It’s all my fault and I feel hopeless

[Vinie]

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years now. We video call nearly everyday. We were happy, we talk about our future together, how he will move to my country so we can be together. We were working towards his visa and everything.

During our relationship we have fights here and there. Sometimes during the fights he push me so much that I would bring up break up with him because I was so hurt and feel so sad. But because of that he said I made him lost feelings for me. One day he bring up break up and said he doesn’t love me anymore and that I have caused his feelings to disappear, I’m the reason we breaking up.

He said he have told me never to bring up break up but I don’t listen and always do it when we fight. I told him I also said don’t push me so much when we fight and I wouldn’t feel the need to bring up break up. I said I know I’m in the wrong for brining up break up and I regret it. Let fix our relationship, I don’t want to give up like this.

he said I can can try and fix the relationship and make him feel again but he won’t be doing much apart from giving me the time. Since it’s my fault I need to do most of the work. I was fine with that because I really regret it, I told him I will never do it again. It’s been 3 months since we broke up now. The first 2 months was horrible, he was very distance and mean to me, always get mad easily and always bring up how I caused him to change and cause him to stop loving me.

the last month things have gotten better, we start to talk more again and spend more time with each other, I feel like we are back to how we were. Only yesterday when I ask him if he want to get back together that he said he doesn’t want to. He said he still feel no love for me. I told him I never expect us to end like this and he said we wouldn’t if only I could stop saying those words back then. I tried to reason with him but he doesn’t seem to accept any reason I had.

I really don’t understand how can he just forget everything we been through. How happy we were together, why can’t he forgive and forget the fights we had. It hurt me so much to know I’m that one that caused my relationship to end.

@Vinie - you can’t do plan a future with someone you’ve not met in person. And the fact you fight so much and hurt each other’s feelings so often shows it is a bad relationship. Surely there are available men in your country who you can get to know in a normal way.

@Dery i understands the fighting show we might not be compatible but I just thought it’s normal for couple to fight as long as we work things out afterwards, which we do. I just didn’t realised he hold on to words I say during a fight.

i have dated a few in person but it never workout. I stop dating for a few years until I met him. He made me feel really happy and that how I felt in love with him and we start to talk about our future and being together forever. It just hurt when all that talk mean nothing now.

I think I just find it really hard to accept the relationship ended. We talk about our future and even marriage and kids. Everything seem so nice and sweet and happy.

I understand feelings change as time passes but I didn’t think it caused the relationship to end without even a second chance.

when I told him I can’t believe we end like this, I thought we be together forever. He would say he thought so too until I brought up break up when we fight. So it seem he still blame me for it.

How much is a visa for your country, and how does someone get one ?

No no no it's not normal for couples to fight. No. Please put this guy in the past; you haven't met in person you have no idea if you're compatible. Video calling isn't the same. You fight and he 'pushes' you so you want to break up regularly. This is not good at all and not how relationships should be.

Can I ask how you met him?

Have you ever watched 90 day Fiancee?

He sounds abusive. Started off love bombing you and now he comes out with phrases like you made me this angry, to give himself permission to be extremely mean and horrible to you.
If you were together in the same country I'd actually be worried for your safety, so I think you made a lucky escape with this just being online.
Some people do this behaviour online, without ever intending to meet up but they just lure people into a fake relationship for kicks or ego boosts. So it's not a coincidence the blow up happened before you were about to meet up. He did it on purpose because he never intended to meet you and needed an excuse.
He is now blaming it on you, so that you feel it's your fault and don't see through his deception.

I bet you he's going to be awful until the meet up date is past, and once that's gone, if you're still around then, he'll be nice again and restart the cycle.

But please don't be around. Block him and never speak to him again. Understand that whatever he told you to get you to like him is most likely lies.

How can you possibly say ‘I love him’, when you haven’t met him in real life yet?

OP this is not a healthy relationship

As PP have said: it’s normal for couples to have the occasional disagreement - it’s not normal for couples to fight regularly. This is not the man for you. You don’t really know him. And you don’t get on with each other.

I'm getting tingtong vibes.

@MiltonNorthern i understands and I don’t even know myself why each time we fight I would bring up break up like that. I regret saying it in anger though.

Even now he said I’m always the one that start a fight over the smallest thing. I know it’s not always me, but it does make me feel bad for fighting with him.

@Josette77 I met him while playing an online game with friends.

@Allthewallsarewhite i do agree that he did love bombing me. It did take long before he said he love me and when I ask how you know and he said that’s how he feel. He was really sweet and caring so I find it so hard to let go.

he bought ticket and showed it to me so I don’t think he will back out from the trip. His being really nice to me now so I don’t even know how to react.

@Onthemaintrunkline i don’t know, I just felt like I do. When we were together made me feel happy and care for. I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him.

OP, trust me I know how easy it is to develop strong feelings for someone you’ve met online.

You talk, you get on, you realise you have things in common, and before you know it that common ground means you’re thinking about them, imagining a life where you’ve met them, where it’s real, and suddenly you think of yourself as being in a relationship.

And sometimes it will work, and there are definite examples of people who have met and married that way.

But the thing with meeting online is that you can always be the nice loving partner, because when you’re not feeling it you can just switch off the pc and come back when you’re feeling better again. So if you’re the type then you can pretend to be as lovely as you like until you meet in perso or get whatever it is you want.

But OP this bloke isn’t even pretending online. You’re not even compatible online because you argue all the time.

And he’s told you that he doesn’t love you any more.

I’m not getting scammer vibes here or even vibes of someone looking for a visa, because the level of arguments just don’t fit with that.

But I’m getting vibes that this just isn’t relationship material.

We don’t know what he says to provoke the comments from you, but it could just as much be argued from the other side that you are manipulative in that you always suggest breaking up when you have an argument and then you beg for forgiveness.

This just isn’t a healthy dynamic from either side.

As for marriage and kids, don’t be so ridiculous. You don’t even know the bloke in person, he can’t even get a visa to visit let alone live with you.

I do know people who have met online in similar circs and who have gone on to marry. And have kids, but given you don’t even get on online you know this isn’t going to happen.

Just move on, and find a real relationship with someone who is local to you.

Did you pay for the ticket so he could visit you?

I’m sorry op but I don’t think you can even call this a relationship if you’ve never met him.

Please cut ties with him and move on. Get some self respect.

@MayThe4th You’re right about how my feelings was slowly developed after spending time with him, thing just feel like we were really dating. I know not all long distance work out but I was hoping that this would. I can see that we’re not compatible since we couldn’t even solve a problem without having disagreement and start fighting about it.

I know you’re right and I should forget about him and let go. I want to as well since he already told me he no longer love me the same way. But it just so hard to let go because when we didn’t fight, he was really sweet, nice and caring towards me. I just hate how everything turn out the way it is.

thank you for your advice, it’s very helpful. It help me really reflect on myself.

@Delphiniumandlupins i didn’t buy the ticket for him, he bought it himself. That’s why I thought he really wanted to meet up with me.

You surely deserve a nice genuine real relationship not a video chat and someone who will buy you things etc

@MariaVT65 I understand, I was just hoping I’ll be able to meet up with him soon, we were both looking forward to it until he choose to break up with me.

@Ladyj84 thank you, I really hope I can find someone better and more committed after this experience.