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Original poster

He won't tell me who she is

37 replies

Tursl · 12/02/2024 10:02

I saw my boyfriend last night. He showed me a story of woman on Facebook as she done her own advertising video for some make up and it made him laugh. He was laughing and said you know how I know her then he said he better not tell me. This made me feel comfortable. Why the big secret on how he knows her. I sent a message to him when I got home with a picture of her profile and said I did not feel comfortable with him deciding not to tell me who she was. He has read the message and not replied.

He has a bad habit of remaining Facebook friends with people who have fancied him in the past and one person was a Plenty of Fish date from years ago and was commenting on his photos trying to get his attention again a few months ago even though he has posted photos of us together so she knows he is not single.

I am not one to control who people are friends with but this secretiveness has made me feel anxious.

OP posts:
muckcook · 12/02/2024 10:08

Sounds like you are controlling OP. As much as you think ( wish) you weren't

Why can't he be friends with people who have merely fancied him?! That's extreme

However, the whole faux ' oh I better not tell you how I know her' is cringingly desperate. He clearly has dated her and he wants you to know it but also wants to create a drama about it. And you are buying straight in to that drama.

If you like chaos and never knowing where your feet are, then this is win for you. Otherwise move on to someone more level headed.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/02/2024 10:11

You both sound immature.

MoonWoman69 · 12/02/2024 10:15

Are there other red flags in the relationship? It does sound like he's trying to make you jealous to me! But then men can sometimes be dicks with stuff like this! How is the rest of the relationship?

Seaoftroubles · 12/02/2024 10:15

He trying to cause drama and make you feel unsettled and jealous. Next thing you know he will be telling you that you are too sensitive! If you know he has form for enjoying lots of attention from old girlfriends then decide if you really want to continue with the relationship. He sounds like hard work to me.

Shiningout · 12/02/2024 10:17

You're absolutely playing into exactly how he wanted you to react. He said ooh i better not tell you how I know her and made a point of showing you her profile - why would he do that?? The best thing you could do would be to act completely unbothered by it. A bit late for that now I guess though

Aposterhasnoname · 12/02/2024 10:18

You both need to grow up

Mrsttcno1 · 12/02/2024 11:51

Aposterhasnoname · 12/02/2024 10:18

You both need to grow up

100% this

Fupoffyagrasshole · 12/02/2024 12:05

ohhh the drama!! think you just both need to grow up as others have said

Original poster
Tursl · 12/02/2024 12:13

Some unhelpful replies. Why the f did he say it in the first place. Is this the modern dating nonsense of purposely making your partner feel threatened is ok.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 12/02/2024 12:20

Can you really be arsed with these silly DM drama games. You know relationships don’t have to be like this?

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 12/02/2024 12:24

Childish games to make you jealous. It's obviously working. You can either just ignore it or talk to him about how it makes you feel.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/02/2024 12:26

Tursl · 12/02/2024 12:13

Some unhelpful replies. Why the f did he say it in the first place. Is this the modern dating nonsense of purposely making your partner feel threatened is ok.

OP none of the replies are unhelpful they are factual, the pair of you need to grow up.

He’s made a stupid comment and you’re obsessing over it, you both need to get a grip. You seem to be quite a jealous person given your comments about his Facebook friends so you also need to work on that. Isn’t it possible he was going to tell you where he knew he from, but then remembered you obsess over his Facebook friends and comments on photos so decided against it?

FartSock5000 · 12/02/2024 12:39

@Tursl he is a child. He enjoys drama and making you feel insecure and uncomfortable.

Dump him and find a grown up. The mind games will turn you into a mess.

This isn't a healthy, happy relationship that will last. There is no care, respect or even love.

Chuck the drama-llama and find a big boy.

cakeytime · 12/02/2024 12:39

I wouldn’t continue this relationship OP.

Its early days for this relationship but
he’s trying to make you feel jealous which is a very negative emotion.
He’s making you wonder if he’s cheating.
He’s enjoying your discomfort and destroying your trust.

He cold nip this in the bud by being transparent and reassuring but he’s not.
Is there any future in this relationship ?

SherrieElmer · 12/02/2024 12:43

Both of you sound extremely childish. I would LTB but you need to grow up.

cakeytime · 12/02/2024 13:01

Nothing wrong with being friends on Facebook with previous girlfriends.

Issue is his lack of reassurance and his enjoyment of winding you up.
This is a red flag.

Getonnow · 12/02/2024 13:04

I agree the issue isn't remaining FB friends with exes, that's healthy enough. It's not Ok that he enjoys making you feel anxious. It won't improve, cut your losses.

Bookworm20 · 12/02/2024 13:10

Seaoftroubles · 12/02/2024 10:15

He trying to cause drama and make you feel unsettled and jealous. Next thing you know he will be telling you that you are too sensitive! If you know he has form for enjoying lots of attention from old girlfriends then decide if you really want to continue with the relationship. He sounds like hard work to me.

This.

You are not controlling. He was being a dick.

Bookworm20 · 12/02/2024 13:16

You are also not childish OP. Ignore the higher than thou crowd.
Your BF did something to intentionally make you jealous.
And you asked the question, why would someone do that.
The answer is because he likes to have his little ego massaged and for whatever reason enjoys keeping you slightly on edge. Makes him feel powerful I expect.
Its not normal. He is a dickhead.
Nice men do not make their girlfriends feel insecure, at least not intentionally.
Throw this one back. He'll do similar again. He enjoys it.

retinolalcohol · 12/02/2024 13:23

He's said it to make you feel insecure and jealous - he may not even know her at all. I don't know about anyone else, but if there was someone from my past that I didn't want to discuss with my partner I just wouldn't mention them. Think that's how most normal people operate. He wanted drama and to knock you off balance. You are playing right into his hands. This is what he wanted.

But, for the record, I'm not judging your reaction because I'd feel exactly the same. Not because my partner has a past and has dated people he's still friends with on social media, but because of the deliberate attempt to bait me. The issue is that he wanted to make you feel paranoid and shit - it's his pathetic and juvenile way of keeping you down.

These aren't the actions of someone who cares about your feelings, so really why are you still with him?

Cosmosforbreakfast · 12/02/2024 13:25

He's playing head games. This is an early indication of control and abuse. Don't waste time with men like this.

retinolalcohol · 12/02/2024 13:26

Bookworm20 · 12/02/2024 13:16

You are also not childish OP. Ignore the higher than thou crowd.
Your BF did something to intentionally make you jealous.
And you asked the question, why would someone do that.
The answer is because he likes to have his little ego massaged and for whatever reason enjoys keeping you slightly on edge. Makes him feel powerful I expect.
Its not normal. He is a dickhead.
Nice men do not make their girlfriends feel insecure, at least not intentionally.
Throw this one back. He'll do similar again. He enjoys it.

Exactly this.

Some men thrive on their partners being insecure. It makes them feel powerful and important to have women 'fighting' over them (even if this fight is entirely invented within their own heads).

His ego is much more important to him than your feelings and security.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2024 13:27

Why are you dating this twat? Raise the bar.

Opentooffers · 12/02/2024 13:35

Exactly OP, he purposefully drops a bit of info on something you need not know about, then says " oh but I'd better not tell you". It's clear game-playing, set up to pit you on the back foot. A nice guy doesn't pull this crap, hence he's not someone to trust with your interests. I'd be out the door. The why is not important, just that he behaves this way is enough.
A bit like you couldn't of known about the woman from pof without him telling you. He will do more until your an insecure mess, if you let him.

Hiddenvoice · 12/02/2024 13:42

I think he’s said it to be annoying and what he thinks is funny and then realised you’ll get worried and start questioning him so now he’s gone quiet.

I have exes, people I’ve liked and people I’ve previously dated on social media, it doesn’t always mean anything from it. So I wouldn’t expect him to go deleting others unless they were causing problems.