It’s all my fault and I feel hopeless

[Vinie]

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years now. We video call nearly everyday. We were happy, we talk about our future together, how he will move to my country so we can be together. We were working towards his visa and everything.

During our relationship we have fights here and there. Sometimes during the fights he push me so much that I would bring up break up with him because I was so hurt and feel so sad. But because of that he said I made him lost feelings for me. One day he bring up break up and said he doesn’t love me anymore and that I have caused his feelings to disappear, I’m the reason we breaking up.

He said he have told me never to bring up break up but I don’t listen and always do it when we fight. I told him I also said don’t push me so much when we fight and I wouldn’t feel the need to bring up break up. I said I know I’m in the wrong for brining up break up and I regret it. Let fix our relationship, I don’t want to give up like this.

he said I can can try and fix the relationship and make him feel again but he won’t be doing much apart from giving me the time. Since it’s my fault I need to do most of the work. I was fine with that because I really regret it, I told him I will never do it again. It’s been 3 months since we broke up now. The first 2 months was horrible, he was very distance and mean to me, always get mad easily and always bring up how I caused him to change and cause him to stop loving me.

the last month things have gotten better, we start to talk more again and spend more time with each other, I feel like we are back to how we were. Only yesterday when I ask him if he want to get back together that he said he doesn’t want to. He said he still feel no love for me. I told him I never expect us to end like this and he said we wouldn’t if only I could stop saying those words back then. I tried to reason with him but he doesn’t seem to accept any reason I had.

I really don’t understand how can he just forget everything we been through. How happy we were together, why can’t he forgive and forget the fights we had. It hurt me so much to know I’m that one that caused my relationship to end.

You sound hurt and confused @Vinie .

Can I ask you - have you ever met him in real life ? How long have you spent together and where was it?

Why does he need a visa to come to your country ?

if you threaten him with break up everytime you disagree on something what do you expect

How are you even managing to fight when you're in different countries?
The relationship sounds absolutely crap and was bound to end in a horrible way.

Just move on.

@TUCKINGFYP0 i haven’t met him in real life yet, but we did book a ticket together to travel and meet up end of this month.

my country need a visiting visa to enter.

@Oopsydaisypip i understands that and I regret doing it. But during that time, he keep being really mean and it hurt a lot. I guess my way of telling him I had enough was to tell him if he doesn’t care about me then we should break up

@Hermittrismegistus i don’t get how we fight so often when we not even together but it does happen and it does go out of control. I still care and love him so it so hard to just move on.

Well he’s said he doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to get back with you. It’s not working. Move on

It sounds like you argue to the point where you feel unloved and unheard and threaten him with the only thing you can - break up. You feel powerless in the relationship.

Then there's the fact that you have not met him. You do NOT know him, you know only that which he wishes you to see.

Add to that him treating you like crap for 2 months as a punishment and you putting up with that and trying to appease him.

You're being taken for a ride. Red flags all the way. Please move on from this man.

@Oopsydaisypip I know I should hold on, but I just don’t get how his feelings can disappear that quick. It’s not like he haven’t said anything hurtful to me, but my feelings for him is still here.

I think you are wasting your life spending every evening on video calls to a man you have never met.

you are unlikely to meet the requirements to get a visa for him.

He is right, you need to end it .

you would be better to find a man who already lives in your country who can can have a real relationship with.

@Vinie do you send him cash or gifts ?

How often do you send him money? Or gift cards?

@defiant2024 what you said is really true, during the fight I did feel hopeless and trap and want to run away so I use break up to threaten him. I know it’s not right of me and I wish I did something else instead, like just stay quiet or something.

I just feel like it’s all my fault that his hurt and upset because of what I said, that’s why I was willing to put up with him treating me badly for those 2 months.

i don’t know how to live on without feeling like I have ruin my relationship.

You've become a creature of habit... talk or videocalling.

He doesn't sound like a nice guy and actually your better off listening to what he is saying. I'm not sure why your still talking to him after your break up.

Please don't waste you're time arguing your way back into the relationship. The break up seems serendipity close to when you were actually going to meet up!

I don’t know how to live on without feeling like I have ruined my relationship
Don't be daft.
Taking to someone online for a short while isn't a relationship.

People who love one another don't torture one another like this, to make up for anything. It's one thing to be upset for a few days, another entirely to make someone's life hell for 2 months as payback. That's not love, or natural upset, that's calculated.

He was indulging in a power play and now you have to run after him again.

Please listen when I say you do NOT know him. If this is how badly he acts when you are long distance, how would he be if he had some real power over you?

You ask why he can move on so easily - it's because he never cared in the first place. Please pay attention to what people do, not just what they say. If he hadn't said sweet words to you, you would see his unkindness and game playing for what it is.

You deserve a real relationship. Be kind to yourself, and let this go.

@TUCKINGFYP0 I understand what you’re saying, I am trying to let go and move on but each time I think about the relationship it just make me feel so sad. I know it be either really hard or impossible to get him to my country.

I only ever buy him gift for Christmas and his birthday but he never ask me for it, I offer to do it.

@TheShellBeach i only ever bought him gift for Christmas and his bday, he never ask for anything. I offer to buy it for him

@Guavafish1 i was only talking to him after the break up because I felt it was my fault I caused the break up. He said I caused him to have a meltdown down and I caused him to stop loving me. So I wanted to make up for my mistake and to fix the relationship.

I actually can’t believe he break up after we already planned to meet. We been looking forward to meeting each other for a year and then it’s over.

@TheShellBeach its my first long distance relationship so I thought that’s how it work, you just have to endure the distance and stay connected

Is this a genuine post or a wind up?

@defiant2024 thank you for your words. You’re right, if he did love me and care about me he wouldn’t put me through so much pain when he can see how regretful I am and how I’m trying really hard to fix the relationship. If he care he would have want to fix it too.

I guess I’m just fouling myself thinking I can make him love me again and we be happy again like we were before the break up. It just hard to let go when I have invested so much feelings and time into this relationship, hoping it flourish.

I will take your advice and will try and let this relationship go. I know it be really hard because I still cry most days. I hope things will get better and I can stop blaming myself.

What did he buy you for Christmas and your birthday ?

Just stop it, work on yourself so you don't make the same mistake again, and again

@Thisoldchestnut its genuine, I’m going through this right now and just feel really hurt and sad about the whole situation.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon he bought me an online game since he doesn’t earn much, but he still try to give me gift