blow up doll or something.

OP, you're right, and you're doing great.

I think you're missing the point. This isn't about the OP's DP having the odd wank looking at porn. Even though for some on MN that would a LTB crime, it doesn't sound like it would be for the OP. It sounds like he gets completely obsessed and porn takes over such that he can't even see a woman in a bikini on a tv advert without compulsively going off to look at Pornhub (or whatever). OP - Have I understood you right?

@Moonfishstar hit the nail on the head. Also, the times when there’s been lack of intimacy it’s legit reason, I’m poorly or stress with work or miscarriage and it would only be sex for a week the most - not months. Now I feel like anytime I am not in the place to have sex I’ll feel like I have to to stop him wanking. I wouldn’t care him wanking, but he’s got an addiction and it’s not healthy, simple as

He told her he started up again when she was going through a miscarriage which is despicable; the underlying message being that if she doesn't service him to his requirements, regardless of what she may be going through, then he'll be furiously wanking every time she leaves a room. He wants to treat her like a blow up doll or something.

I think the OP is reasonable to have had serious concerns about the relationship based on this, but I don't think this guy is "despicable" for having a compulsion anymore than an alcoholic is despicable for relapsing at a time of stress.

Lots of people (men and women) - perhaps most people even - use masturbation as a form of stress relief, especially if their DP isn't able or wanting to have sex. I don't think that's odd or wrong.

And to follow up on my last message, when he's going through these episodes, I would imagine that even if the OP made herself available for sex twice daily, he'd still be sneaking off to watch porn at every opportunity! That's the issue, not the fact he has wank when the OP isn't in a place for sex.

@Tetsuo in theory that sounds fine, except he had already addressed it, moved on, entered a new relationship in his faith and was already in it when he relapsed years later.

Unfortunately that's the reality of ANY addiction that you may relapse at any point after getting things in order. By your theory no one with an addiction issue would ever have a relationship again because there's always a risk of relapse. You can't ask more of someone than to deal with that appropriately if it occurs and obviously to take whatever preventative steps they can in the meantime to help them steer clear of old negative coping strategies. It's not an excuse it's just reality.

And op is fully entitled and right to make whatever decisions she feels is right for her and her children in response to that. Which she's rightly done.

Also op, just to say you don't need to explain your logic or reasoning to anyone here (although i think you've made your points very clearly and to me it sounds very reasonable). Your boundaries are yours to make. And at the end of the day everyone is entitled to move on if they feel their current relationship isn't working for them. It's noones place on here to tell op that she's 'over reacting' or that it's 'just porn' her deal breakers are her deal breakers. I'm not sure why you'd encourage any woman to settle for less than she feels emotionally safe with in a relationship. Sex and intimacy are often a huge part of a team so if one person is unable to maintain a healthy approach to sex and intimacy then that's bound to have an effect on their partner and that partner is well within their rights to leave.

They're not married and don't have kids together
This is the best time to leave

Exactly @Namexhanged …or put up with a lifetime of worrying and anxiety. Ide rather put that emotion into my children

You are planning to break up with your fiancee, step-dad to your children, and co-owner of your home because he watches porn twice a week, but also you don't mind him watching porn or wanking? It doesn't really make sense. To answer the question in your OP, this does seem like a huge overreaction.

Just out of curiosity, but would you think the same if his addiction eventually led to him watching child sexual abuse images? Would that be pedophilia to you or still just an addiction that's less severe than heroin?

You're doing the right thing, within days of him admitting he had a porn addiction which took over his whole life he then started backtracking saying he wasn't really an addict and he just watched it a bit more than he would have liked.

If he got 'clean' now he won't tell you the next time he relapses, so it will inevitably only be found out when you discover it in some way.

You're right that worrying about triggers is no way to live either.

Hi Op, just checking in! Hope all is okay