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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do? Leave? Or stay?

42 replies

Firstmom264 · 12/02/2024 01:35

I feel like I’m fighting head vs heart.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I’m a solo parent to a 9 year old, he has a 4 year old.. in 2 years he’s never met my family or bonded with my son. He’ll come round when my son is in bed or leave when he’s coming back from school.. I feel like I’m living a double life. I love spending time with him, the date nights, the belly laughs, staying up late talking, the holidays, the mini breaks, the sweet texts. When it’s just me and him in that little bubble it feels amazing. And then I have this seperate life with my son, we spend so much time together me and him.. we cook together, play together, movie nights, takeaways nights, days out etc. as you can imagine my son doesn’t like him. He’s picked up on the fact I’ve got a boyfriend but he’s never ‘around’ and my family have given up asking to meet him (2 years is a long time to keep asking) my heart is so attached to him, I love him. But my head is saying ‘this isn’t right’. Lately he’s been saying he’s sick of living at his moms house and wants to move in with me.. in an ideal world I would love this, I’d be so excited, but all I can think of is ‘I can’t move someone in that doesn’t bother with my son’. It’s got to the point I’ve been thinking of excuses to put him off but I can’t think of any. I know people will say to leave but I just I just can’t, or at least I’m not ready. I don’t know what to do or how to bide some time.. I feel like I’m going crazy and I’ve got no where or no one to talk to..

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/02/2024 07:47

He won't take his own son to the park? Believe me that is not down to nerves that's because he's never done it. It would be interesting to talk to his ex.

Themuffintop · 12/02/2024 18:31

Gosh, hang on. Just realised that you are still in your twenties. Is that right? You are still very young and have so much time to find a real partner who fits in with your world, and loads and loads of time to have more children too, if that’s what you want.

What is the rest of your life like, outside of being a parent, and sneaking around with this guy?

I can understand you are lonely but this will could make you very vulnerable to over-appreciating his attention.

I honestly don’t say this to insult you, but loneliness can result in very bad decisions … like considering whether a bf who has no interest in your real life, can barely parent his own child, has made no effort to get to know yours. and doesn’t actually fit into your world in any meaningful way, should move out of his mums house and into yours.

So, yes, you should leave. Or accept it for what it is and no more: a bubble that will eventually burst.

Good luck. There’s someone better out there for you and your child.

BruFord · 12/02/2024 19:14

I completely agree, @Themuffintop. Please don’t let him move in, OP, you have your whole life ahead of you and you don’t need a man child.

Kwam31 · 12/02/2024 19:19

He's never took his son out alone? in 4 years? what does he do?

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 12/02/2024 19:33

Thing is - you don't have a relationship yet. You have lots of fun and playing and none of the hard stuff.
You need to look outside your fairy tale and focus on real life.
Also - put your child first fgs.

MarnieMarnie · 12/02/2024 19:41

He sounds utterly dreadful. He's Still living at home, has a four year old he's incapable of parenting and he can't be bothered to make an effort with your child. What on earth do you see on him? He's clearly desperate to cocklodge with you and no doubt, get you to do all childcare for his child. Just throw him back already, you can do better, and your son deserves better.

TheShellBeach · 12/02/2024 19:43

Have you posted about this man before?
The inability to take his child to the park sounds familiar.

Olika · 12/02/2024 19:58

It's not enough just to love someone.

Butterflygypsy · 12/02/2024 20:02

Typed in the wrong place in error. Apologies!

TheShellBeach · 12/02/2024 20:05

Butterflygypsy · 12/02/2024 20:02

Typed in the wrong place in error. Apologies!

Edited

You need to start your own thread.

SameToo · 12/02/2024 20:06

So he’s not close to his family but lives with his mum.

He wants more children but is awkward around the one that he has?

No brainer really. Move on.

livelovelough24 · 12/02/2024 20:25

Sometimes I feel at a loss reading some of the threads here on MN. OP, I understand that you are very young and this may be why I do not understand as I am old enough to be your mother. What I do not understand is this, how can you even consider moving this man into your home, when you know that he does not get along well with your son? Do you think he will change? Also, you say that he is uncomfortable with both your son and his own, but he is mentioning having more children, with you. How do you think this will go down? Why do you think he may be a better father this time around?

OP, I can understand falling in love with someone who really is not compatible with you or is not worth your love at all, as this happened to me, more then ones as it did to most people probably. However, considering a serious relationship, bringing the person into your home to live with your child, this is something entirely different. DO NOT do it. This would not end well, I guarantee you.

WeeOrcadian · 12/02/2024 20:28

You deserve more, and better

Bloatstoat · 12/02/2024 20:50

A friend of mine has just had a baby with a partner who takes no interest in her older child. It's awful. When she was recovering from her c-section with the new baby, I and other friends had to do the school run with her eldest because he refused. He will make himself a sandwich but refuse to make food for her eldest because 'its not his responsibility '. She feels terrible for her older child and they are now in the process of a very messy breakup but honestly, while your partner doesn't sound this level of useless, if he can't step up and make an effort with your child the way you do with his, it would be a deal breaker for me.

BruFord · 12/02/2024 23:04

@Bloatstoat Ugh, that’s horrific, how could anyone treat a child like that?

Opentooffers · 12/02/2024 23:52

As you are only 27 and would like more DC's I'd definitely say let this one go. He can't relate to his own son, let alone yours, so he'd be just as bad if you were to have joint DC's and I suspect you'd be left doing all the child-rearing on your own again.
He's not great Dad material and it would not surprise me if his prior relationship ended due to a lack of his involvement in family life. Has he told you about the circumstances of how he and his DC's mother spilt?

Bloatstoat · 13/02/2024 12:54

BruFord · 12/02/2024 23:04

@Bloatstoat Ugh, that’s horrific, how could anyone treat a child like that?

It's such a sad situation. It reminded me of OP's situation as they were together for around 3 years before moving in, but mainly seeing each other when friend's older DC was with their dad. She fell pregnant and they moved in together, so I don't think she quite realised how it would be, now it obviously can't carry on but she's facing a very difficult time in ending the relationship and guilt about situation for her eldest and separating the baby from being with their dad full time which is how he is framing it.

I know everyone is different and OP's partner sounds as if he finds a relationship with her son hard rather than completely not bothering, but having seen what's happened with my friend I would be very wary.

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