I'm weirded out. Don't know what to do. Trigger-sexual abuse.

[Notaboutthebass]

My boyfriend of 14 months has always been respectful, kind, caring and always shown positivity towards me, never done anything unusual or unloving.

Our passion is amazing, always been so loving, attentive and respectful. It's the best sex we've both had ever. The other night we were intimate. He was down there with his tongue and playing around my vagina with his finger, was incredible, always is. He then started putting his finger around my bum hole and playing around (didn't insert his finger). I was really taken aback. I stopped him and got upset, said that we'd not had a discussion about that or doing anything new. He was really upset that I was upset. He apologised and was mortified with himself.

He did stop when I asked him to. We had a conversation about it and cleared the air but now I'm feeling really strange about it.

I'm just really surprised as I didn't really expect him to do that. Is it assault?

YABU sorry. It’s a shame you experienced abuse previously, but that’s not on him. You need to work through your stuff rather than letting this stuff from the past cloud your judgement and make you think that perfectly healthy and reasonable actions are abusive.

I wouldn't class this as sexual assault. You withdrew consent and he complied and apologised.

I would have assumed all things anal or not wouldn't have already been discussed this far down the line.

It's also understandable that this isn't sitting right with you. It's OK to think through what happened and sort through your feelings. While, it may not have been SA if it feels like you have been violated then it's natural that you've processed it this way.

You were very effusive in your op about how great he and the relationship is. But are now seeking validation for feeling how you do. Is it possible that you're looking an out, and to end the relationship? Is this something you can get over through discussion and rebuilding trust?

No. Wise up. It’s nowhere near assault. From someone who was actually abused, this isn’t abuse.

Absolutely not looking for an out. This man is all I've ever wanted.

None of things mean it was assault by the new boyfriend though.
This sounds like a ‘you’ thing to be honest, he stopped when asked and was apologetic.

Personally I think you’ve over-reacted and need to apologise then try to put it out your mind.

I think has reminded you of something that happened previously that was abusive, give yourself some time and space to process it, suspect this alone wouldn't have caused your response but something in your history - hope you are okay x

Sorry didn't see the posts above. Please ignore me x

It’s fine to worry and question yourself about it. It’s really hard to be sure about boundaries when yours have been trampled in the past.

You aren’t over reacting- it’s a normal reaction for you to be ultra alert.

What you might want to think through is how each of you will know what is and isn’t acceptable in future. Will you both only ever do what you’ve already done? Will you agree to be particularly alert to each other’s responses when you initiate something- so a light touch followed up by a longer touch only if the reaction is good.

I don’t think he’s been aggressive or transgressive, but you both need to talk about how to approach new ideas.

Lots of women find it really pleasurable. It's not about him wanting anal, you're leaping to conclusions there that this is about his pleasure.

I hope you had some sort of therapy in relation to your past experiences, and it could be worth having a session or two now to revisit your feelings and boundaries. It sounds like you're in a safe place with this man and any change could be triggering for you.

It's also healthy to try new things in a safe relationship as the things you like or dislike will alter a lot as you age and live life together.

I hope you are having therapy, OP. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of sexual trauma and relationship trauma snd you are hypervigilant and having a PTSD response. It is important to respect your intuition about this man, but also important to recognize when PTSD makes you mistake the past for the present snd respond to a new reality the way you would have responded to an old incident. Like surviving a battlefield barrage by hiding and years later running from lovely fireworks.

Some interesting perspectives and views. I just think it's strange how after all this time, he's only just tried it. I like the view that it doesn't mean he wants anal.

I've had counselling yes.

What would I be apologising for? I approached it calmly and we both allowed each other to chat, openly and honestly.

I think if you’ve both chatted openly about it and you’ve explained you’re not wanting to try it then I would try put it behind you. I think he sounds respectful that he wouldn’t try it again.
If you feel it’s triggered you too much then it might be for the best to be single for a little while.

I think it's interesting that you say it's strange why after all this time he's tried something new now.......

Yet this is a man who knows about the abuse you previously experienced, and has mostly likely considered this in terms of pace of trying new things and building a trustful relationship with you.

It may also be something he's just learnt about in terms of increasing a woman's pleasure and thought he'd try it for you.

I've been single for years and healed. Always thought he was the man of my dreams.

I was unsure how to feel and that's why I've asked on here. Thank you all for reassuring me. It's just concerned me that he did reassure me at the time and felt completely relaxed after with him but now he's gone home I'm questioning things again.

This. I wouldn’t say it’s particularly “out there” and not necessarily something that needs discussing. You didn’t like it, he stopped immediately, apologised, and didn’t press the matter. Sounds very respectful to me.

It would be very very different if he literally went full on anal sex without any discussion. Also, having a little play with your butt doesn’t necessarily mean he wants full anal. It can be very pleasant for the woman and he thought he’d try something new. Not for you and he knows that now. If he were to try it again without any discussion after you’ve said no, that would be different.

I fully understand why it has triggered you but this wasn't assault from what you say. He has tried something which a lot of people find pleasurable with no expectation of more (not to say everyone does it or you should). It is kind of an extension of what he was already doing rather than something completely different so he probably didn't expect it to be a huge shock. You said 'stop', he immediately did and apologised. You've already discussed anal sex and made clear that is off boundaries so I doubt a good man is trying to sneak his way into achieving that. It doesn't sound like he was trying to do anything amiss, maybe another convo about sexual boundaries may help, making clear that your past experience was very different from this current sex life. Perhaps if he wants to try something new to verbalise it first? You can't help feeling this way but do bear in mind that the part isn't his fault either xx

I’ve been married for many many many years now and we still try new things. It’s great to keep it fresh I think.
I hope you are ok OP. He sounds like he makes you happy and you’ve talked this through which is great.

Thank you so much everyone. Thank you for not making me feel silly or unreasonable X

The anus is definitely an erogenous zone for many people; that is certainly something I would enjoy. So from my perspective it does sound as though he was trying to do something nice for you.

As a one off where he stopped immediately and apologised, it might not necessarily be concerning. However a repeat of it/further "experimenting" without talking about it/your consent would definitely raise a red flag. If you're that into him, I'd just keep an eye for now.

I'm another who says he was just experimenting. His reaction suggests complete respect for your boundaries, the fact he was upset you were upset says it all.

Mm I disagree with most posters .... Your anus isn't and shouldn't automatically be assumed to be erogenous or sexual, it's an outhole for shit ateotd.

It's somewhere I think the person should actually ask before touching and bringing it into sexual activity, "do you like having you r (whatever you want to call it) touched?" isn't hard to say.

Just because some people consider it an erogenous doesn't mean everyone does. It shouldn't be assumed.

And especially given the prevalence of anal sex in porn and subsequent expectation and coercion of women by men around it in recent times.

It would be very very different if he literally went full on anal sex without any discussion

Very different... What, like violent rape?
Anal rape shouldn't really be a bench mark from which to judge things.