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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm weirded out. Don't know what to do. Trigger-sexual abuse.

48 replies

Notaboutthebass · 11/02/2024 21:01

My boyfriend of 14 months has always been respectful, kind, caring and always shown positivity towards me, never done anything unusual or unloving.

Our passion is amazing, always been so loving, attentive and respectful. It's the best sex we've both had ever. The other night we were intimate. He was down there with his tongue and playing around my vagina with his finger, was incredible, always is. He then started putting his finger around my bum hole and playing around (didn't insert his finger). I was really taken aback. I stopped him and got upset, said that we'd not had a discussion about that or doing anything new. He was really upset that I was upset. He apologised and was mortified with himself.

He did stop when I asked him to. We had a conversation about it and cleared the air but now I'm feeling really strange about it.

I'm just really surprised as I didn't really expect him to do that. Is it assault?

OP posts:

mapofeasterireland · 11/02/2024 21:05

why would you think it’s assault? If he continued without your consent then it would be but he didn’t

Original poster

Notaboutthebass · 11/02/2024 21:07

Thank you. Okay I get that, but what about the fact we'd not discussed doing things like that before? He'd made an assumption that I'd be okay with it.

OP posts:

MILTOBE · 11/02/2024 21:08

But it's not normal to discuss everything, is it? He's gone by your reaction and stopped what he was doing.

I'd make an exception for anything that was going to harm you, like choking. For the life of me I can't understand why women allow that.

IfIHadAHeart · 11/02/2024 21:09

No, it’s not assault. He began to try something new, but immediately stopped when you asked. He’s apologised, and his response seems entirely supportive.

Why do you think it is assault?

2Old2Tango · 11/02/2024 21:09

It was disrespectful but it wasn't assault. He was exploring, but he stopped when you got upset and apologised. I think you're overthinking this.

mapofeasterireland · 11/02/2024 21:09

I understand. I guess it’s great to chat these things through but it doesn’t always happen in the moment and if he stops when you say you’re not comfortable then that’s what you want.

IfIHadAHeart · 11/02/2024 21:10

Why is it disrespectful?

Bearintheredhat · 11/02/2024 21:12

I also don’t feel it’s disrespectful.
or assault.
its experimenting. Talking about everything surely kills the mood / exciting surprise element to getting to know someone new?

Unless you’ve previously told him you have boundaries about trying new things without discussing it first?

Original poster

Notaboutthebass · 11/02/2024 21:12

OK. I understand the poster saying it's disrespectful, this man has been a gent for the whole of our relationship and it's really taken me by surprise.

OP posts:

theconfidenceofwho · 11/02/2024 21:13

I agree @Bearintheredhat

UpUpUpU · 11/02/2024 21:14

I wouldn’t say assault at all. He’s just experimenting and he stopped when you didn’t like it.

Has it triggered something from you your past?

SamW98 · 11/02/2024 21:14

No it’s not assault. He got a bit carried away, you didn’t like it and he stopped. He respected your boundaries.

With all due respect, you wouldn’t expect a discussion as to exactly what body parts are allowed to be touched during sex. Unless it’s something harmful or a kink which should be discussed and agreed.

Hes actually acted supportively and respectfully imo

Original poster

Notaboutthebass · 11/02/2024 21:15

He knows I've been repeatedly vaginally assaulted by my ex husband and coerced by an ex boyfriend.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 11/02/2024 21:16

He tried something, you didn’t like it. You said stop. He stopped and apologised.

Sounds very respectful to me.

Doglegs · 11/02/2024 21:17

It's not sexual abuse or anything like that at all. It's a pretty tame, normal, sex thing he stopped doing when you asked. It's nothing to do with any bad previous experiences you've had.

SamW98 · 11/02/2024 21:17

This is your past experience that’s triggering you. He's really done nothing wrong. I think he’s acted very respectfully.

susiedaisy1912 · 11/02/2024 21:19

SamW98 · 11/02/2024 21:17

This is your past experience that’s triggering you. He's really done nothing wrong. I think he’s acted very respectfully.

Edited

I agree

Apollo365 · 11/02/2024 21:20

Agree with others, you said stop and he did. FWIW I also think it’s pretty normal.
But, you didn’t feel comfortable so have another chat with him, tell him you need to know what to expect. Are you otherwise happy?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/02/2024 21:20

Did you ask his consent before the first time you gave him a blow job? Or before you touched his balls while giving him one? If you ask consent at every single stage of doing anything and that's normal for both of you I could see you finding it strange... but I think him having a little feel around and then seeing how you respond IS a way to non verbally ask for consent. He stopped as soon as you told him. I think his intention was to turn you on and give you pleasure. Are there any other areas of your body that you absolutely don't want to be touched? If so perhaps you can have a discussion about this with him and also agree a safe word.

Original poster

Notaboutthebass · 11/02/2024 21:20

Appreciate the replies. Was really worried about it. I've always gone off men that are wanting anal, I didn't think he was like that. I asked him if he likes anal and he said no, he's done it a long time ago but doesn't like it. So why has he gone for my arse then?

OP posts:

IsThisOneAvailable · 11/02/2024 21:21

Its neither abuse, nor disrespectful (unless, as a pp said, you had a boundary in place whereby neither of you try anything new without a prior discussion).

It's experimenting, you said no and he stopped. Obviously you're allowed to feel the way you feel, nothing invalidates your feelings, but in this instance it's from you and not him

frecklejuice · 11/02/2024 21:21

You can't talk about everything, it would kill your sex life.. Can just imagine it "ok so tonight I thought in the middle of oral I'm going to touch your bum hole, how do you feel about that"?!

He tried something, you didn't like it and asked him to stop which he did so he sounds very respectful and it definitely wasn't an assault.

Are you looking for a reason to leave him?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/02/2024 21:22

Notaboutthebass · 11/02/2024 21:20

To give you pleasure. It can feel great to have a finger front and back at same time and he probably thought you'd love it. But you've told him to stay away from your bum
Area and it sounds like he will now.

Apollo365 · 11/02/2024 21:23

Having a fondle down there is very different to full blown anal sex IMO. He might like this without wanting the latter?

Hiddenvoice · 11/02/2024 21:23

He hasn’t assaulted you, you didn’t like what was happening and he stopped. He tried something new in the heat of the moment and got upset that you were upset.
I’m sorry for what happened to you in your past relationships but I feel it’s triggering you just now . I think you’re worrying and that’s okay but when you’ve explained it to us, it seems he wanted to give something a go and stopped straight away which is good, he respected you to stop especially when you didn’t consent.

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