What do I do? Leave? Or stay?

[Firstmom264]

I feel like I’m fighting head vs heart.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I’m a solo parent to a 9 year old, he has a 4 year old.. in 2 years he’s never met my family or bonded with my son. He’ll come round when my son is in bed or leave when he’s coming back from school.. I feel like I’m living a double life. I love spending time with him, the date nights, the belly laughs, staying up late talking, the holidays, the mini breaks, the sweet texts. When it’s just me and him in that little bubble it feels amazing. And then I have this seperate life with my son, we spend so much time together me and him.. we cook together, play together, movie nights, takeaways nights, days out etc. as you can imagine my son doesn’t like him. He’s picked up on the fact I’ve got a boyfriend but he’s never ‘around’ and my family have given up asking to meet him (2 years is a long time to keep asking) my heart is so attached to him, I love him. But my head is saying ‘this isn’t right’. Lately he’s been saying he’s sick of living at his moms house and wants to move in with me.. in an ideal world I would love this, I’d be so excited, but all I can think of is ‘I can’t move someone in that doesn’t bother with my son’. It’s got to the point I’ve been thinking of excuses to put him off but I can’t think of any. I know people will say to leave but I just I just can’t, or at least I’m not ready. I don’t know what to do or how to bide some time.. I feel like I’m going crazy and I’ve got no where or no one to talk to..

Leave. You already know you need to do this.

Put your son before yourself. Come on now.

Have you talked to him about it?

You can’t live with someone you can’t properly talk to about your most important thoughts.

He shouldn’t be wanting to move in just because you present a better lifestyle than his parents’ house!

And obviously he can’t just crash into your Ds’s home unless there is a relationship and your Ds feels confident and secure with him. That takes time and care.

He’s not really acting like a boyfriend is he though? Not one looking to make a long term commitment anyway. He’s more like a fuck buddy with how committed to this relationship based on his actions.

have you discussed future plans?

have you met his family and friends? Do you stay at his house?

Out of interest, wha type of father is he to his own child? What is your relationship like with his child and family?

Have you met his child?

And he can't just move in, when he's never met your son!

He sees his son once or twice a week.. he’s a lovely boy and I’ve made an effort with his son (when I’ve seen him) met his family at the start of our relationship and seen them here and there (he’s not the closest with his family) but I’ve met them

No, you need to bin him, OP. No interest in meeting your son nor your wider family after two years, that’s not acceptable. He only wants to move in, because he’s sick of living at his Mum’s house and you’re a convenient option. Another woman to house him and look after him.
Dump him and find someone who cares enough about you to also care about your son.

We’ve had many long talks about the future.. he’d love more children, so would I, talked about living together etc.. I’ve met his family, met his son.. in 2 years we have took both our children out for days out, sleepovers etc but few and far between. He’s not the closest with his family so he doesn’t spend much time around them so therefore neither have I but when he’s asked me to, I have..

Why does your heart not feel anger on your son's behalf? This man has made no effort to become part of that child's life. He just wants the child's mother. Your son is baggage in his eyes.

Agree with pp. This all sounds like a hiding to nothing.

He has shown you who he is. Moving in together would be disastrous.

Put your child first. Bin off the man child.

At the start I just assumed he’d warm to my son eventually, that maybe he was just shy or nervous.. you have no idea how many times I’ve cried over it, brought it up in arguments etc.. I think as times gone on I’ve shielded him away. Me and him have such a close bond, it’s always been me and him that I make our time special.. days out, shopping trips, movie nights etc.. regards to my boyfriend because he isn’t around him I always think ‘what he doesn’t see doesn’t bother him’ and it never has. He’s got no feeling towards my boyfriend because he’s not around him

I agree with @Themuffintop , you’ve got a man child, not a partner.

OP there is not much foundation here.

What is making you feel you want to pursue things?

I just still feel that love for him, even though I know I shouldn’t. I met him at a time when I was struggling. I was 25 when I met him.. I had no life. Just school run, work, school run, cooking, cleaning, washing ironing. No social life. Meeting him made me feel alive again. I had someone who made me feel good, I could do things with, go out with, experience new things.. the holidays, concerts, days out, the surprises have been a bonus. He made me feel like i was more than just ‘mom’.. i still love him and I’m not ready to go back to being alone again

You don’t actually have a close bond though. He avoids your son and you’ve had to ask mumsnet if you should leave him.

Put your son first. After my parents divorced, my dad’s girlfriends were so lovely to me. This behaviour isn’t normal.

Op you should surely know that ‘not wanting to be alone’ is absolutely not a reason to stay with someone.

Whenever he’s around my son he’s always polite, kind, buys him sweets or whatever he just seems nervous like he doesn’t know what to talk about or say and it makes things awkward especially for my son. He’s not a baby so he finds it hard to talk to him. he’s said in the past he feels anxious around children (even his own.. he won’t take his son out on his own not even the park) it’s like around me he’s so chatty and bubbly but around my son his own son he freezes up. I don’t stay with him because I don’t want to be alone, I stay because my stupid self is still in love with this man. Im hurting because he isn’t what I wanted him to be

Ok well if he is too anxious to even take his own kid out, realistically how do you expect him to contribute fully and meaningfully to your general life if he moves in? Not taking your own kid out is pathetic.

I don't know about this. If you aren't happy, you aren't happy. You can break up with him for any reason.

But to me, his behaviour re your son isn't that bad. On this forum the points are always made - don't rush things when it comes to blending families, live out partners aren't step parents as such, spend time with your kids seperately. It's good that you spend lots of one on one time with your son, isn't it? Also I wouldn't see him not spending much time with your son as "not bothering" - more like just that he's dating you. You live apart and are dating two years, not married for ten.

Not meeting your family, yes if you'd like him to meet them and he won't, thats a little strange. OTOH, I'm married but I usually see my family seperately, DH comes along a couple of time a year. That's the way we both like it. Not every couple has to be together at every family gathering and I think that's OK if you are both fine with it.

Doesnt sound like hes a very good dad to his own son let alone a child who is not his flesh and blood. If he moves in it will be hell to remove him. Please concentrate on your own child here. Put them first which means no to him moving in

He only wants to live with you because he's sick of living with his mother. That tells you everything.

You can't possibly want to be involved with someone who doesn't care for your child. That isn't love.

He wants to move in because he’s sick of living with his mum. You want to be with him because you can’t face being alone. The wrong reasons for living together.

You wanting excuses for him not to move in is your gut screaming at you to say no! If this was the right thing to do, you’d be absolutely delighted, not full of doubt.

Put your child first and tell
this man no. Don't make up excuses, just ssy you’re not ready for him to move in.

Jesus.. is his name Dan..

Youv described my ex to a T.. it doesn't get better and you will resent him for his serious lack of effort.. do better for your son and for yourself, and cut your losses.